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MELISSA GORGA: First Excerpt From Book… Written By Snooki’s Ghostwriter… Scathing Customer Reviews

Missy  RHONJ Melissa Gorga

Missy’s marriage book is still up for pre-order on Amazon.com.

melissa book cover

The enticement to order her book is an excerpt from the first chapter, which covers her “poor me” life from birth through high school in Florida where she withstood “hate” from other students (what a surprise!!!) up until the death of her father and move back to New Jersey.

RHONJ MELISSA BOOK  cover ARROW

Much more interesting and entertaining than the book excerpt is that of the customer reviews:

“Wow…just read an exerpt from this useless drivel and am amazed that someone actually published this dreck! My 8 year old grandson can write a better story than this woman. I really believe she did write it herself as it is that horrible that I can’t see a ghostwriter doing this unless they were cursed with zero talent. Don’t waste your money or your time on this book. It reads like and old Dick and Jane 1st grade reader. I really wish Bravo would stop putting these train wrecks on the air and get some quality programming. They have these idiotic women believing their own BS and we all need to stop feeding these monsters!”

This customer doesn’t read SH… got info from inscrutable source that JoGo wears a piece!

“…not sure if you watched this past Sunday’s show but the “black shoe polish” that was all over them was from Joe Gorga’s black hairspray..!! There was no mention on the show or in blogs that he lost a hairpiece during the unfortunate fight. Oh, My…another cover-up! Melissa writing a book about a great marriage and giving advice on how to obtain one is a very bad joke. But, I see there is a great new grilling book from TG..!! Firing up the grill now..!!”

Another customer who has Mego’s number!

What an absolute DISGRACE to Italian Americans! This “wench” should be writing about how to manipulate a gullible”mono” into marriage, how to lie to cover more lies, or how to become the wedge in a family.

This customer would like to see the REAL stuff!  If any Housewife were to write a tell-all, it would be JillZ… the Housewives have a gag order in their contracts!

“Publishers, Amazon, and BRAVO, instead of these insipid “advice” books from your “BRAVOlebrities”, how about allowing some hard cold truths to come out about your cast members?! I know I’d buy a book about how the Housewives shows are scripts and edited to show a different perception of the actual reality. I’d also buy a book about the fraudulent activities of the Laurita’s & Manzo’s (defrauding the Komen Charity, lying to a federal judge, lying to the people of NJ and receiving health benefits, affairs, etc). A book exposing Joe & Melissa Gorga’s past (his rape charge that was dropped, shady financial dealings including selling his parents home out from under them, living in the spec house they built, etc
Melissa’s lies about stripping, her & her sisters attacks on Teresa, Juicy, their kids, her ex ( Will leave unnamed due to his health issues) and oh so many more). Show these story lines on the show and see the ratings increase again. The same “destroy the Guidice at all costs” storyline is tired and old. As a former viewer, I know those storylines would bring me back. Teresa & Joe are no saints and have their fair share of problems, but my God, 3 seasons of constant bashing and then 3 hate fests(reunion shows) are beyond old and have disgusted many viewers. PLEASE, NO MORE USELESS HOUSEWIVES BOOKS!!! Books disclosing real behind the scenes producer shenanigans and lies perpetrated on the viewers?…YES,YES, AND YES SOME MORE!! Books on the truth behind the housewives and househusbands, YES!!”   NOTE:  Another customer who has not been reading SH!  LOL!!!

 

NOTE:   MeGo’s “writing” is almost as good as her singing!  However, what can be expected when her book was written by Snooki’s ghostwriter… see SH December 20, 2012.

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89 comments on “MELISSA GORGA: First Excerpt From Book… Written By Snooki’s Ghostwriter… Scathing Customer Reviews

  1. The first chapter alone is riddled with inconsistencies and lies. I can only imagine how terrible the rest of the book is but I did get a kick out of reading it. We only hoped it could be this bad!

    • exactly…just about every statement made in the book on her timeline of 15-18 years of age is a lie that has been substantiated more than once…does she really think the folks who would even think of purchasing this book are a bunch of idiots…get real Melissa….you’re stinking to high heaven…

  2. I have absolutely no desire to even think about this book let alone spend time and money reading it. This is got to be about a really stupid housewife!

    • luigi: Which is why there is a LINK provided for SH readers to Amazon to read the excerpt from the first chapter of her book… if you choose to do so! What is said in the summary is basically all there is to “poor me” Melissa Gorga’s excerpt! Not much there worthy of takin’ up space on SH!!! TFC!! SH

  3. The New Jersey wives are beyond tiresome, they are toxic. It appears they are all criminals to one extent or another, who knows but hopefully they too will be brought down if that’s the case. I just wish they would cancel that show entirely and the whole cast would fade into the sunset.

  4. I’d buy the first book exposing Bravo and “how do they do it?” Until then, any book “written” and credited to these charlatans is a waste of time and money and this include cookbooks whose recipes can be found by Googling recipe sites.

    The following idiots have “written” books: Countess LuAnn on manners; Kelly Bensimone on bikinis; Silex on raising kids in NYC; Vicki on herself; Teresa on Italian cooking; Brandi on sex, divorce, and STDs; Taylor Armstrong on domestic abuse; Bethenny on the power of positive thinking; Carole Radziwill on widowhood; Caroline Manzo on parenting and advice; Jill on being a Jewish mother; and now Melissa with her own brand of horse manure exposing her “beloved Daddy” who is reaching down from heaven to make her a star.

    I’ll patiently wait for the expose that will fill in all the blanks how Andy Cohen and company got these shows off the ground and convinced this non talents to take part in the fiction to pay good money to increase the level of violence and vulgarity that has made him millions.

    That one should be a best seller when the “real secrets” start tumbling out.

    • You forgot to add Andy in that list of idiots, with his book!!!
      Also, it should be noted that Carole Radziwill is the ONLY real, authentic author in that whole bunch, and she had a career in journalism before she began her run on the show. She is an intelligent and very well-respected author and journalist. Please don’t lump her together with these other dregs of society!

      • I forgot that Andy wrote his own book.

        And Carole should never have been included on the list since yes, she was a recognized writer before joining that show. Just pointing out how these “housewives” who can barely pronounce ordinary words are capable of getting books published just on the fact they appear on these shows.

    • i do believe carole radziwill is well-educated and worked for abc news. she married jackie kennedy’s (lee radziwill’s son) nephew who died from cancer a month after jfk, jr’s death. her book is the only book, mentioned above, that would probably make a good read. i would not be put carole in the same category as the other women that were mentioned.

    • In all fairness, Carole radziwill wrote her first book long before the RHONY came a-callin’. And I’ve read it. It’s a very well-written book.

    • After reading that excerpt, I became nauseous too. I think she actually wrote that because it is just so bad! She jumps around from stupid observation to stupid observation to “oh poor me I was bullied” “i was a virgin.” She didn’t grow up in the lap of luxury, but both parents had Rolexs. It’s just the worst thing I’ve read in quite a while.

      I’m happy that Tre will still be the only “what is it? New York Times best selling author?” I love that she didn’t know that title even existed or barely what it even means.

      Mel will be besides herself when the reviews all come in. I didn’t find any positive ones so far, and that excerpt was not only atrocious, it was boring.

      I think Bravo must talk these women into taking smaller salaries while telling them they can advertize and brand anything they want on the show and make money that way, but so few of them are talented enough to really benefit, especially the singers, and a lot of the so-called writers, and lets not leave out the Manzo moron brothers.. Tre is the one who has really succeeded the most in RHONJ. Like her or hate her, she has accomplished a lot. I can’t say that is true of many of the other wives on that show, so I’m sure they will all be catty and trying to make her life miserable again as soon as possible.

      • please do not confuse being on the new york times best seller’s list with the book actually being a good book. you”d have to go to the book reviews for that. it just means her book sold a lot of copies. teresa is known and liked, and that is why her book sold a lot of copies. i am not putting her book down. i understand that her recipes are very good. however, best selling in many cases does not mean the book is good. it just means it sold a lot of copies. to find out if a book is good, read a book review on it. melissa’s book could wind up on the best seller’s list only because people are curious as to what she has to say and how she says it, but a book reviewer would probably throw it in the gargage.

        • I disagree. I think authors write books in order to sell them, and if a lot of people buy them, that would be called a “successful author.” And I think depending on someone else to review a book to tell me if it is good or not is just …..well, stupid.

  5. We are to believe that 30 girls wanted to rumble with Horsey Face? The only thing missing from this tale is Sodapop, Cherry and Ponyboy. Her fight scenes read like something out of The Outsiders. Stay golden, Horsey Face! ;)

  6. Now the person who wrote the last review you have posted on here has written a NY bestseller as far as I’m concerned. I would LOVE to get my hands on a book detailing the truth behind the lies of all the housewives and their husbands. Teresa and Joe have their issues, but so does the rest of them and it is tiresome seeing them go after this girl. Then we have Ms Andy sitting on his ass at the reunions throwing more gasoline on Teresa so these heifers can continue lighting more matches as if they are saints. They better hope and pray that Teresa gets off because if she goes down unless they bring Danielle back, RHONJ is toast. They know just like we do that without Tre there is no show.

  7. Melissa’s excerpt is NOT a selling point. The paragraphs were everywhere and the writing style was horrific. There were so many inconsistencies and “woe is me” I couldn’t even finish. Melissa’s co writer is the same one that co wrote snookies book, but her name is not even on the cover. Could it be due to embarrassment? Who the heck edited this crap…..if I were the publisher I would not even have put out this excerpt….it was bad. I can’t imagine what the rest of the book looks like. Yikes.

    • i want to know why she moved back to toms river,after florida, if it was so bad, i’m laughing because we moved here over 20 yrs ago, biggest crime was stealing bikes. toms river wasn’t built up then, like it is now, it was real country,and now she has summer home here, her memories are really screwed up

  8. I think Andy’s book might be funny to read he cracks me up but don’t waste your money on Melissa’s book I bet she blames Teresa threw the whole book this girl see’s no faults in herself!

    • My daughter gave me Andy’s book as a joke………it was unreadable….full of self-serving BS about his gay choices, ad infinitum. I returned it unfinished; obviously, the same publisher didn’t edit his book either. IMO

  9. After reading the excerpt, the most honest thing I got from it was her emotions concerning her father’s passing. The rest read as made up to gather sympathy for poor Melissa. Not saying that she wasn’t probably bullied, but being that she feels that Teresa bullies her, wouldn’t we have heard some of this on RHONJ?

    • Lesley, can you speculate why her publisher would post such a poorly-written excerpt? Crapter one was all over the map, jumping from one subject to the next with no segue. They can’t have meant to entice people to buy this book by revealing this, right? [credit to GessieWTF for "crapter" on another site]

      • My observations:

        Nothing Melissa does seems authentic to her. She has moments where she imitates Teresa’s high pitch voice and/or phrases. She puts out horrible autotuned songs like a dozen other housewives before her. She attached herself to liquor brand like a dozen other HW’s. What is unique about this chick? When you think of Teresa you think cookbooks and ditzyfunny. When you think of Kim Z u think tardy for the party and wigs, Ramona is pinot griegio and cray cray, Vickie is insurance and woo whoo, Nene is Hollywood and diva, Lisa is Villa Blanca and class, etc. Every housewife has a “thing” or a “personality trait” attached to them that uniquely is them. Melissa seems like she picks a bunch of traits, endorsements, and selling points of various housewives or celebs (J.LO) to make up her personae. Nothing stands out that is uniquely her. When I think of Melissa I automatically think of Teresa or Joe Gorga. She doesn’t stand alone, no matter how hard she tries. As much as Melissa wants her kids to be spotlighted as Teresa’s kids…that doesn’t seem to happen. While M’s kids are ADORABLE especially baby joey….her kids don’t have the x factor of Teresa’s kids. Melissa brings Joe everywhere….cuz that is her prime selling point. Teresa could go anywhere alone cause she is her own standout quality, while Caroline needs her adult kids and Melissa needs her hubby. It seems Melissa is forever trying to become the break out star of this franchise to try and eclipse Teresa….but that is not going to happen. Even if Teresa goes to jail she will still be number one in that franchise. T is like the Kim Kardashian/Lindsey lohen of Housewives…..u either love her or hate her, but u still want to watch what she is doing.

    • I read her first chapter on Fame too and what a pity party. My father was also killed in a car accident when I was 19 and yes, it was devastating and horrible. My family did not have near her lifestyle and my mother had three young children. Really, is she the only person to suffer a loss? She needs to get over herself. Who wants to read all her poor me junk? She really does think she is that special. There is something really “off” with this GROWN woman.

  10. embee….you made me spite out my ice tea. I haven’t laughed so hard in a while, hilarious comment.

    Melissa will NOT pay off her advance with this crapfest. A few folks will purchase this book out of sheer curiosity and novalty (after this excerpt I am sure that number will dwindle). Once Melissa goes on her press tour and promotes the sales will plummet. This book does not have longevity and will not sell over a period of time. Teresa’s books are consistent and her topic overs beyond housewives. SO folks who don’t even watch the show consistently will still buy her books over long periods of time. However, Melissa’s book is a novelty and does not have staying power. Not to mention she has no passionate fanbase to sustain her sales. Teresa was indicted and faces a trial and she has cray cray fanantics selling “free tre” t-shirts lol. I am a fan of Teresa NOT a fanatic….but I will say Teresa has a seriously fierce fanbase…..something none of the other NJ ladies have. Instead of writing this (eyeroll) of a book Melissa should have picked a better subject. Her book comes off as inauthentic, hurriedly put together, and riddled with “poor me always a victim” tags throughout.

    • She said in a recent episode that she wanted her “FIRST book” to be authentic. First? Apparently, she believes there’s going to be more to come. Ha.

    • Sorry about the ice tea :) I agree with you about this book not having “legs” but why, oh why, would her publishers release this unedited mishegas? It’s a disaster. AND she has a ghost writer? WTH?

      • Shhhhhhhh
        Wish people would not mention how poorly the book is written/edited. I just want the publisher to suck chit as it fails, hopefully giving TSIL a “big message.”

  11. As a writer I would not choose to put “Snooki” and “Melissa” ‘s ghostwriter on my résumé.

  12. what the hell was that crap that I just wasted 5 mins of my life reading??? that was horrible and the publishers actually paid her for that??? bunch of bs, lies and junk, not to mention how choppy and crappy her sentences were…who edited this piece of crap??? I bet they will no longer have a job after this.

  13. I just want to know one thing: MeGo, are you half black? You stated “People used to ask me all the time if I’m half black.” in your disjointed Chapter 1 but you never addressed the query. Do you answer it in Chapter 3: “How to look like J-Lo”? I gotta know, MeGo! Please tell us! ;)

  14. My eyes will smell that forever. Holy crap, if she truly writes like that she should at least make it rhyme ala Green Eggs and Ham. “Could I, would I on a dare put more extensions in my hair.”

  15. It all just flipping ran together, I could not read it. It did not keep my attention. I have no freaking desire to run out and buy this book, so she can afford another dress. This people that say, “they love her and her family,” You do not know her and plus all she wants from you, is for you to buy her book, or purchase her stupid voice over songs.

  16. Why does she skip over the fact that she moved to FL with her mother and her stepfather? She makes it seem as though her parents were still together when he died. I realize this is an excerpt, but the picture she paints here, of her mother, a woman who lost the love of her life, is misleading. If she finally reveals that they were divorced, and I believe she does, the reader is going to feel duped. Of course, her mother would still be upset, but she wasnt staring at the stars every night in beautiful Boca, waiting for her Prince Charming to save them all, when suddenly he was tragically killed. And Melissas father, by her own admission (disappearing for days at a time when they all lived in NJ) , doesnt seem like the kind of man who would relocate to be with his kid. He seemed like a selfish SOB. I doubt he was ever, if she is even telling the truth here, moving to FL. Kids idealize their fathers, and maybe Melissas childlike attitude towards men and her childlike way of writing this, come from her never getting to reach full circle in their relationship.
    Since when was FL full of the blonde haired, blue eyed? Did she live in a Scandinavian reservation? Jeesh.

    • I was thinking that too. Many people in FL have tan skin and dark hair. Also, it’s my opinion that MeGo’s dad got the money for the his and her Rolexes from shady dealings. I have no proof though, sorry.

      • years ago,i was in shopping mall, man asked me if i wanted to buy a rolex watch,it was in the parking lot, lol my driend who was wirg me said yes, she bought 2 , i told him i didn’t have much money, he said its only 10,00 so i bought one. watch, it lived about 2 yrs,then it died. maybe same guy sold melissa’s dad same watchs lol

          • barb,i didn’t care i needed a watch anyway lol, in fact,when i was working in library,for big book co, i used to buy the dollar watches,,because i kept hitting them on books lol

  17. My one and only local discount store has a pile of ‘housewife’ books in the entryway. I counted 12. (None were Teresa’s.) They had been marked down to 50 cents. A week later I went back and there were still 12 and marked down to a dime. 10 freekin’ cents and they still couldn’t get rid of them. I picked up Danielle Staub’s and read a page and decided for a dime, I’d still pass. I have enough kindling in the burn pile. Seriously bad. Melissa’s writing is a new low, even for a housewife. It’s embarrassing to think an adult writes like that. That girl should go hang her head in shame. Instead, her mentally deficient husband has convinced her she’s a star. It would be laughable as a comedy, but, the reality is cringe worthy. All of this nonsense might work if she was one tenth as hot as she thinks she is. Unfortunately, she is just an average looking young woman with questionable taste and not a smidgen of talent in any area.

    • I agree. Melissa was an average girl, turned average woman, who lived an average childhood. A childhood with good and bad, just like the rest of us. She just happened to marry a man with a faux famous sister. Her memoir reads like the script for Karate Kid. I went to school for Nutrition and had to take Critical Writing classes just to graduate. And she was a teacher? She presents us with a story that has passed through an editor and comes out sounding like a fourth grader’s “what I did over summer” essay.

      • Yeah, that’s what’s so weird- I thought ghostwriters were supposed to take care of all that. Like sure- clean it up, make some cohesive story…but I was shocked at the drivelousness. I guess she really does have this little girl victim story for herself, so it can’t read any other way but derivative of other stories. It makes me think of Edgar Allen Poe, ~’all we ever see or seem is but a dream within a dream,’ – Disneyfied.

    • mow if you were a nice lady, you could have bought one 10 cent one to help out that poor housewife

  18. Read part of the first chapter!no more!What an inane piece of nothing!What you could understand we all know were lies!Will not waste my time or money on this piece of dribble!Cant believe anyone even published it!Another failure to add to her list!

  19. I dare Andy Cohen to ask JoGo what he thinks of the book – first of all, he’d have to lie because I doubt he can read at all – second he’d have to fake knowing that the “memoir” is the truth – an obvious delusion!

  20. Since nothing else is making her and SloJo relevant, I’m waiting for the “secret…ooops, how dare they break into our house and only steal a copy of our special made for our eyes only sex tape” to come out. LMAO….you know it’s coming.

    • I wouldn’t be surprised. At all. A “sex tape” may sell a heck of a lot better than a book because there are fetishists (s/p?) who are really into midget porn.

  21. This has got to be a joke! A lady who can’t learn any dance moves, but makes varsity, not freshman varsity, but senior varsity! Oh my goodness, that can’t be real, it was so bad, lol! I am in shock that this ridiculous book, is being published, just shocked, lol!

  22. Ms. SH- I want your book, your book, your book! I don’t even do polls but I clicked on that one. I know, blasphemous to put this request on a page about MeGo. But _Please_, pretty please???

  23. Anyone in the book trade know how far ahead books get printed? I wonder if the twitter exes are best keeping quiet until after it goes to print, so she can’t revise her way out of it. But I guess she’s already planned for that, since she’s knows what truths could hit.

    • I’m thinking that they will print a first run of books based on the “pre-order” because Mel always says “pre-order, pre-order, pre-order.” I think unless you are a die hard fan, you would wait for a review or read sections as they are available ahead of time.

  24. *Sigh* I don’t think Melissa really meant that She and Snookie both had the same “ghost writer”. I think Melissa had Snookie do the editing and that was that. The editor didn’t catch that she was slumped over the steering wheel while fists slammed the car’s roof, but she was desperate to flee and hopped into the car when they were beating on it- in the same sentence.
    “The thirty girls were now slamming their fists on the roof of the car. It was like a scene from a gang movie that ended with me slumped and alone in the car. Desperate to flee, I hopped back in and started tapping the gas, hoping the girls would move out of the way. But they kept beating on the roof, the hood and the doors.”

    • Yeah..how did she get into the car while thirty girls were pounding on it? I know those girls in FL are skinny, but line em up around a car, no room for thirty. Maybe fifteen. Did they open the door and let her in….then continue pounding? That makes sense. I feel better.

    • Oh, Tammy- I’m there with ya. Sadly, I think a ghost-writer is involved- albeit a Z-listish one. I noticed the use of supposed advanced writing techniques, such as “Prefer openers.” Someone had to turn ~’Like a ship without a sail’ into “Rudderless.” Can you imagine receiving MeGo’s draft? Bet the poor woman’s head was _essplodin._

  25. I wonder if part of the Bravo HW contract stipulates some sort of commercial product, such as a book? There’s nothing much at all about Melissa that is so compelling I would want to read about her life. We know she can’t sing too well and her songs are mediocre. But if she had a longstanding hobby or deep interest, that would have been better I think.

  26. Remember when she said ” i am actually writing the book”…oh that that shorewhore really did…write it…she actually WROTE THE BOOK…LOL

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