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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTO RECAP: Season Three, Episode Nine… “Moroccan Madness”… READ IT… IT’S FUNNY!!!!

RHOBH Brandi                                        DAMMIT… my tooth is still killing me!RHOBH waitress SUR                          I don’t care about your damn tooth.  I’m only here to boost my acting career… why don’t you call LeAnn, maybe she’ll care about your tooth.RHOBH Brandi LisaV                    OH!  Do you STILL have that wonky tooth?  We’ll just wrap a piece of string around that tooth, attach the string to the SUR entrance door, then slam that SUR door shut real hard…that’ll yank that tooth right outta your bloody mouth!

RHOBH Brandi LisaV                        I’d give you my personal dentist’s number, but remember… you’re a poor, single, struggling woman being “sued” by the Hoof on this season of the RHOBH… you’d never even be able to afford the cost of one sniff of the lovely laughing gas which my dentist imports from London daily.   Which reminds me… I have a dentist appointment!!  Gotta go!

RHOBH Kyle Yolanda                      So, Yolanda, how do ya like bein’ on my show… I mean how do you like being on a “reality” show?  I mean, how do you like being a part of the RHOBH?   And… how long do I have to carry around these string beans for you?

RHOBH Yolanda Kyle cleanse                   Drink up, Kyle.. this will curb those hunger pangs you’re always whining about!  You’ll learn to love this cleanse… even though it’s been around since 1960… and where are dos string beans you were carrying for me?

RHOBH Kyle Yolanda                         I had to eat those string beans!  Climbing those nine steps back up to your house was torture and I needed the strength from those beans.  Those string beans gave me a stomach ache and now my head is thumping!

RHOBH Yolanda Kyle cleanse                      Just drink more of my cleanse… at least four gallons more.  David will be home soon… I’ve already texted him and he’s gonna write a special song, just for you!  Which song title do you like better “Kyle Don’t Know Beans” or “Wild Lavender Is Not A Vegetable”???

RHOBH KimR life coach                     You are my life coach… understand?  LIFE COACH.  You haven’t given me any good life coachin’ advice yet… you even encouraged me to look like an idiot on that “DangerDiving” show…

RHOBH KimR                             I know your advice is crap, but the only reason I keep letting you into my house is because you remind me so much of my Ken.   OK?  There, I said it!  When I look at you, I see my KenBoy!  And when I see my KenBoy, I just think of his classic words…

RHOBH LisaV KenT swing                      OH! Mr. KenTodd, let me put that last flower in the ground… I put all the others in for you.  OH!  I forgot about zee cameras!  Sorry, Mr. Ken!  You go ahead and we won’t tell no one that I planted all Mz. Pump’s flowers!

LisaV RHOBH                     This coffee is terrible…

RHOBH LisaV                  These flowers are wilted and crooked…

RHOBH SUR waitress                             I swear to you that I didn’t make the coffee and I didn’t break the stems on those flowers!  Besides, don’t you know who I am?  As soon as my mother recovers from her mysterious concussion, which she told me that she got from John Kerry pushin’ her into a wall,  you’ll be gettin’ a call from the state department.

RHOBH kyle lisav brandi dinner sur                     Yes, Kyle… my darling Lisa got a call from a “Mrs. Clinton”!  My Lisa hung up on her and fired Chelsea.   We don’t care who done it… no one gets away with makin’ junk coffee and breakin’ flowers stems around SUR!

RHOBH KenT LisaV Giggy            Darlin’… did you see the letter we got from the IRS?

LisaV RHOBH on swing KenT                        So wot if we got a letter to appear in front of the Irish Republican Snifters society!  They’re just tryin’ to sell us brandy glasses for our restaurants… hope you threw that letter from those Irish hooligans in the trash!  Push me, Ken… higher!!  HIGHER!!

RHOBH KenT LisaV Giggy                     Oh, darling…  I can’t wait until our re-commitment ceremony!  Let’s invite all the other Bravo couples who’ve gone through the same re-wedding for ratings!  They’re all divorced now, but let’s invite them anyway!   Maybe a big brawl will let loose during our ceremony… just think of the ratings, darling!

RHOBH Kyle Marisa                      You stole my dress, Marisa!

RHOBH Brandi Yolanda Kyle                   Kyle says that I stole her dress.

RHOBH Brandi Marisa Kyle               Here’s the deal, Marisa.  You weren’t around last season, but you have been friends with Kyle for over twelve years, so you KNOW about Kyle stealin’ Kim’s house.  So, Kyle probably stole YOUR dress.   OH… and if you’ve been friends for so long, howz come you didn’t know that Kyle’s adopted?

RHOBH KimR LisaV Kyle Brandi Yolanda                      OH, it’s my sister… Kim!   Let’s show everyone how much we love each other… big hugs and two-cheek kisses!   You just can’t help yourself by embarrassing me, can you Kim?  Your mic pac is stickin’ outta the back of your dress!

RHOBH Marisa Brandi Yolanda LisaV KimR                           I am so proud of my sister for goin’ to that rehab place… just so proud!

RHOBH Camille KimR                            I might be divorced from Kelsey, but I still got clout in the TV world!  I’m sick and tired of our Beverly Hills franchise gettin’ story line leftovers!  This belly dancin’ shtick was done by those cretins in New Jersey!  Oh, MissAndy’s gonna hear from me!

RHOBH Yolanda KimR Kyle                   This drink order is all wrong!  Send it back, Kyle… I ordered you more of my lemon pledge cleanse!

RHOBH KimR Kyle                    Kim, you promised me that you’d get me thirty-seven white ponies and you never did.

RHOBH KimR Kyle                 Kyle… I’m just trying to get through my personal issues and you’re cryin’ to me about white ponies?  White ponies which were promised to you when I was nine and on “Witch Mountain”? Seriously?

 brandi shana face camille arrow                      We had ponies, too!  Lotsa ponies!!  We had to sell them on EBay.

RHOBH LisaV Yolanda                     Who the hell invited the EBay girl?

brandi camille shana arrow                    And after they found out that the ponies were really mules painted to look like little ponies, they make me turn over my Birkin bags!  I paid good money on Canal Street for those Birkins!

camille shana back head arrow                       Oh, Shana!  I know what it’s like to have your favorite things yanked out from under you.  Well, not really… I was kinda glad when Kelsey took off.  But, to have your fake Birkin bags taken… that’s just low!

RHOBH LisaV Yolanda                           I’m sitting here listening to these people whining about ponies and phony Birkin bags when I could be home vit my David, listening to Streisand, Botti, Stevie Wonder, Michael Buble, Xtina, Rihanna, Celine Dion, LAReid, Kenny Loggins, Blake Shelton, Justin Beiber, and the UCLA Marching Band… they’re all in my living room right now.   Howz about it, VPump?  Let’s blow this joint!

dean camille brandi arrow                       All we wanna know from you, Morris is did you really STEAL Kim’s house?   It’s a pretty simple question to answer…

RHOBH Kyle Morris John                    First, I am NOT Morris… I’m John Turturro and I’m only here to pump up this flaccid show by allowing them to use my name.  

JOHN MAURICIO KYLE'S HUSBAND

I’m only Kyle’s “husband” until my contract is up… so I don’t know nuthin’ about no stolen house.  I’ll have to ask my “wife” that question.   Did you steal your sister’s house, Kyle?

dean marisa brandi camille arrow shana                      I’m really thinkin’ that this is a crap restaurant and it could use some real, regular dining tables…. and howz about a dessert menu?  Really, Marisa, what kinda people are you dealing with now? 

camille shana arrow      DESSERT?? At a very important point in this mess of a show?   We ALL wanna know if Kyle stole Kim’s house!  Let’s get the heat offa me for a change…

shana brandi camille arrow                You’re all with me on this one, right girls?  RIGHT?  I’ll damn well squeeze your hands until your fingers need surgically repaired… now answer my question!!  Are you with me?!

RHOBH Morris Kyle KimR                     OK!  OK!!  I just asked Kyle and she told me that I stole Kim’s house!  Kim doesn’t even care, she’s busy eatin’ grape leaves.

RHOBH Ken LisaV                      Did you know about John’s house-stealin’, my love?   I mean WHY are we payin’ him commission every time we move if he can just steal houses for us?

brandi shana face camille arrow I               DAMN!!   That was some grip.  I got all my fingers… how are yours, Camille?  The next time we have one of these forced get-togethers, don’t place me next to super-grip Skeletor.  Now…  didn’t someone ask for dessert???

28 comments on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTO RECAP: Season Three, Episode Nine… “Moroccan Madness”… READ IT… IT’S FUNNY!!!!

  1. Very funny re-captions to this ep. Thanks for hiding Traylor-Park’s wild eyed, drunken face. She is a disgrace when she digs up her deceased husband to throw dirt on him again and again. She literally is beating a dead horse (“No, we don’t have our plane anymore, baby!”) Wah-wahhhhhhhh.

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  2. Wasn’t that the exact outfit Shana wore for her last bday party?? I remember seeing it online, along with the other HWs that were there. Did anyone notice Shana quietly opening a box during the scene at the restaurant? I do think this was her bday party but Bravo didn’t even include that footage.

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  3. Holy crap–is that a huge mole on Kim’s right shoulder??!!! That’s so obviously an out-of-control melanoma, or other type of skin cancer. She has such fair skin, which puts her at higher risk anyway. I know whereof I speak on this topic. That ghastly thing needs to be removed and biopsied by a dermatologist ASAP before it kills her.

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  4. Haha Lemon Pledge (cleanse). That was more fun to read that it was to watch. I think we’ve found “moment zero” as to why Cow (Kyle) dislikes Brandi so much. In the episode below (over shadowed by loud mouth Dana and her $25K glasses-money clearly well spent). Maurcio eye eff’s Brandi at Adrienne’s bbq and Cow catches it. And so the jealousy began.

    http://rirotv.com/tv/links/show/the-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills/season/2/episode/5/25000-sunglasses/

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  5. So many Brandi fans commend her on being such a big person meeting with Shana (however it’s spelled) but let’s call this what it was … Brandi met with the girl as a promo for Lisa’s new show. That whole thing was a lead in to the new show.
    It also allowed her to get that little jab in about how Eddie is cheating on LeAnn. And to try to come off noble and say even if he is cheating, she doesn’t want them to get divorced because it would be hard on her perfect children.
    Brandi’s claim to fame, the only reason we know her at all is because her D-list actor hubby left her for LeAnn. I think Brandi would have kept turning her head to all of Eddie’s affairs and stayed in the marriage. That is not a good example to set for perfect or not so perfect children. Now she is being the perpetual victim.She admits she is in a better place now. Seeing both Brandi and Taylor go on and on about how abused and disrespected they were is tiresome. It is not attractive (IMHO)

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    • Yes, I don’t see it that way. I think that Brandi met with Sheana as a lead into Vanderpump Rules, but I don’t think she was prepped in advance as to what Sheana was going to say. I have no personal opinion as to Sheana’s relationship with Eddie, but do believe that no matter what their relationship was, she had no business spilling the details to Brandi. To me that makes her a bad person.

      As to Brandi’s claim to fame, in order to keep a blind eye to her husband’s affairs, she would have had to know about them. We can go on and on about what she should have known, but as I recall when it came to LeAnn Rimes, Eddie and LeAnn initially lied, setting up Brandi to make a public statement that would blow up in her face in a matter of days, then decided to leave their respective spouses and get together (leading to Sheana’s ridiculous behind going to the press about her own relationship with Eddie). I wouldn’t wish that sort of public humiliation on anyone, and doubt she could have seen it coming.

      The thing about the meeting with Sheana that I liked best was that Brandi says that she does not talk badly about her ex in front of her children. I admire that because my mother did the same thing. My father cheated on my mother repeatedly, and yes she would have taken him back before he finally decided to leave. And yet she never ever had a cross thing to say about my father in front of me, allowed me to put him on an undeserved pedestal, and was there for me when my relationship with my father eventually deteriorated and broke. To the day she died I know she was in love with my father and hurt by the way he treated her, but never said anything against him. No matter how Brandi got to where she is today in regards to being on a reality show, she’ll always be tops in my book for doing her best to maintain a stable and drama free home for her children, no matter what we hear in the press.

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