REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA RECAP:
Season Five, Episode Six… “Hold On To Your Weave”
By Sandi Duffy
Before I start my Atlanta recap, I want to admit that I watched part of the Leann Rimes interview on E and all I have to say is, wow, she is really an unfortunate looking woman…and batshit crazy. It’s a really good thing she found a handsome douche bag to steal away from his family and be willing not to ever work and live off of her fortune. And a big FU to Gulianna Rancic. Would she go that easy on someone who had an affair with her husband? Where’s Diane Sawyer when you need her? Oh yeah, getting drunk on election night.
Now, onto RHOA. I hate Kim. Besides being a whore, lazy and foul-mouthed, she is one of those chicks who dumps her girlfriends once she has a man. That is probably the most unforgivable quality a woman can have. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Kim!
All the women talk about all the opportunities they passed up to make plans with Kim. Well, that makes then all fools because Kim ALWAYS cancels on them. DUH!
Kandi starts asking Kenya about Walter and when Kenya tells her what he does for a living, Kandi is all like, “I KNOW HIM!” Old news Kandi. We all know Walter once asked you out. I would love to know why Kandi turned him down.
Nene is funny when she starts telling the girls she can’t go on the trip because she’s cutting an album and going to law school. Nene has been very funny this season. Her show still sucks, though.
Kandi is talking to her mom about Kim. Can we just all STFU about Kim? Then they flashback to Kim’s wedding. I didn’t watch her wedding show, you know because I can’t stand her and all. Anyway, Kim had security remove her own parents? What did they do, steal the silverware?
Peter and Cynthia are going out with Porsha and Kordell and Peter is all excited to meet Kordell. Kordell ends up not showing up. Hahahahaha! Peter invited Porsha and Kordell on the trip. That’s because Peter has a big ol’ man crush on Kordell.
Peter is positively giddy when he meets Kordell. Men crack me up when they meet their sports heroes. My late husband was a huge NY Ranger Fan and once met Mark Messier at a bar and bought him a drink. Like Mark Messier wasn’t making millions of dollars and needed my husband to spend his hard-earned money buying the guy a drink.
Kenya shows up at the airport and in a display of 4-year-old immaturity, totally ignores Porsha. Kandi’s boyfriend “surprises” her by coming on the trip. Luckily he was able to get a seat on the same flight right next to Kandi. It’s really convenient how that worked out.
Oh, did they take a boat to Anguilla, not a plane? My bad. I still don’t know where the hell Anguilla is.
Why is Kenya driving the ship? Why do I think that’s not very safe?
There’s a bus to take them to their hotel and an escalade. Cynthia, Peter, Greg and Nene take the escalade. I guess they are all too good for the bus.
Kenya is already bitching about her hotel room. When I go on vacation, I spend only enough time in my hotel to sleep, shower and change my clothes. Who the hell cares?
Phaedra won’t get in the hot tub because she is skeeved out. I am totally skeeved out by hot tubs, too. Apollo and Phaedra call her OBGYN about the hot tub and he agrees with Phaedra and me about hot tubs. I KNEW IT!
This episode can end right now because Apollo looks fiiiiiiinnnnnne in a bathing suit. Kenya, very inappropriately pushes Apollo in the pool and then Apollo picks up Kenya and jumps in the pool with her. Phaedra has steam coming out of her ears.
Everyone is sitting at breakfast and Cynthia and Kenya are actually getting along. Then Phaedra arrives in a thong, which is something I didn’t need to see. Porsha is funny when she TTCs wondering where Phaedra’s clothes are.
Everyone is going on a boat ride, but they need to take a small boat to get onto the big boat. People pretending to be rich are weird. OK, Nene agrees with me about the whole taking a boat to get to a boat thing.
All the couples go off alone and where do these people find beaches with no one else on them? Is it 6 am or something? Kenya brings the marriage issue up again. Why is she so desperate to get married? I mean, there is absolutely no chemistry between her and this man. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had more chemistry than these two.
Kandi and her man are at a bar where every drink has the word “F–k” in it. Kandi’s man is pretty fine, too. He runs a close second to Apollo and the fact that he’s not an ex-con makes him surpass Apollo. I’d also like to add that my 6-year-old daughter is now laying here watching this with me, which is completely inappropriate, but she just woke up puking. This is after my son spent all of yesterday puking. Ah, the pleasures of parenting.
Phaedra arranged to have the Minister of Tourism come with a dance academy to entertain everyone. It looks like a combination of Zumba and pole dancing.
Kenya starts dirty dancing with Peter. Kenya is all over everything with a penis. I really did not need to see Walter’s erect penis. Thanks, Bravo.
Hey, I just noticed that Kenya has the skin disease where she has lost her pigmentation in some spots. Kenya is also flirting AGAIN with some other guy. Kenya is pathetic.
Peter stirs the pot by bringing up Apollo picking up Kenya and jumping in the pool with her. Kenya takes a poll wanting to know if Phaedra gave her husband a “gift” of two of the women, who would she choose. WTF Kenya?