REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA RECAP: Season Five, Episode Four… “Unmoved”… AND Preview of Next Week’s RHOA…


Season Five, Episode Four… “Unmoved”

by Sandi Duffy

If Atlanta doesn’t step things up, this may be my last recap.  This show is boring me to tears and I’m really finding these women unlikable…and oh hell, we are starting with Kim, who I can’t stand.  All she does is whine, complain, curse and act entitled.  I never saw anyone who did so little behave like they are so entitled.  Then she’s yelling at Sweetie that it takes a lot to look like “this.”  “This” looks about 15 years older than she claims to be.

Kandi called it when she says she is confused by this eviction that Kim claims is not an eviction.  That’s right, Kandi. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Kandi is moving into her new home and this is a painfully boring storyline.  If Kandi starts whining and acting all entitled, I’m out.

Back to Kim harassing her movers.  Why the hell can’t Kim pack her own crap?  Oh right, because she’s a lazy bitch.

We are back to Kandi, who isn’t cursing and acting all entitled, and I feel like I’m watching that scene in The Godfather where Al Pacino is standing as Godfather to his nephew and telling the priest he rejects Satan, while the next scene shows him having all his enemies taken out.

Nene calls a spade a spade.  Kim couldn’t afford the damn house, just admit it.

Next we have Phaedra, her hot husband and her little boy, Ayden.  I can’t get enough of that little cutie, who is going for his first haircut.  If it’s going to be anything like my son’s first haircut, Ayden will scream and cry through the whole ordeal.  Ayden is about to turn two, which means only one thing.  One of Phaedra’s over-the-top parties.  She claims Apollo is a “master barber”.  What the hell is the difference between a barber and a master barber?  OK, Phaedra, Apollo is an ex-con, not a master barber; not a master personal trainer.  OMG, this little boy is so cute, I could eat him up.

Porsha rehashes the Kenya feud with her husband and neither one of them, much like the rest of us, can figure out the whole Miss USA vs. Miss America thing.  It’s kind of hilarious how they have no clue which she won and what the difference is.  Porsha keeps calling her an “older lady”, and as an “older lady” I should resent it, but I find it funny.  So far, Porsha seems just dumb enough to be entertaining.

Kenya take her aunt to meet her “boyfriend” Walter.  I put “boyfriend” in quotes, much the same way I put “psychic” in quotes because I don’t believe either are real.

Kenya’s cousin seems much more interesting than Kenya.  Why isn’t Che on the show?

Poor Walter is being grilled about marriage.  I think I like Walter.  I also think Kenya gets more unattractive in each episode.

Oh hells bells, Dwight and his Michael Jackson nose are back.  In typical over-the-top Phaedra fashion, she holds Ayden’s second birthday party at the Atlanta aquarium with a freakin’ marching band, and a full size Thomas the Train.  To paraphrase Lisa Vanderpump, whatever happened to cake, ice cream and pin the tail on the donkey?   I know I said it before, but that little Ayden is so freakin’ adorable.  I think he’s my favorite housewife child.

Kim rudely calls the day of the party, while the party is taking place, to say she’s not coming.  I hate when people don’t RSVP, or do it at the last minute.  How much does it take to make a damn phone call.  Every year, I never cease to be surprised by the number of people who don’t RSVP to my kids’ birthday parties.  What is wrong with people?

Ayden’s party comes complete with some really weird dolphin show.  I like dolphin’s as much as the next person, but that show was creepy, and all Ayden wants to do is go to sleep.

Back to Kim and packing.  At this point, I’m ready to throw my shoe at the television.  Kandi TTCs that Kim is a Falcon football player’s wife and she needed to move quietly and not embarrass him by making it all so public.  Kroy seems so clueless about what a  horror he married.  I bet his mother isn’t clueless though.  I bet that poor woman cries herself to sleep every night.

I forgot about Cynthia.   Her and Nene are sitting in a park, I assume to gossip, or to hear Nene talk about how great Nene is.  Nene cracks me up when she imitates Kim and her ridiculous excuses and goes on that the house is haunted and that’s why she’s moving out.  Nene made me laugh at that one.

Nene gets a hold of a recording of Phaedra talking about Cynthia.  I guess Phaedra at some point made a deal about how she doesn’t curse and she’s caught using the f-bomb.  Because Cynthia desperately needs a storyline that doesn’t include being Nene’s bitch, she’s going to call Phaedra out on this.

Porsha and her sister go rock climbing and her sister doesn’t seem nearly as dumb as she is.  I say we get rid of Porsha and Kenya and cast Porsha’s sister and Kenya’s cousin.

Kenya is “making dinner” by throwing frozen food in the microwave and making her pots and pans look dirty like she’s really been cooking.  Kenya goes on and on lying to Walter about how much time it took to make the meal.  Um, Kenya you pulled the crap out of the bags and put it in the microwave in front of the cameras.  Did you think you weren’t going to get caught?

Kenya talks about being pregnant, having kids, ovulating.  Why hasn’t this guy run for his life yet?

Phaedra and Cynthia have a sit down.  These housewives have more sit downs than the Mafia.

Phaedra denies saying she doesn’t give a f—k if Cyhtnia comes to Ayden’s party.  Phaedra is totally lying because she was recorded.  Phaedra should be a politician.  Deny, deny, deny.  Deflect, deflect, deflect.  Phaedra may very well become the next governor of Georgia.

Back to Kim moving back into her townhouse, the one gifted to her by her married boyfriend.

I’m done with her and her whining and her potty mouth.

Preview of next week’s RHOA…