REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTO RECAP: Season Three, Episode Eight… “Unsolved Mistresses”… READ IT…IT’S FUNNY!!

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.20.48 PM                             I need a dentist… bad.  My tooth is killin’ me.

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.20.56 PM                      We don’t have any of those people who work on teeth around here, Brandi… you’ll just have to live with the pain and sit through FayeRancid ranting about you until my dinner party is over.

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.21.06 PM                       Yes, Brandi… WE, meaning Kyle and I… do NOT and would NEVER know any of those who are lower in the medical chain… those dental people which you speak of.   The people who put their hands in dirty mouths.  So, why don’t you get with your own kind of people and maybe you’ll find a dentist among them.  Go on, git out!

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.21.14 PM                        Oh, Brandi… I’m sure that all those old model friends of yours whose teeth fell out from smokin’ meth can help you find a good dentist.  We just don’t know any of those kinda sub-medical people here… 

Shana psychic arrow               Shana, you will be going directly to Hell.  Yes, H-E-Double Toothpicks!  And, you’ll be given extra time in H-E-DoubleToothpicks for havin’ the burglar balls to wear a holy rosary around your neck as jewelry.   

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.21.31 PM                   Wash away my troubles, wash away my fears with the rain in Shana … Shama… Shamba… Sham-ba-la… OH!  I feel some ThreeDogNight coming on!   Let’s dance!!


Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.21.39 PM                    Nice goin’, Kyle.  You’re a real friend. There were THREE spots on that dumb diving show and I really wanted to show off my jumpin-in-the-shallow-part-of-the-pool skills.

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.21.47 PM                     Just shut up, Kyle.  Hope you have a great time doin’ belly flops in front of a record low Neilsen ratings audience.   I won’t be sending John Turturro any pocket listings out from under Rick Hilton from now on either.

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.21.55 PM                           If I was going to ask any of my sister/friends to fill the third spot, I would have had to choose between you and FayeRancid.  I just couldn’t choose… I just couldn’t!  Now you’re makin’ me cry, Marisa… well, I’m tryin’ to cry, anyway.  LOOK… I almost have tears!  But, I’m beggin’ you… keep sendin’ John those listings!

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.22.04 PM                    Hey!  Lady!!  YOU!  In the lumpy dress, carrryin’ the old StellaMcCartney purse!  YO!  The meter maid is just about to ticket you!  

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.22.13 PM                  Really, Lisa… did you HAVE to drag me here just to talk?  I mean, I’m not made outta money like you and Adrienne.  I’m not gonna buy anything here.  I have to put gas in my car AND I have to pay for parking… that’s my $20 for the day.  I mean, why couldn’t we shop at Kyle’s sister’s used dress emporium store?

RHOBH Kathy Hilton store

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.22.20 PM                  Hasn’t that guy from ROL or the guy from InTouch called you yet?  I’ve set you up with them to funnel them some stories.  Notice I didn’t say “sell.”

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.22.27 PM                         I’m so confused.  I thought Lisa was MY friend this season.  She told ME that if I gave ROL and InTouch 20 stories, they’d give me a mini-Cooper.  Now I don’t have a ring… or my phony Birkins… and now I don’t even have a damn crappy Cooper car.  I hate Lisa.

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.22.33 PM                         No remarks about my handbag, Paul.  NONE!

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.22.41 PM            Adrienne… you know how I feel about your purses.  They’re way too big for your little person body.  I’m a doctor… I know how oversized purses can affect the height-challenged.  You have shrunk three inches since 2010.

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.22.48 PM                  Bernie never complains about my purses…. and he never “accidentally” calls me “Amy Roloff”!

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.22.55 PM                             I look much better nude…I just do.   In fact, I’m thinking of undressing right now…

shana kyle morris john arrow                            I brought my married lawyer-boyfriend to dinner with me this time… hope you don’t mind the switcharoo, Kyle.

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.23.21 PM                    What happened to Dr. NoSocks??  

shana arrow                           He’s busy curing his thousands of clients… besides, I found out he was gay.   

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.23.28 PM                            If I ever want to make it as an actress in Hollywood, I have to nail this performance.  There are big-time agents watching… like Cedric.

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.23.36 PM                      Yes, Stassi… er Stacey…. er Shannon…. whatever your bloody name is, just remember the acting instructions I gave you.  Look concerned, then wince a bit, make your lips tremble and then squeeze your knickers together until tears are produced.  That’s how I learned to act for a “reality” show!

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.23.42 PM                   UH… Lisa… you gave me the exact acting lessons!  

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.23.50 PM                       This is gonna be a contest to see which of us will use Lisa’s “knicker squeezin” technique first.

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.24.01 PM                        OH!  I am SUCH a better actress than Brandi! I’m cryin’ first!  I just knew I could act… I’m a REAL axtress!

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.24.10 PM                        OH!  That chick ain’t out-actin’ ME!  My knickers are squished… tears are flowing!   Napkins are soaked!

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 10.24.20 PM                              I gotta leave you now, home wrecker.  I gotta find Lisa’s pile of clean napkins to soak my acting tears.   You will NEVER outcry me… NEVER!  And… Cedric isn’t a big-time ACTING agent, he’s an insurance agent.  Works for Allstate over on Robertson.  Gotta go now… have a nice life.


Bravo has announced that they will no longer be using phony psychics, tarot readers, palm readers on their phony baloney “reality” shows… Bravo is now going with a proven approach…