REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA RECAP
Season Five, Episode Fifteen… “Praise The Pageant”
by Sandi Duffy
Before I start recapping Atlanta, I need to go off an a tangent. I’ve tried to hold back week after week, but this has been boiling up inside of me and I need to get it out. I am disgusted with Bravo and Andy Cohen’s stereotypical, over-the-top portrayal of gay men.
I count a number of gay men in my circle of friends and let me describe what they are NOT like! They do not wear make-up, high heels, call themselves by female names, chase anything with a pulse, shun commitment, love show tunes, have over-the-top commitment ceremonies where everyone wears hats, swish, and any of the other disgusting stereotypes that have been portrayed on Bravo.
Now, let me describe what my gay friends are like. They are all in long term committed relationships. One couple has two adopted children. Another are the best cooks I have ever had the pleasure to eat with and enjoy their food. One is an amazing artist and I have quite a bit of his artwork in my home. One couple is a regular at my Superbowl party every year and, wait for it, THEY WATCH AND ENJOY THE SUPERBOWL. I would ask none of them for fashion advice because like all the other men I know they are all clueless about women’s fashion. None of them watch Bravo (are you reading this Cohen?), and if they did, I think they would be highly offended at the way gay men are being portrayed on this network. OK, I feel much better now.
We open with Cynthia’s Miss Renaissance Pageant. Kenya stops over to bring a young girl over to Cynthia’s agency who wants to be a model and join the pageant. Kenya is mentoring her. So a batshit crazy nutbjob is sending this girl to Cynthia’s low rent “modeling school” to become a model. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Oh, and Kenya offers to help and be a judge a the pageant…and Cynthia accepts the offer. Whatever. I can’t even comment on this insanity or how two-faced Cynthia is.
Next we have Porsha meeting her husband for dinner. Porsha wants to have a baby, but doesn’t want to put her “career” on hold. I can’t type because I’m laughing hysterically. What career exactly is that? Capitalizing on her grandfather’s good name? I mean don’t get me wrong, Kordell seems like a controlling a–hole, but really, Porsha has or had a career?
Now we have the adorable Chef Roble at Phaedra’s house with the hot Apollo and Kandi’s cute fiance. It’s a plethora of attractive men on Atlanta tonight. There’s going to be a girls trip to Vegas. I’m with Kandi, it’s my favorite place, too, but I have a feeling these women are going to ruin it for me. I may have to skip that episode.
All the sexual talk over the food is making me uncomfortable. I don’t consider myself a prude, but really.
Kandi is in the studio recording her gospel song. I’m bored. I’m fast forwarding through this part. If I missed anything important, tell me in the comments.
Ok, I missed the part where we meet Kandi’s father for the first time. Still not interesting.
Nene is back in Atlanta and her other lap dog, Cynthia, comes to visit. Cynthia fills in Nene on everything that is going on. Cynthia acts like she owes Nene an explanation for why she has Kenya as a judge at her pageant. More talk of the girls trip and we all know that’s going to be a huge disaster.
Porsha is out once again torturing her baby niece to prove she can be a mother. First thing Porsha does is feed her Twizzlers. I give her points for changing the kid’s diaper, though. Kids that age really are freakin’ exhausting. I don’t miss those days for anything. Porsha needs gates in her home. Those gates are a lifesaver.
We’re back in the recording studio with Kandi and I’m fast forwarding again.
The moment I’ve been waiting for finally arrives, the beauty pageant. You just know this is going to be a hot mess because Cynthia is an idiot.
Her emcee looks like he’s going for a picnic on the beach rather than hosting a beauty pageant. Cynthia is in a gown and her emcee is in casualware.
Kenya is wearing her Miss USA sash and since she won that title so long ago, I can’t believe it doesn’t have moth holes in it.
Cynthia’s microphone isn’t working. Like I said, hot mess.
Let the exploitation of young girls begin!
The girls are listed out of order on the script. They are giving wrong names as the girls come out on stage. And these people paid $500 for this.
Porsha brings her niece and can’t handle her by herself, so she brings a friend.
Cynthia calls an intermission and forgets about half the pageant girls still waiting to be introduced. This pageant is painful to watch. Where is Honey Boo Boo and her go go juice when you need her.
Kenya is actually really nice and encouraging to Cynthia even though she is well aware this pageant is a hot mess. Points to Kenya and you probably will never hear that from me again.
The pageant is over and the votes are being tallied…and tallied…and tallied. Well, it’s not like we are all waiting on the edge of our seats to find out who wins.
The girl who wins acts like she just won the Nobel Peace Prize rather than have just paid $500 for this clusterf*ck of a pageant.
At least we didn’t have to hear Porsha sing.