REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS RECAP
Season Three, Episode Nine… “Moroccan Madness”
by Sandi Duffy
So……….Brandi is done talking with Slutty McSlutster and rehashes the conversation with Lisa. I wish that douche, Eddie, didn’t get so much airtime, but Brandi gets her shots in when she states that Slutty was number 3 in a list of 300. And that he’ll probably cheat again. I can feel Leanne’s nervous breakdown all the way over here on the East Coast.
I can’t help but wonder if Brandi always lacked confidence or if her ex’s cheating did that to her. Brandi should have Kyle’s confidence. Kyle thinks she’s the shit. In turn, Kyle should have Brandi’s lack of confidence and then maybe we wouldn’t be subjected to seeing her in clothing that’s 3 sizes too small.
Kyle visits Yolanda and they are doing a cleanse. Yolanda reminds me of Aviva with all her wacky alternative ideas. Well, Aviva if Aviva really had money, looks, and her sanity.
Kim’s “life coach” comes over. See what I did there? See how I put “life coach” in parentheses? That’s because I put “life coaches” in the same category as “psychics”.
Lisa goes to her restaurant–the other restaurant, not the one that’s the terrible Bravo TV show.
Ken and the housekeeper are planting a garden for Lisa. The Brits really love their gardens. I know this because I watch a lot of PBS–Downton Abbey, Masterpiece Mystery, Rosemary and Thyme. Everything I know about British people I’ve learned from Channel 13.
Ken surprises her with her garden and it’s very sweet. Actually it turns out to be a pink swing and a little heart-shaped garden. Ken and Lisa are getting ready to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary and I smell a Housewives Vow Renewal. I was right. Ken proposes a vow renewal. I must be “psychic”…or I watch too Housewives.
Kyle is having dinner with Marisa and the ladies because she is “embarrassed” about her dinner party. She should be f–king embarrassed. I can’t believe Brandi is coming to dinner. Is the morally corrupt Faye Rancid coming because if she is, I’m out of here. You are all on your own with this recap.
Kyle claimed that Marisa was such a good friend, but she never met Kim. Either Kyle and Marisa aren’t really friends or Kyle is really the world’s shittiest sister…and hostess.
And here’s Brandi. Why? Why would Brandi subject herself to this? Is the Bravo paycheck really worth it? Brandi announces that Adrienne and Paul are suing her. They want Brandi to sign a piece of paper stating she will never talk about them again. If they have some big secret, WHY THE F–K ARE THEY ON A REALITY SHOW? Camille arrives. Ugh, and here comes Trailor. Kim is next. I hope Kim tells Kyle off. If she tells Kyle off, she’ll be my favorite housewife. Oh, and housewife wannabe, Maurice shows up. Kim needs to tell him off, too. Marissa’s husband is cute. Her brother, not so much. Is she trying to fix Brandi up with him? I like Chris Botti better.
Yolanda and Kyle pounce on Kim for not coming to “the cleanse.” Yeah, that’s now in parentheses, too. Yolanda is getting all sanctimonious and Gwyneth Paltrow on me now. And that’s not a compliment. I used to devote a blog post a month to making fun of Gwynnie’s website, GOOP.
Kim says she can’t do a cleanse. Kyle won’t let it go. I can tell you why she can’t do a cleanse. Her body needs friggin’ nutrients after years of alcoholism. Get off her freakin’ back.
Kim and Kyle have a heart-to-heart. THEN, Kyle TTC’s that she doesn’t think Kim will stay sober. Well with a supportive sister like Kyle, I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t.
Yolanda gets all judgie because the Moroccan restaurant isn’t Arabic enough for her. Trailor claims she is ready to date. She is…her married lawyer. Ok, I’m not really one to talk. My husband died over 5 years ago and I’ve gone on exactly one date…and that was a year ago. Ok, now we get to hear Trailor trash her dead husband again.
Brandi tells the ladies Adrienne is suing her. Just sign the damn paper, Brandi. You’re broke. You can’t afford a lawyer and fight it. Maurice, the extra housewife, has too much to say. STFU, Mauricio! STFU!
Damn! Trailor is making it about her again. Kim goes at Trailor, and I’m ready to be her BFF. Go Kim. Now go at Kyle. And Maurice. STFU, MAURICE!
Go Ken. Stick up for Brandi and go at Maurice! I’m loving Ken, now. Of course Maurice is going to be on Adrienne and Paul’s side because Brandi doesn’t have money and Adrienne and Paul do, even if it is dwindling in leaps and bounds.
Marisa’s husband looks like a deer in the headlights. He is really cute.
Kim now joins in and attacks Brandi for calling her a meth addict. She had the drug wrong, but the diagnosis right. Kim, you and your sister were horrible to Brandi. WHEN THE F–K ARE YOU GOING TO OWN IT?! Isn’t that a step in AA? I know that from watching Billy Madison.
Lisa wants to know where everyone was when Adrienne accused her of selling stories. Maurice asks who cares about that. Damn, I dislike Maurice. Marissa’s husband killed me when after everything hit’s the fan he asks who wants dessert. I actually had to rewind it to make sure that’s what he really said. He’s my new favorite husband.
On the next RHOBH…