All the talk about the premiere of this season of the Real Housewives of New York being delayed because Andy determined, after viewing the footage, that it was too ‘talky’ and boring has been proven to be true. Watching last night’s episode of the RHONY was an exercise in extreme patience due to extreme boredom on the TV screen.
The one highlight of the episode was that of Jillzarin, who was carrying her nasty ankle biting yapper dog around with her, ala Lisa Vanderpump and Giggy. Nice try, Jillz, but stay in your own atmosphere… you wouldn’t be able to breathe in Lisa’s… or in your case, Jillz, you wouldn’t be able to breathe in Giggy’s, either.
The hour-long episode could be summed up in a few sentences: The Housewives marched across the Brooklyn Bridge for Marriage Equality; they gathered at Alex and Simon’s house in Brooklyn after the March where Simon was still pissy-fussy about not being able to stand at the podium and give his speech about how lucky he was that he found Alexandra and not Alexander; Cindy Barshop and her brother Howard are close; the art party at Sonja’s house turns into a shouting match between Alex and Sonja, Alex kicks Sonja out and her painting by boyfriend Brian Ferrell was unveiled.
I’m Carrie. No, Sonja, you’re more like Samantha. I wanna be Carrie. No, Kelly, you’re more like Charlotte. But I am Carrie! I’m exactly like Carrie, so I wanna be Carrie… I wear the best clothes and I write a column for a newspaper and… NO! Kelly, now stop asking… you cannot be Carrie. But I have a horseface, just like Carrie! Oh yeah… OK, Kelly we all agree… you can be Carrie.
As soon as Sonja begins to approach the podium, Alex, just grab onto her peplum and hold her. Uh, Simon… why do you know what a peplum is? Oh Alex, darling… it was just one of those words that I picked up while on my search for
a stupid American to marry me the love of my life…
Cindy, please walk very slowly and find Chauncey. Tell him that Kelly is having a ‘Scary Island’ flashback… he’ll know what to do.
Oh god, Cindy… LuAnn’s frozen in time again. You got any waxing stuff on you? Maybe if you wax that mustache off her face she’ll snap out of it. Well, I always carry wax on me, but I don’t have any wax strips. I’ll get the used wax strips out of my bathroom trash can… LuAnn will never know.
Sonja, why are you carrying around a FAKE Birkin? I’ll carry my Birkin if I want to; it’s my house and it is NOT a fake. It’s a good replica, Sonja, but it’s still a fake AND Ramona told me that you bought your David Yurman bracelet on Canal Street… That’s it! How dare you even think I would go to Canal Street! Get out! Get out now! Outta my house… go!
Don’t you love how Brian captured my essence… the true me, the real Sonja? That’s the real essence of you, Sonja? It looks like essence of homeless on 145 and Broadway…
Thug in a cocktail dress kicks Alex out of her house…