REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA RECAP:
Season Five, Episode Nine… “Dress Down And Strip Bare”
by Sandi Duffy
The ladies are back from screwing over the island of Anguilla (still don’t know where it is) and Nene is feeling out Kenya at lunch. Nene grills Kenya about Walter because Nene is not buying that Walter is really her boyfriend. Everytime Nene TTCs about it, I crack up.
Next we have a Mensa meeting between Cynthia and Porsha–the two dumbest housewives this side of Teresa “Norwegian” Guidice. Kandi joins them a little later. Porsha starts with her whole, eat yams, conceive twins conversation. Kandi reveals she wants to start a family next year and Porsha offers to be her test dummy. Oh, the irony!
Kandi reveals that Todd has been asking her ring size. THEN talk turns to Kenya and Walter and their fake relationship.
Phaedra has Kenya over to talk about her and Apollo’s workout video. I saw Phaedra in a bathing suit on the beach in Anguilla. I have no interest in her workout video. But I don’t mind this scene because I can just stare at the beauty that is Apollo. When do you think he’ll take his shirt off?
Kenya TTCs that her time is valuable and she is annoyed that Phaedra isn’t more prepared. Um, Kenya, Phaedra is the only housewife who tolerates you, you’d better be nice and STOP FLIRTING WITH APOLLO! Oh no, Apollo and Phaedra start arguing in front of Kenya. Don’t argue in front of the woman who wants your husband.
There are rumors that Phaedra and Apollo are having marital problems and heading for divorce. Cynthia says she has heard Apollo hangs out in strip clubs. It turns out Peter goes quite frequently, too. According to Cynthia and Peter it is really common in Atlanta for men to go to strip clubs. I’m not from Atlanta, so I can’t comment on that.
Cynthia and Walter meet for lunch? Coffee? Dessert? I can’t figure out where the hell they are, but we are back to the marriage conversation. This is the most ridiculous, manufactured storyline. I am over it.
Kenya pulls the abused woman card. If Kenya was abused in the past, and that’s a big IF (and it’s really ashame that all these housewives’ claims of abuse are ruining it for real victims of domestic violence), why is she acting like Walter did anything even close to abuse her? This guy looks like he couldn’t even abuse a spider in his home. I bet he sweeps it onto a piece of paper and sets it free outside.
Kandi has her home blessed by Phaedra’s Pastor. That’s a lot less weird than the broad from DC who had her home saged or whatever you call it when you burn sage all over your house. Phaedra talks marriage with Todd and he’s funny and cute. I officially like Todd. Phaedra then complains about Apollo and how he leaves the toilet seat up and doesn’t do the dishes. Phaedra, that’s every husband. They also leave their socks all over the place and never put their clothes away.
Porsha and her husband or\\are in the hot tub and Kordell has some nasty scars on his chest. Is that from his football days?
All the Atlanta men have gotten to be friendly. They should have The Real Househusbands of Atlanta because those guys seem to honestly like each other and I’d enjoy seeing them hang out. There used to be a series called “Hollywood Househusbands” or something like that and it was fun to watch. There was no drama and the men were funny and self-effacing. I’ve really had it with all the drama on these housewives shows and it would be refreshing watching a show where people get along. I think it’s why I’ve started watching “Ice Loves Coco”. You know what? Ice REALLY does love Coco.
Peter and Cynthia and Apollo and Phaedra go to a strip club and it’s horrifying. Where does a strip club like this exist? The women are past their prime and past their fighting weight. Apollo is trying to explain himself and I am slowly realizing Apollo needs to shut up and just look pretty because he’s a moron. I’ve been so enamored by his looks for three seasons, I totally missed that he’s stupid.
The ladies are celebrating some ad campaign for some wine that Cynthia is promoting. The men all start doing tequilla shots and nothing good happens when the shots start. Peter rushes to greet his man crush Kordell. Peter’s eyes actually look dreamily at him. Somehow Kenya got an invitation and I thought Cynthia hated Kenya.
Peter asks Apollo about his time in prison and I’m wondering if he is going to ask Apollo if he ever was prison raped, but he falls short of being THAT inappropriate. Apollo is talking about how awful it was; like they say Apollo, if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime. Of course Beretta did the crime and got off scott free.
Walter arrives and blows past his “girlfriend” to hang with the guys. That’s really funny. Kenya is pissed and is getting ready to leave. Porsha approaches Kenya about moving forward and Kenya blows her off.
Talk turns to the divorce rumors regarding Apollo and Phaedra. To prove they are happy, they suck each others heads off. Apollo reveals that he and Phaedra are like porn stars in the bedroom and I just threw up in my mouth.