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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY PHOTO RECAP… The Final Good-Bye to the RHONJ… For Now!!

July 10, 2012  5:00 pm… This RECAP was lost… until November 4, 2012!!  

In celebration of the Real Housewives of Atlanta taking over Sunday nights from the seemingly never-ending Real Housewives of New Jersey… a photo recap and a final good-bye… for now… to the RHONJ!

                       “I’m so thankful that Bravo is payin’ for my face to be gettin’ makeup on it.  It gets so tiring tryin’ to explain to kids that I didn’t crawl outta the subway…”

                      “You saw your Aunt Melissa WITHOUT makeup?!  The kid’s gonna need to see that therapy guy, Tree…”

                      Tree:  “Our kid has been shown flashcards of Melissa with no makeup on and she goes into earthquake-like spasms… the doctor suggests at least another six months of intensive therapy.  Wot are we gonna do, Joe?  Joe?  Huh, Joe??”  

                         “Tree!  Do not bother me wit all dat psycho bullsh*t!  Ya just tell dat doctor to stop wit da flash cards! Now go git dat kid outta wherever she is… and git her back here.  ‘Cause if I haveta pick her up, doz flashcards will be stuffed where dat doctor won’t like…”

                        “I never wear makeup… I’m a natural beauty, all natural!  My fambly tells me dat every day… before I give them their $647-a-day allowance and I make dem der bacon, eggs, homemade Eyetalian bread, ham and freshly-made-in-my-own-kitchen Eyetalian sausage for breakfast…”

                “What did you just say to dat camera guy?  You’re givin’ out money?? Youz  been givin’ ME eight breakfasts every day… but, youz never gave ME no allowance!  SEE!  Youz DO like doz boyz better…”

                         “Are you ready yet??  You’re only goin’ to the mailbox…”

               “Shuddup Joe!  If Bravo is gonna pay for a makeup guy, I’m gonna get my makeup on to open da front door!  Anywayz, ya never know who could be at da front door… maybe even onea doz SoulDiggaz could be at da door, ready to shoot me to stardom!”

                        Thank You, Jesus; sign of the cross; kisses to the sky.  On Display, on display, on display….

                   “Where did you hear that song??  Some guy wanted me to buy it for $376,589.  That price was waaaay to much!  You didn’t BUY it, did you?  Did you, Melissa???

                   “OH-MY-GAWD!!  She’s STILL tryin’ to sing dat song!  I can still hear her!  I’m taking onea dez tubes and makin’ earplugs…”

             “WOAH!  Hey, Kath… did ya hear dat?   Tree said dat she already heard dat song dat Melissa keeps singin’…

                      “On Display is MY song!  I wrote it and I’m singin’ it… and I bought I’m gonna be auto-tuning singin’ three more songs for the show!  If I couldn’t sing, I wouldn’t have a story line be able to breathe!”

                  “Why would we have to BUY songs, when my wife is totally natural?  She has natural beauty and she’s a natural singer; she’s all natural… and she WROTE all her own songs.  She’s another LindaThompson… a natural ‘lyricist’!!”

                 Kathy: “UH… Jax.  Are you there, Jax??”  Jax:  “OH!  I was just thinkin’ how I’m gonna put all this in a 140 character tweet!  Wasn’t LindaThompson married to DavidFoster and he gave her writing credit on a couple of songs so she would have that money rollin’ in for life?  Didn’t LindaThompson just change some words around in a song for “TheBodyguard” and, ’cause she did that, she calls herself a world-renowned lyricist?”   

                            “I can only communicate with people using twitter, Kath.  So, If I’m writing tweets all day, don’t that make me a tweetacist?  OR… if I SING my tweets does that make me a socialistic lyricist?  ‘Cause I’d give up tryin’ to sell all that acne cream crap if I could make money from singin’ my tweets…”

                 Melisa:  “OMG!! You’re JLo’s ex… Chris Judd!!”  Judd:  “And whom might YOU be??  I mean, really… am I supposed to know who you are?  ‘Cause I got no clue…”

                            “I told you to put your arm up like this… not behind your head.   Oh, this is gonna be hell…”

                   “Hey, MOM!!  Look wot I just dragged in to your house… it’s my phony baloney girlfriend dat I just met last night!  And we’re here to feast on yer every-Sunday-big-blow-out Eye-talian Sunday Dinner dat you make EVERY Sunday!”

                “Yeah, it’s great bein’ a part of da “MissAndy Gay Agenda” team at Bravo!  Let’s drink to dat!!  My mother hasn’t made a huge Sunday dinner like this for years!!  Salute!”

                      “But, I’m NOT gay!!  Some chick named ‘Cat’ told me to go along with all this and it would be a BIG boost to my acting career… and that some Andy guy would have me on his clubhouse talk show.  Don’t mean to be rude, but these plates are very dusty…”

                     “See, Rosie… even non-gays like youz!   And remember… I liked youz even when yer sister, Kathy, hated youz!”

                 “You’re REALLY takin’ a gurl… to a party?  A gurl??  And, she’s gonna meet your mother???!!!  Like WOW…”

              “Careful now, Ma!  It’s just PrinceAlbie’s GURLFRIEND… the one that you’ve never heard of before this.  It’s just her HAND… so, just try to be nice to her HAND right now.  You’ll meet the rest later…”

                “OMG… did you see what Caro did to that gurlz HAND?!””

                          “It was a real mess, Missy… but it was just her HAND dat Mom mangled!  Ya gotta brace yerself and be strong!  Keep lookin’ at and believin’ in dat “LiveStrong” yellow band yer still wearin’…”

              “Melissa found out that her “LiveStrong” $.05 cent yellow band don’t work no more!  Melissa just found out that Lance Armstrong ain’t a winnin’ biker… and you know dat Melissa only goes wit winners!”

                   “How many times have you been told by a shrink dat you should spend some time in a psych ward?”   Jax: “I WON!!!”  

                    “Who can wake up Joe Gorga wit da bestest ever kisses???  BigGayGreggy wins!!!”   “But, datz not fair… BigGayGreggy ALWAYS wins!

                    “Did the rest of youz meet yer boyfriend’s mother… or did she only get to meet your HAND?

                          “MissAndy likes Gia better?  My Precious … I mean my LapbandLauren has banded dieted herself down to a sample size, so there better be a ModelChallenge… a rigged one in da Clubhouse, just like dat MeatballChallenge was rigged on RachaelRay!  Da Manzoids will crush Gia… at least in the WWHL poll.  FEBUS!!!”

                   “Mom said dat we haz to make LapbandLauren feel better about gettin’ down to dat sample size.  Lauren can now model for ‘plus+plus+plus’ size catalogs!!”

                    “OH!  That was so ingenious of you to celebrate Lapband’s weight loss with a CAKE!  I woulda done the same thing, but I’m tryin’ to change my image from SexyStripperPoleVegasChick to MotherlyAutismExpert… lotsa people are fallin’ for it!!”

           “Lapband wouldn’t stop eatin’ da cake…. let’s see if she’ll still eat the mess on yer face!! Watch out… she just spotted da cake…”

                      “Go scratch, Gorga!  Now git the hell outta my way!   CAKE!!!”

As TinaFey said… these New Jersey people are sub-human!

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46 comments on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY PHOTO RECAP… The Final Good-Bye to the RHONJ… For Now!!

  1. You gotta love it!!!!! Stoopidhousewives.com has turned the human trainwreck called The Real Housewives of New Jersey into a comedy….Ya gotta love this site!!!!!!!

  2. For the entire duration of the show, I have only seen Jack-a-loon (love that name BTW) squeeze out two expressions, maybe 2.5 (and that’s a stretch). I think she developed a new expression this past season! Huzzah for personal growth!

  3. I’m grateful that cake wasn’t carrot. Wasting a perfectly good carrot cake is unacceptable to me. :)

  4. I love that Tina Fey clip! Did anyone else notice that, when Brian asks, “You’re a fan of Andy Cohen?” she neither confirms nor denies? I notice she hasn’t been on WWHL in a verrry long time, although I did stop watching it about a month ago so I could be wrong.

    • surley you jest. it’s the show is a train wreck.
      and katfish is still insignificant.
      cousin it, and her dinner date was too funny.

        • True. I know Carowhine’s problems are just based on envy & unhappiness, I mean it really shows, but with Jax. I think Chris L. needs to do something , maybe try to get her to stop (or slow down) with the ummm, all the glass lifting… If you know what I mean. C’s problems are funny. J’s problems can be but sometimes , not so much.

  5. This was great and I loved it! I’m a BIG 30-Rock fan….one of my favorite shows. I would love to see an episode of 30-Rock with Teresa Giudice in it. No kidding, I watch 30-Rock all the time.
    One day when I was watching an episode…I had this idea of a script–in my head–of what an episode with Tree would be like. I was picturing Jenna being all excited–with her usual Jenna-like lines, Liz (Tina) mortified at the mere thought of it, Jack (Alec) pretending he had absolutely no clue about any of the rhonj…while they flash to a scene of Jack weeping over JoGo causing Teresa to cry at Kathy’s failed pool party. Kenneth would be thinking “Now which one is this” as various housewives flashed through his mind. Pete would be fantasizing about Tree in his head and Tracy would be confused..yelling “what.. that Ho Melissa has got Nothing–on my girl NeNe!” In the end Liz (Tina) would be the soft-ey that her character really is..and she would actually really like Teresa. Honestly, I’m a little surprised that considering 30-Rock is on NBC ala Bravo that they haven’t already done an episode with Teresa.

  6. When the Bravo make-up artists leave does Jogo take over for them? As a contractor he knows how to spackle cracks right?

  7. You know that joke “what do you call a guy who graduated last in his class from medical school?- doctor” ? It pops into my head every time I see Lapband but especially when I see Carowhine. “What do you call a girl who graduated last in cosmetology school?” – owner of Caffarce. She graduated more than a year ago. Why are her and her mom still wearing D- faces? It seems really sad to me that Caroline has TWO licensed cosmetologists in the family and she still hasn’t found a flattering look. I guess the inside ugly just overpowers the outside appearance. I guess she didn’t listen when she was told to stop scowling like that or her face would freeze that way. Oh wait, frozen face, that must be Jac-no-spine.

    • That’s what I was just thinking about looking at that picture of Caroline. I wonder if she’s noticed how much time she spends angry or crying over the last season or so?? If anyone is feeling that unhappy with their life , why not just try to fix what’s wrong? If it’s Big Al & he’s making friends he shouldn’t (outside the marriage) either confront him or leave. If it’s something her kids did, they’re adults , confront them… Who knows maybe it’s the whole I don’t have anyone to control now that the kids are grown thing? Feeling useless or powerless comes from following a role someone else set up for you. She needs to take charge of her life & figure out what’s wrong. Otherwise the same stress & unhappiness you see on her face this season will be there next season. It’s funny to watch but I can’t imagine it’s a fun way to live, she looks so unhappy. ?

      • Last time I vividly remember Caro looking sorta happy was in sea. 1 OR 2. It was a kitchen scene where she was talking about how her kids were grown and didn’t need her so much. This was back when I liked her. Albert comes in and she talks to him about retiring. Not gonna happen says Al. Caro gets kittenish (eww, I know) and says he can at least slow down. Nope again. By this point I’m feeling embarrassed for her. She keeps playing coy with Al in an attempt to get him to say on camera that he wants to spend their golden years together. Instead, Al says that Empty Nest Syndrome was her problem. Not his. Get a hobby. Think that was the last time I saw a not bitter Caro. Thought Al was a meany then and I felt sorry for Caro. Since then, however, I’ve come to understand WHY Albert said what he did. But I faintly remember a Caro with a twinkle in her eye, before the hobby she picked up became controlling the world around her and being a grade A bitch. Her appearance has gone down hill from there. Before her boys got completely out of her grasp she had industrial strength apron strings attached, ensuring they could be reeled in at will. Controlling them became her ” hobby”. Having Al tell the world that he would rather spend time at the Brownstone than her when she was trying to prove how popular she was with her family and friends made the fake happy face she tried to wear harder to keep up. The true Caro with the ugly inside and the frowning outside was revealed. The ugly inside has been winning ever since.

        • Yes, it’s a good thing she told us she has the perfect fambily. I never would have guessed otherwise. :D

  8. That made me laugh…Ms. SH you are the best. I wonder what they will come back looking like. I hope that’s not Lauren today because she is FAT. We I’m going to watch Atlanta tonight and BH tomorrow. Looking forward to both of them.

    • No Lauren tweeted a picture of herself taken during their Hurricane “party” and she is still Thin.

  9. That scene with JoGo and getting a body shot from Greggy is about as gay as it gets. JoGo, please just come out of the closet already. That could be his storyline for next season.

  10. I’m having a hard time reconciling the picture of Don Caro in the fugly neon peasant top with the shrieking bitch who insulted Teresa for wearing the green dress at the reunion. Chuckie looks like Juan Valdez on a bad acid trip. Don Caro the person who encouraged you to wear that top does not like you and is not your friend. You can dress better than this catastrophe of fashion. If BGG picked this hideousness out slap him once for me and beat the crap out of him for you.

  11. My ode to NJ Season 4:

    So long, screw ‘ya,
    See you in St. Lou-ya!

    This whole season was one ugly (insert word of choice here).

  12. Our West Highland Terrier is pacing around me, softly whining and looking up @me with her head cocked – as I literally am LOL to this recap! Tx SH! :)

    In the BGGLB-hole/Gayga Pic, who is that to Melissa’s right? And Boy Howdy, is it me or does Chris Laurita look read to dive in on that action????

    PS: The dog was starting to relax until this>>>”…Chuckie looks like Juan Valdez on a bad acid trip…” OMGosh, LMAO! (3rd degree Coke Zero nostril burns–tx Aint P!….Also, love the 30 Rock episode idea)

  13. Having the RHONJ off the air is like getting rid of a nagging yeast infection…as long as they were around you just could not ignore it!

  14. Yeah, love the photo recaps . I’m gonna miss the head spinnin’ & the stressed out hate coming from you know who. I was re-watching the older seasons & if you watch Caro she does seem to be one of these people that’s been middle aged her whole life. You know , the type that has no idea how to have any real fun. I know it’s too much to ask for but I really wish Bravo would send Ms. Snooze herself – Mego, packing. & not for another trip to the beach.

  15. @maybeitsyou. Looks like she’s been middle aged her whole life. OMG that describes Caro exactly! ROFLMAO.

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