Holy crap! This finale was so full of high points, it’s hard to know where to begin… so let’s just start at the beginning:
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale opens in the limo with Kelsey and Camille on their way to the Tony Awards knowing that their marriage is over.
That’s probably why Camille saw the camera and hiked up her dress to show her legs. When arriving at the Tonys, Camille exited the limo one leg at a time, inviting a crotch shot. I would think that after all the limo exits Camille would know the proper etiquette for exiting: to turn her entire body while still seated and exit the limo with her legs together. Oh well, she’s on her way to singledom, so crotch shots for all!!!
Kyle visits her psychic, Miss SmileyPhoneyPsychic, who Kyle thinks is a thousand times better than Miss BlueSmokeUpYourButt. Kyle brings a velvet covered box containing her mother!!! and a lock of her mother’s hair, which she gives to Miss SPP.
Kyle and her mother (in the box)
“Oh…I see trouble with you and another woman”… good guess there, SPP! Oh, Kyle is so impressed with her top shelf psychic that she tells SPP all about her and Kim’s recent problems. Note to Kyle: Don’t you know by now how ‘psychics’ work? They put out general statements that could apply to just about anyone and then wait for your reaction. If they sense by your reaction that they’ve hit on something, they expound on that or they hope that their
marks clients will tell them more… just like you did…so they can really tell you what you came to hear. Kyle, you got a stoopid mark for your visit to the psychic.
Taylor is on her way to Villa Blanca where Lisa is just finishing up her meeting about her new Villa Blanca Cookbook. Lisa wouldn’t scrape the cookbook title dump and call it ‘The Villa Blanca Skinny Cookbook’… or would she??? Oh, just never mind, that skanky title probably never even entered Lisa’s atmosphere or her area of LA or her Beverly Park estate or her Bentley to ever get to her brain, so just never mind.
Anyway, Lisa and Taylor have a sit down over a glass of rose and Lisa looks straight at Taylor and asks what Taylor said to Camille before they came down to the restaurant in NYC to cause all the turmoil that erupted and continues to fester. Taylor tells Lisa that Kim wanted to talk about Camille’s self esteem. Really, Taylor? Seriously??? You gonna sit there and tell Lisa, who is trying to bring about harmony and goodwill towards all youz Beverly Hills biatches that Kim approached YOU to talk about Camille’s self-esteem??? Taylor was fluttering her eyes, so (according to Dr. Lillian Glass) that is a ‘tell’ when someone is lying. Taylor you just lied to Lisa… you earned one stoopid point. Lisa ends the conversation by suggesting to Taylor that she straighten things out with Kim… Oh, Lisa…
Camera Lisa says, “My husband and I.” I don’t know what else she said, because she just misused the proper noun “I” and this irritates me to no end. Lisa, in this instance, should have said, “My husband and ME.” I just cannot get past that Lisa did not know this. Excuse me while I go off on a small rant here… oh never mind, just look up how to use ‘me and I’ for yourselves. Lisa, gets a quarter of a stoopid point for mangling the English language…Lisa, I expected more from you…
Kim enters the Cristophe Salon to see Thierry (that’s French for Terry… why don’t they just spell it Terry for God’s sake???) for makeup tips ’cause in her 46 years, she just didn’t see the need for knowing how to apply her makeup.
Kim getting makeup tips from Terry
OK, I can understand that, ’cause if you’re a child star, your makeup is done by the set’s union makeup artist, so really, why would Kim have to know how to do her own makeup? Then Kim tells how it was living with her ex-husband: the gates would open, the butler would open the front door and she and her ex would be out back in chefs hats and sweats. Chef hats and sweats??? Kim: everyone knows that when you wear a tocque (that’s French for chefs hat) and sweats, you put your makeup on… what is wrong with her!? Camera Kim explains that she has been the money maker for her entire family since she was a little girl and she bought everything, their house and even Kyle’s first car, but Kyle forgets all that. Note to Kim: Oh, you think you have it bad with Kyle? How about having 6…yes, s-i-x sisters, like me?? You need to call me and I can tell you some stories about sisters… maybe you won’t feel so bad. Kim gets a half stoopid point for complaining about 1, o-n-e, sister.
Taylor is carrying Snowball, Russell’s gift to daughter Kennedy for her fourth birthday, and she and her friend, Serena sit on the patio sofa to chat about Snowball’s future. Taylor has made a decision and, strictly for little Kennedy’s health, is ‘reluctantly’ handing Snowball over to Serena. What?…a decision for kennedy’s health? Poor Snowball. What is Taylor going to tell Kennedy? Kennedy is four-years-old, so how are you going to explain to her that her dog is gone? Taylor, you never liked that dog anyway and you wanted to get rid of him from the first time you laid eyes on him… and now you’re blaming it on Kennedy’s health!? I hope you’re going to tell little Kennedy that Snowball is living with all the other animals at your cousin’s farm instead of the cruel truth, that you never liked Snowball to begin with and you couldn’t wait to get rid of him and that he was getting on your last nerve so badly that you were about to drive him out to Compton and let him loose to be eaten up by pitbulls. Taylor, you are plain mean and you hate all animals and for that, you got another stoopid point.
Off to Lisa and Ken’s abode, where Cedric is diving into the pool. Lisa is lounging with Giggy and Picachu, which Cedric has disrupted as he emerges from the cee-ment pond.
Ken joins Lisa on her double lounge and suspects that Cedric is sitting in the lounge next to Ken and Lisa’s doing a full monty under his towel (he’s not). Ken gently starts to explain to Cedric that it’s time for him to get on with his life. (interpretation: Yo! 37-year-old guy…get the hell outta my house!) Poor Cedric looks stunned and asks what he’s done that Ken, and now Lisa, want him to leave. Ken tells Cedric that, ‘It’s what you haven’t done, Cedric old chap, old nut, old zed… Well, Cedric is gobsmacked and explains that in Italy parents keep their children in their homes until they’re 50…nice try, Cedric… you know Ken and Lisa are not going for that crap. Ken wants his own life back with just him and Lisa in their home and tells Cedric that he can visit any time, but you are not pulling a Kato on us, so you have got to go. Cedric wants so badly to be a part of a family unit… blah, blah, blah. Cedric: you are 37, you cannot relive your childhood and pretend like you’re Ken and Lisa’s kid… please pack up your knives and go, the tribe has spoken, see ya later decorator, get out, vamoosh, buh-bye. Cedric earns 5 stoopid points for being a 37-year-old cry baby. Get out and get over it, Cedric…
It’s Taylor’s birthday and Camera Taylor says that Russell is throwing her a birthday party…as she sadly looks off into the distance… back to that in a minute.
DD is carrying glasses of wine to
have a chat listen to Camille. Camille tells DD how awful Kelsey has been and how he’s torn up her family and she’s so distraught that she just can’t do anything at all and she just cannot go to Taylor’s party and celebrate while her entire life is being ripped in pieces, torn to shreds, split in two, mutilated, ruptured, burst, mangled, gashed and snapped.
Camille with her frozen face, hugging DD
Poor DD puts on her sympathy face, with eyes welling up, and has to listen to Camille and listen to Camille and listen to Camille…poor DD. Camera Camille tells more about her embarrassing breakup: the she went to Kelsey’s NY apartment and had to show ID ’cause they didn’t know she was MRS. Kelsey Grammer…oh, Camille’s gonna find out who was impersonating her and when she finds out, all hell’s gonna break loose on that woman. OH! It’s Kayte Walsh. Camille, darling, Kelsey is engaged now and he’s going to marry Kayte Walsh, the British Air flight attendant. Camera Camille looks almost convincing, what with the almost tears and how she went on about how hard this has all been on her… Note to Camille: Sorry, it’s not working… the story’s out about your Christmas tree trimming evening and how you shed a tear over Kelsey. A tear, one, uno, single, solitary… not two, not three, not even enough to soak a kleenex, but A tear. Puh-leeze. You’ll be just fine. DD will be there to listen to you, along with your house manager, nannies, Nick and varied and assorted man friends that will soon be keeping you company… along with your $50 million other friends. Camille gets three stoopid points for phoniness.
On to Taylor’s par-tay… Adrienne and Paul arrive first with their PR person, Howard Bragman and we’re introduced to Melody, Kim’s BFF… back to that in a minute.
Camille is still talking to DD about her marriage… how she had been reduced to nothing, Kelsey didn’t like her to go out, have friends (unless she paid for them) and she was forced to file for divorce because Kelsey, the Kelsey she knew, just wasn’t there anymore. Enough about Camille… back to the party…
We finally get a look at the STAR of the RHOBH Season One finale… Adrienne Maloof’s sparkle shoes… back to the party…
$2795 Gianmarco Lorenzi ‘Gregory’ Shoes
Kyle, Maurico and Kyle’s 21-year-old daughter, Farrah arrive; Lisa and Ken arrive. Kyle mentions Kim is always late for everything and, on cue, Kim arrives and is met by Melody, her BFF. Everyone kiss-kiss, you look great, love the dress… over to Kim being led by Lisa to see her ex-blind date, Martin, and Martin looks totally disinterested in Kim, so Kim slinks off with Melody… over to Adrienne and Paul with Paul trying to get Adrienne to eat, but Adrienne just wants a diet Coke and she seems a little pissy with Paul. Who can blame her? Paul was going to Pebble Beach to play golf with Mark ‘Marky Mark’ Wahlberg until Adrienne gave him an ultimatum: your wife or Marky Mark, but Paul saw it as birthday party or golf. Interesting. Anyway, Kyle whispers into Lisa’s ear, “Kim’s acting drunk.”
Russell, Taylor’s husband, gets everyone’s attention to propose a toast to Taylor, which obviously, Russell spent the past week getting prepared for this toast. The words were so heartfelt, genuine and caring. Russell had so much emotion and love when he toasted his wife saying ‘Happy 30th birthday and you look so hot for a 30-year-old.’ Geez, Russell, you could have at least slipped in some French words to make it sound a little better and romantic, but you came off like you just met the woman… that’s all you got to say is ‘happy birthday’ and ‘you’re hot’???? I have no words…just no words. Russell gets 10 stoopid points for being a total jerk a**hole of a husband.
Camera Lisa says that maybe Taylor likes the Beverly Hills lifestyle more than she cares about her own happiness and glad that Russell is Taylor’s husband and not Lisa’s. Oh Lisa…how do you get everything so right??? Your quarter stoopid point is erased.
Taylor, taking Lisa’s advice to straighten things out with Kim, approaches Kim to talk (again) about NY. Taylor tells Kim that Kyle needed her in NY and Kim wasn’t there for her. Kyle hears her name and jumps right into the conversation with ‘are you talking about me?!’ Lisa and then Adrienne come over and everyone at the party is looking side-eyed at the bunch. Kim says that she doesn’t even go to lunch with any of them and doesn’t enjoy any of their company. Kim is finger pointing at Kyle and says, ‘You better watch your step.’
Ken and Paul are commiserating from the sidelines about what’s going on over there with their wives and the other women. Kim says to Taylor, ‘Do me a favor and stay away from me’ and Taylor shoots back, ‘It’s my party, you stay away from me!’
Kim says that she hates conflict and notices that the entire party is watching the group argue. Kim is crying and she leaves the party with BFF Melody (and is never seen again).
Kyle explains that Kim takes advantage of her and there’s so much resentment in their skewed relationship, then adds that their mother died worrying about Kim and wanting Kyle to protect Kim. Adrienne suggests that Kyle talk with Kim and maybe they should get some therapy to help them. Kyle says it’s too late for that.
Kim is in the limo, joined by Martin and then Adrienne. They are both trying to console Kim while driving around in the limo. Adrienne thinks that Kim might just be lonely and Kim says, ‘I like being alone.’ The limo stops, the door opens and Kyle wants to know what’s going on in here, then jumps in. Holy good Lord! The finger pointing starts again…
Kyle is finger pointing at Kim and says that Kim needs to get help and that Kyle is tired of taking care of Kim, calling Kim a liar, sick and an alcoholic. Kyle told Kim that she’s tired of Mauricio treating Kim like his second wife, sending Kim money every month.
Kim yells that Kyle stole her house and Kyle goes after Kim (For just a split second, I thought they were on a bus.). Adrienne (scanning the entire limo looking for the ejection seat button) is in the middle of Kyle and Kim and wants them to communicate with each other to help understand each other. While Kyle is getting up and out of the limo, she says that ‘help is over, we’re done.’ Mauricio was there when the limo door opened, wondering what in the hell went on.
The last shot of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is that of Kim… sobbing and left all alone, by herself, no one else there in the limo…
Updates after the finale:
Kim and Kyle went weeks without talking. Their kids are now trying to broker a truce between them.
Cedric and Lisa had an argument as he was moving out. They haven’t spoken since.
Taylor struggles in her marriage. Snowball is happy (Yeah?? Well, Kennedy is not.)
Adrienne and Paul are still the Bickersons. Adrienne says she is not responsible for Paul’s broken noses.
Kim‘s family checked her into rehab. She checked herself out a week later. One day at a time.
Camille is living in Malibu and fighting for custody of her kids.
NOTE: None of this would have happened if they all would have just used some French words.