July 10, 2012  5:00 pm… This RECAP was lost… until November 4, 2012!!  

In celebration of the Real Housewives of Atlanta taking over Sunday nights from the seemingly never-ending Real Housewives of New Jersey… a photo recap and a final good-bye… for now… to the RHONJ!

                       “I’m so thankful that Bravo is payin’ for my face to be gettin’ makeup on it.  It gets so tiring tryin’ to explain to kids that I didn’t crawl outta the subway…”

                      “You saw your Aunt Melissa WITHOUT makeup?!  The kid’s gonna need to see that therapy guy, Tree…”

                      Tree:  “Our kid has been shown flashcards of Melissa with no makeup on and she goes into earthquake-like spasms… the doctor suggests at least another six months of intensive therapy.  Wot are we gonna do, Joe?  Joe?  Huh, Joe??”  

                         “Tree!  Do not bother me wit all dat psycho bullsh*t!  Ya just tell dat doctor to stop wit da flash cards! Now go git dat kid outta wherever she is… and git her back here.  ‘Cause if I haveta pick her up, doz flashcards will be stuffed where dat doctor won’t like…”

                        “I never wear makeup… I’m a natural beauty, all natural!  My fambly tells me dat every day… before I give them their $647-a-day allowance and I make dem der bacon, eggs, homemade Eyetalian bread, ham and freshly-made-in-my-own-kitchen Eyetalian sausage for breakfast…”

                “What did you just say to dat camera guy?  You’re givin’ out money?? Youz  been givin’ ME eight breakfasts every day… but, youz never gave ME no allowance!  SEE!  Youz DO like doz boyz better…”

                         “Are you ready yet??  You’re only goin’ to the mailbox…”

               “Shuddup Joe!  If Bravo is gonna pay for a makeup guy, I’m gonna get my makeup on to open da front door!  Anywayz, ya never know who could be at da front door… maybe even onea doz SoulDiggaz could be at da door, ready to shoot me to stardom!”

                        Thank You, Jesus; sign of the cross; kisses to the sky.  On Display, on display, on display….

                   “Where did you hear that song??  Some guy wanted me to buy it for $376,589.  That price was waaaay to much!  You didn’t BUY it, did you?  Did you, Melissa???

                   “OH-MY-GAWD!!  She’s STILL tryin’ to sing dat song!  I can still hear her!  I’m taking onea dez tubes and makin’ earplugs…”

             “WOAH!  Hey, Kath… did ya hear dat?   Tree said dat she already heard dat song dat Melissa keeps singin’…

                      “On Display is MY song!  I wrote it and I’m singin’ it… and I bought I’m gonna be auto-tuning singin’ three more songs for the show!  If I couldn’t sing, I wouldn’t have a story line be able to breathe!”

                  “Why would we have to BUY songs, when my wife is totally natural?  She has natural beauty and she’s a natural singer; she’s all natural… and she WROTE all her own songs.  She’s another LindaThompson… a natural ‘lyricist’!!”

                 Kathy: “UH… Jax.  Are you there, Jax??”  Jax:  “OH!  I was just thinkin’ how I’m gonna put all this in a 140 character tweet!  Wasn’t LindaThompson married to DavidFoster and he gave her writing credit on a couple of songs so she would have that money rollin’ in for life?  Didn’t LindaThompson just change some words around in a song for “TheBodyguard” and, ’cause she did that, she calls herself a world-renowned lyricist?”   

                            “I can only communicate with people using twitter, Kath.  So, If I’m writing tweets all day, don’t that make me a tweetacist?  OR… if I SING my tweets does that make me a socialistic lyricist?  ‘Cause I’d give up tryin’ to sell all that acne cream crap if I could make money from singin’ my tweets…”

                 Melisa:  “OMG!! You’re JLo’s ex… Chris Judd!!”  Judd:  “And whom might YOU be??  I mean, really… am I supposed to know who you are?  ‘Cause I got no clue…”

                            “I told you to put your arm up like this… not behind your head.   Oh, this is gonna be hell…”

                   “Hey, MOM!!  Look wot I just dragged in to your house… it’s my phony baloney girlfriend dat I just met last night!  And we’re here to feast on yer every-Sunday-big-blow-out Eye-talian Sunday Dinner dat you make EVERY Sunday!”

                “Yeah, it’s great bein’ a part of da “MissAndy Gay Agenda” team at Bravo!  Let’s drink to dat!!  My mother hasn’t made a huge Sunday dinner like this for years!!  Salute!”

                      “But, I’m NOT gay!!  Some chick named ‘Cat’ told me to go along with all this and it would be a BIG boost to my acting career… and that some Andy guy would have me on his clubhouse talk show.  Don’t mean to be rude, but these plates are very dusty…”

                     “See, Rosie… even non-gays like youz!   And remember… I liked youz even when yer sister, Kathy, hated youz!”

                 “You’re REALLY takin’ a gurl… to a party?  A gurl??  And, she’s gonna meet your mother???!!!  Like WOW…”

              “Careful now, Ma!  It’s just PrinceAlbie’s GURLFRIEND… the one that you’ve never heard of before this.  It’s just her HAND… so, just try to be nice to her HAND right now.  You’ll meet the rest later…”

                “OMG… did you see what Caro did to that gurlz HAND?!””

                          “It was a real mess, Missy… but it was just her HAND dat Mom mangled!  Ya gotta brace yerself and be strong!  Keep lookin’ at and believin’ in dat “LiveStrong” yellow band yer still wearin’…”

              “Melissa found out that her “LiveStrong” $.05 cent yellow band don’t work no more!  Melissa just found out that Lance Armstrong ain’t a winnin’ biker… and you know dat Melissa only goes wit winners!”

                   “How many times have you been told by a shrink dat you should spend some time in a psych ward?”   Jax: “I WON!!!”  

                    “Who can wake up Joe Gorga wit da bestest ever kisses???  BigGayGreggy wins!!!”   “But, datz not fair… BigGayGreggy ALWAYS wins!

                    “Did the rest of youz meet yer boyfriend’s mother… or did she only get to meet your HAND?

                          “MissAndy likes Gia better?  My Precious … I mean my LapbandLauren has banded dieted herself down to a sample size, so there better be a ModelChallenge… a rigged one in da Clubhouse, just like dat MeatballChallenge was rigged on RachaelRay!  Da Manzoids will crush Gia… at least in the WWHL poll.  FEBUS!!!”

                   “Mom said dat we haz to make LapbandLauren feel better about gettin’ down to dat sample size.  Lauren can now model for ‘plus+plus+plus’ size catalogs!!”

                    “OH!  That was so ingenious of you to celebrate Lapband’s weight loss with a CAKE!  I woulda done the same thing, but I’m tryin’ to change my image from SexyStripperPoleVegasChick to MotherlyAutismExpert… lotsa people are fallin’ for it!!”

           “Lapband wouldn’t stop eatin’ da cake…. let’s see if she’ll still eat the mess on yer face!! Watch out… she just spotted da cake…”

                      “Go scratch, Gorga!  Now git the hell outta my way!   CAKE!!!”

As TinaFey said… these New Jersey people are sub-human!