REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY RECAP
Season Four, Episode 21… Reunion Part 1
by Sandi Duffy
Much like the housewives, I had to pop a Xanax before recapping this reunion, but don’t worry folks, I have a legal prescription.
Before I start, though, I’d like to clarify a few things. I have been accused of being Team Teresa in my recaps. Nothing could be further from the truth. Since season one, I have found all of these women, including Saint Dina and Sociopath Danielle, to be vapid, ignorant, uneducated and just plain mean. In season one I described the women as the Fat One (Caroline), the Bitchy One (Dina), the Crazy One (Danielle), the Stupid One (Jacqueline) and The Ugly One (Teresa).
I find it disgusting that Teresa and Joe lived way beyond their means and tried to declare bankruptcy in order not to pay other hardworking people. And I rather enjoy poking fun of Teresa’s butchering of the English language. The only reason I may sometimes come off a little more on her side than the others on this show is because, while I have clearly stated my reasons for my dislike of her and her husband, I can’t figure out for the life of me why the others dislike her.
Unlike someone like me, who pays my bills, my taxes, doesn’t live beyond my means and expect other people to pay the price for it, and doesn’t lie about where my primary residence is so that I can hold a bogus government job, the rest of these women and their husbands are guilty of all the same things Teresa and her husband are. So why all the animosity? And why is everyone ganging up on her? They all live in glass houses.
Now that I have clarified this, let’s get to the reunion.
So the reunion is taking place at the Borgata in Atlantic City. I’m heading there on October 20 to see Rick Springfield with one of my BFFs and partner in crime, Lisa. She’s the Sonja to my Ramona. That’s right folks, there may be skinnydipping, naked spooning and too much booze. I hope Aviva isn’t going to be there to ruin our buzz.
Kathy has a new nose and had her lips done. Caroline still doesn’t look like she’s learned how to run a comb through her hair.
Melissa’s hair is lighter.
Jacqueline explains why she didn’t go to the reunion last year. I still really don’t know exactly why she didn’t go. Why was Jacqueline is such a bad state of mind? Why did she have a breakdown? I mean, seriously, the “set-up” had nothing to do with Jacqueline. Jacqueline also claims to have recordings and texts that prove Teresa set up Melissa, yet cannot produce them. Teresa accused Jacqueline of setting her up. Frankly, I think both these women are way too stupid to set anyone up. Duh! BRAVO set everyone up! I would give up my 403b retirement account to see the lighbulb finally switch on in these moron’s heads and have them all turn on Andy in the reunion. “Andy, you bastard, you destroyed our family, our friendships and set us all up at the Posche fashions show!” Now THAT would make great TV.
We get an Ashlee montage. Why would you send a troubled teen to Vegas? I’m a gown-ass middle-aged woman and I get into trouble in Vegas. I can’t imagine what kind of trouble a teen with no judgment can get into.
Jacqueline talks around her bankruptcy issues and instead of answering the questions, she talks about Teresa’s bankruptcy. I wish someone would bring up Albert Manzo’s lying about his primary residence and collecting government money for a fake job until Governor Christie found out.
The ladies all get into an argument over who’s tweeting what. Blah, blah, blah. I have a twitter account, but don’t really use it.
Next we have a Jacqueline montage about trying to get pregnant and then having her son, who has recently been diagnosed with autism. I hardly think Jacqueline is the appropriate spokesperson for autism. Caroline and Jacqueline sit on the couch sobbing about Nicholas. Melissa pretends to wipe tears from her eyes.
Caroline pulls the Christmas pageant dress line on Teresa. Teresa calls Caroline and old hag. Hahahahahahahaha! That’s funny.
Andy asks why Jacqueline decided to reveal her son had autism in a magazine. Jacqueline claims it was to bring awareness. Riiiiiigggghhhhtttt!
So far, I don’t think Kathy’s said a word. Methinks Kathy is too boring and won’t be back for a third season.
After a commercial break we see the ending of Jacqueline and Teresa’s friendship. I think I finally may have figured out why this friendship ended. It seems that Jacqueline is pissed that Teresa wasn’t supportive enough when she was trying to get a diagnosis for her son and instead tried to drag Jacqueline into her problems.
Andy reads emails about Caroline and Lauren that are all negative, calling them both bitter, shit-stirrers, bitchy, etc. Gotta love those viewers.
Ugh, Lauren comes out. She might look better on the outside, but she’s still ugly inside. Lauren blames her weight for being such a bitch all season. Lauren claims to work 3 hours a day. Yeah, and I have a bridge I’d like to sell in Brooklyn. Caroline claims to have been as tiny as Melissa when she was younger. Uh huh!
Teresa calls out Caroline that none of her kids have jobs. Then she calls out Caroline for having a tummy tuck and still being fat. Caroline brags that she’s had no botox or fillers and Teresa says she should get them. Caroline should really get her money back for her tummy tuck. Then Teresa tells Lauren that some people get the lapband and put the weight back on. Lauren goes after Teresa’s young children. Oh no she didn’t. Even I won’t go after underage children. Lauren and the Manzo kids are fair game. They are in their twenties and can make their own decision to be on the show, but how dare Lauren talk about Teresa’s young children…or anyone’s young children. Like I said, Lauren is still ugly on the inside.
Someone asks what Jacqueline has done to her face. I can tell you. Too much filler and botox. Jacqueline has no facial expressions. She looks like a mannequin.
Ugh! We are back to In Touch Magazine. I guess Teresa apologized to everyone in the magazine. Who reads that crap? Melissa accuses Teresa of having a weave. Teresa accuses Melissa of copying the glitter eye shadow she wore last year. Wow, these women are petty. Jacqueline yells at Teresa that this is the crap she would bother her with, while she was dealing with her son and not being supportive.
I am so sick of magazinegate. Teresa brings up a good point. These women can name every single magazine article about her. They want to be her. That is the first lucid thing I’ve ever heard Teresa say.
We finally get to Kathy. I forgot she was even there. This montage is soooooooo booooorrrrriiiiiinnnnng. I almost forgot how vile her husband is, though.
Kathy and Teresa get into an argument over whose husband is hotter, Richie or Juicy Joe. I just vomited in my mouth.
The househusband I really like is Paul Nassif, from RHOBH, and I hear he’s getting divorced. Hey, Paul, call me.
Oh not she didn’t. Kathy drags Teresa’s mother into everything and calls her a liar. Ok, old people and young kids should be off limits. Hey Kathy, want to pick on my 94-year-old grandma? THEN Kathy calls Teresa’s father a coward. Ok, I’m adding sick old people with heart problems to the list.
Pat, I mean Rosie, comes storming out from behind the stage.
That’s it for Part 1. Part 2 looks like another doozy. In the immortal words of Ramona Singer, this reunion is giving me diarrhea.