REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA RECAP: Season Five, Episode Five… “No Excuses For Excuses”

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA RECAP  

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Season Five, Episode Five… “No Excuses For Excuses”

by Sandi Duffy

I am really not enjoying this season.  I’ve heard this is Kim’s last episode, so maybe there’s some hope.  Although, for reasons completely unknown to me, Bravo is giving her her own show.  Who the hell is going to watch that train wreck? An entire hour of Kim complaining and cursing. Sounds like fun to me.

Ugh!  This episode opens with Kim and her daughters…and Kim is bitching about the temperature.  YOU LIVE IN ATLANTA!  IT’S F-CKING HOT IN ATLANTA!  MOVE TO GNOME, ALASKA IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE HEAT!  Kim says she’d rather live in a box than live with her mother.  Kim should really say she would rather sleep with rich men who buy her homes than live with her mother.

Phaedra and Apollo are double dating with Kenya and her “boyfriend” Walter.   Phaedra knows Walter from doing legal work for his organization.  Kenya shamelessly flirts with Apollo.  Phaedra has no storyline, so she is playing up her “exercise video”.  I think this video is going to be like Sonja Morgan’s “toaster oven”.  I just can’t help using those quotation marks.

Everyone drives around in go carts.  Kenya is racing, Phaedra is taking a Sunday drive and Walter is bitching.  Walter is kind of cracking me up.

Cynthia and her controlling, arrogant, gold-digging husband are having drinks.  Cynthia is really a beautiful woman.  She may not be the sharpest knife in the drawers, but she is gorgeous.  Nene and Greg show up.  I like Greg.  Greg and little Ayden are the only two people I like on this show.

Cynthia says she is confident that her and Peter will grow old together.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Peter wants to have a vow renewal…after two years of marriage.  In my best Phaedra voice, “Everyone knows that whenever a housewife renews her vows, she is going to get divorced.”

Porsha is at the gyno to have her uterus checked out because she lost a pregnancy six months earlier and is nothing sacred when it comes to these housewives?  Do any of us want to be privy to this?  Porsha is so stupid she wants to have twins because she wants four kids, but doesn’t want to be pregnant 4 times.  What a friggin’ moron.

Kandi is looking really good this season.  Kandi is meeting Cynthia for lunch and wants everyone to go on a couples trip to Anguilla.  I had to look Anguilla up on a map.  Kandi says her man has to work, but the truth is that Kandi’s man doesn’t want to be around all the ladies because he doesn’t like the drama.  I am now officially adding Kandi’s man to my very short list of people I like on this show.  Kandi brings up that it will be weird having Kim and Nene on the trip.

Porsha is having Cynthia and Nene to her home to talk about her charity.  I know Porsha is dumb, but she seems to be at least nice…and really into charity work.  I love when she states that a year is 265 days.  I love Nene’s reaction to it even more.  Cynthia and Nene agree to do a PSA for her charity.

Porsha then brings up Kenya.  This should be a good conversation.  Cynthia and Porsha share notes on Kenya’s behavior at their respective events.  Cynthia says what we are all thinking.  Miss America, Miss USA–who the hell cares?

Kandi and Phaedra go shopping together.  Kandi gives Phaedra “Kegel balls” and if you didn’t watch to get the explanation, too bad.  I’m not going there.

Cynthia and Peter have scheduled the entire Anguilla trip around dates  Kim and Kroy gave.  We all know that Kim doesn’t go because we’ve read the interviews and seen the footage.

Kim is claustrophobic in her 5000 square foot home.  Kim is an entitled bitch.

We are now at the much unanticipated meet up of all the ladies planning their trip to Anguilla. First, though, we have to deal with “F–k-gate” between Phaedra and Cynthia.  Phaedra gives Cynthia flowers and apologizes to Cynthia right away.  Wow, two Atlanta housewives acting like ladies and not blowing this out of proportion.  Somewhere out there, there are pigs with wings.

Kandi invited Kenya to come on the trip.  Um, it wasn’t Kandi’s trip to invite Kenya.  It’s Cynthia’s.  Oh hell, I can’t even do that with a straight face.  It’s Bravo’s trip and we all know it.  I’m just wondering how they’re going to work Porsha into the trip.

Kim, her wig and her belly show up last.

Kenya asks Cynthia if she’s invited.  Cynthia doesn’t answer, so Kenya invited herself.  Everyone is fine with the dates that were chosen around Kim’s schedule, and then Kim has a million excuses why she can’t go.  Kim’s due dates are more confusing than Phaedra’s.

Nene calls Kim out on her chronic excuses.  Everyone else jumps in and Kim can’t handle being called out on all her lies.  She takes off her microphone and walks out.

It looks like we find out next week how Porsha gets invited on the mandated Bravo trip.