REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK RECAP
Season Five, Episode Twenty-One… “Lost Footage”
by Sandi Duffy
Tonight is “lost footage” from the Real Housewives of New York and I can only hope it’s more of St. Barths before Aviva showed up.
And oh hell, we get Aviva first shot out. Aviva is desperately trying to get the ladies to go to her fake charity. And we get the story of how Aviva lost her leg again. Everyone acts like it’s the first time Ramona finds this out, but you know she was told this before she ever filmed with Aviva. I mean it’s the woman’s whole identity. How could she not know?
Next we get Carole who acts like a downtown hipster…you know the kind who married a Kennedy relative, is a princess, and has enough money to buy Peru.
Sonja goes out on a date. She tells him he needs to get surgery to stop snoring and lose weight. The guy actually doesn’t leave.
At the reunion Carole is asked if she’d rather sleep with George or with Harry. HARRY! That’s my answer. I wouldn’t recognize Harry if I tripped over him, but nothing can be worse than Aviva’s disgusting father. This can be a new game. Elephant Man or George. ELEPHANT MAN! Rosie O’Donnell or George. ROSIE O’DONNELL!
Luann wants to make clothing and accessories for women. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! That’s as likely to happen as Luann having a baby with Jacques. All these idiots want to sell a “lifestyle brand.” I can sell a lifestyle brand–single suburban soccer mom–I could sell minivans, sweatpants, mom jeans, scrunchies.
I know I’m going to hell because Aviva is talking to Carole about her alcoholic mother and I’m rolling my eyes. I’m must so tired of Aviva and her drama and her problems and her anxieties, I have not one ounce of empathy in me for this woman.
We get Aviva’s line that her father didn’t steal or rape someone, so he shouldn’t have been thrown out of Ramona’s party. Heather tells Aviva he should not have been there and he should have left when Ramona asked him over and over again. Aviva claims she would never do that to any of their spouses or husbands… this is the same woman that demanded Carole throw Ramona and Sonja out of the St. Barths house.
Ramona used the expression “water over a duck’s ass” instead of “water over a duck’s back”. I like that. I think I’m going to steal it.
Sonja and Ramona meet with Sonja’s prospective business partner. How unemployed and desperate is this dude to want to partner with Sonja and her nonexistent toaster oven? This guy claims Donald Trump is his partner. Sonja Morgan/Donald Trump. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
I’m a widow, too, but I have no desire to read Carole’s book. I read an hilarious book called Manless in Montclair: How a Happily Married Woman Became a Widow Looking for Love in the Wilds of the Suburbs.
Ramona launches her Pinot Grigio.
We get a rare glimpse of Luann acting like a mom.
We watch Ramona trying to figure out what to pack for St. Barths with Sonja. That’s like my friend Lisa and I on the phone deciding what to pack for our trips. One year, Lisa had an entire suitcase that was just full of shoes–for four days in Vegas.
Heather tells Luann she is fun if she tones down the Countess crap.
Andy asks if Ramona took pleasure in Luann getting busted with Tomas. Ramona denies it. Well I sure as hell did. A little schadenfreude goes a long way.
Hell, I just checked the time and we are only half way through this. These lost footage episodes are so boring…there was a reason they didn’t make the first edit.
Sonja and Ramona are in St. Barths unpacking and driving the butler nuts. Sonja is trying to seduce the chef. I’m doing something wrong when I travel. There most help I have is a bellman, and that’s only sometimes.
Luann is speaking French to a freaking parrot. This is ridiculous.
Heather and Carole name drop all the people they knew, but don’t have pictures of…Heather–Beyonce, Puff and J-Lo; Carole–Carolyn Bessette Kennedy.
Aviva attempts to apologize to Ramona. Ramona is having none of it. Ramona calls her out on tweeting and blogging nasty stuff. Aviva is desperately trying to backpeddle now that the blogs and Bravo fans have turned on her.
We find out that Tomas came to New York. I wonder if he wore his eyeliner and pirate clothes.
We find out that Heather actually did break her nose in St. Barths.
Andy makes everyone go around and discuss their favorite and worst parts of the season. Ramona’s best is St. Barths and her worst is Aviva–I’m with you Ramona.
Aviva’s best is reaching out to people who wear prosthetics. Yeah, right. The best thing for Aviva is the paycheck that appears her and her husband desperately need.
Luann desperately claims the wort was having a falling out with Jacques over Tomas, but the best is how strong their relationship is now. Sure, Luann.