September 18, 2012 Bravo…
Carole Radziwill… “Carole RadziWON’T drink while at St. Barts, but needs medicinal shots as soon as she’s back in NYC!”
I have to make this short because it’s a holiday and even though I’m not Jewish I took the day off, went to my shrink, got my nails done with that new gel shellac polish — it lasts three weeks! — and bought a pair of shoes. I want to revisit some housewife rules. These are straight out of the Real Housewives Handbook that we received when we signed onto the show.
Some of the rules listed in the Housewives Handbook… easy!!
I want to begin with Housewife Rule #13: Desperate times call for dinner.
LuAnn and Ramona and Sonja
Real men cook. I’ve never seen so many male chefs in a kitchen so excited about searing a roast. I know there is a toaster oven joke here somewhere but I’m too tired to find it. Real women, on the other hand, drink. Duh. It’s Housewives.
Housewife Rule #86: When the conversation veers towards something you don’t want to discuss, call in reinforcements.
LuAnn executes this rule in the first scene like a pro. Jacques is at her side with red wine and kisses just as talk turns loud and St. Barth-y. This episode was about mixing and matching the housewives in a number of different combinations to, ideally, cleanse our minds and souls from the horror otherwise known as a tropical island paradise. Some combinations worked better than others.
But first, I’m obsessed with Sonja’s headband, if Olivia Newton John doesn’t ask for it back, I want it. I also want to split the atom. Who did split the atom anyway? In a mushroom cloud of clarity Sonja says what everyone else is thinking. I thought that was Ramona’s job.
Ramona says it takes time to get to know her. How much time does it take? One drink? Three? Six? It took me two. Two beers at our first lunch with Mario and I was already calling her Bunny.
Me and Heather
I wonder, if when you split the atom, you get a cherrybomb? Cherry bombs make me lovey. I love Jon, I love Vivs. I’m free with my love when the person is not in front of me, or sitting next to me on a stool. I lo-lur-luh. . .I choked on my love for Heather! I can’t say those three words back. I suffer from love avoidant disorder. Russ diagnosed it some time ago and watching myself in this scene I think he may have a second career in psychotherapy. As you can see I’d rather make out with Heather, and do, than affirm our love by saying it back.
Heather and I did not need to make up, but we wanted to kiss. And do shots. A lot of shots. Do you believe Aviva hasn’t done a shot? Not even at Vassar? I think more people should do shots. But not too many. And never when driving.
Boom Boom, Bam Bam, Runaway Bride. Jamaica Jamaica? Love, Rads, size matters if it’s small, look at my shoes, get out of my closet, brisssss. That sums up the night for me and Heather. At least from what I can remember. NOTE: Nice of PT Housewife to try and change history! Evan H dumped HER… PT was NOT a “runaway bride”!
Heather and LuAnn
Heather and LuAnn don’t make out or fall in love. They don’t even, for all that talk, have sushi that I can see. LuAnn does almost choke on an egg. Speaking of eggs, Jacketi Jac and LuAnn are giving their eggs to the International Monetary Fund or taking them to Israel. It’s not quite clear. What is clear is that LuAnn is running out of eggs, even as she is choking on one, and it’s time to get serious.
Heather invokes Rule #315 in this scene. For information on Rule #315, see below.
Me and Heather and Aviva
Housewife Rule #315: If the conversation is boring you, eat.
I hate the taste of water, and I’m not the only one. Winston Churchill once said of water, “It’s what rusts pipes.” And he was a Prime Minister.
Stephen Hawking… “Churchill’s dead… and WHY do you think he died? He didn’t know the advantages of drinking clear, fresh water!!”
NOTE: Stephen Hawking said of water, “If you don’t drink water you will DIE.” And he is a brainiac physicist!
I don’t like water but I do like pink cigarettes (so did Winston). And look, Vivi is back! Here’s my girl. The health obsessed fun kooky neurotic Aviva that I like. We bonded over my new smoking habit. In the next scene, I quit.
After getting to our table like three old ladies shuffling into an Upper East Side bingo hall, Heather and I shovel food in our mouths like a perfectly choreographed ballet. When we realize there is no talking about anything but the trip, we eat. We eat and eat and eat. I don’t recognize Aviva at this dinner. I can’t tell if she reminds me of Clint Eastwood in Escape from Alcatraz, Dale Harding the high-strung paranoid in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, or Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. Either way, I would not want to be the target to her assassin. The girls got aim.
Sonja and Me
Rules #549 and #7, respectively: Do NOT try to recap a fight within 48 hours of the fight. And, call Peyman back.
Sonja and I regroup in Peyman’s office. Oh my God, can you believe this? In a town of 8 million people what are the chances of running into a guy you went on one date with and then never called? Apparently the chances are good. Better than fitting six Housewives into a $40 million dollar house. And seriously, if Peyman is 31 then I’m 12.
Sonja and I have fun drinking prosecco, until I have the nerve to try to talk. She’s having none of that. I am apparently not allowed to remember the trip. Or if I do I can only remember it one way — the best time of my life until Aviva arrives. I am not allowed to not say Aviva. Aviva Aviva Aviva. At least it’s an nice name to repeat. If only I’d had food while she talked over me, again, about Aviva –- because then I could have followed Housewife Rule #315 (When the conversation is boring you, eat). I do have prosecco, though. (Thank god.)
I am also not allowed to talk about my hostessing skills because people get their periods on vacations, glasses get broken, and Peyman is waiting to take our bust measurements.
Ramona and Sonja
Ramona is a good friend. But on another note — who is that making tea? Where is Millsaps? And does anyone know the New York City health code regarding number of pets and people allowed per bed? I think in the Morgan townhouse, there might be violations.
Sonja and Aviva
I actually love you, said Aviva. Wow. I couldn’t even say that to Heather! But uh-oh, whenever someone says warm and fuzzies it never ends well. Sonja apologizes, Aviva does not, and Sonja is pissed. Sonja was one person before the trip, a different person after, but Aviva was too. I was one person before the trip then two people after the trip. One smoked and drank, and the other did the usual things.
I wrote an apology.
“I’m not asking you to forgive me. I’ll never understand or forgive myself. . .There’s one thing that I do know and that is that I love you, Sonja. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you.”
Okay, fine, so it’s Rhett Butler. But its my favorite movie apology of all time.
It’s never a good sign when a woman arrives with a black hat, then takes it off and puts it back on again before the pizza even arrives. That didn’t go well. What was taking the pizza so long, anyway? Aviva owns her behavior and Sonja has a laundry basket full of problems. You can own your hat and your laundry, but you can’t own your friends.
Two more shows, 12 cherry bombs and three hat pins to go. See you next week.
P.S. I love New York. There, I said it.
As always, you can buy What Remains here. Contact me on my website here.
Follow me on Twitter here, Facebook here, Pinterest here. And follow my sister (@teresadifalco). NOTE: WHY would anyone “follow” Carole’s sister?
I don’t think the shots have worn off here. Or this blog was over my head.
So is PT gonna go over there and kick carols ass for being a pothead and drunk?
Ya know whatcarole, you annoy me. you have it so easy on the show no one takes shots at you, so you play it cool by being wishy washy and liking everybody. It must be easy for you since everyone kisses your ass. Tthe thing that grated on me most, you announced to the world that PT was a runaway bride, and you were impressed by it!!!!!!! I want to punch you so that your top lip will eventually cover your buck teeth. PT WAS DUMPED, she has more egg on her face than all the HWs combined.
Carol is pompous and it is getting old.
Yup.
More annoying than clever. She really cannot take a stand. She’s too old to still be so gutless.
She just doesn’t want to get into a shouting match and make a fool of herself.
I wonder how she’d behave if she was between a rock and a hard place, and her reputation was attacked, or Luann spewed filth into her face day in and day out……….
Yeah, that’s fine but it doesn’t make for compelling teevee viewing. She’s trying to pull a Bethany and, in my opinion, it’s just not working. She’s not smart, fast or aggressive enough.
She doesn’t need to be, cuz Andy got her back
Carol,
Your wrong and your crazy is showing. Now I know EXACTLY why you are a HW fit. No body with any sense whatsoever could possibly come down on PT’s side in this thing. So now we all know that an absolute lunatic you are, it will make your being on RHNY perfectly understandable.
Love,
Made
MP, I do not really think she likes Aviva, she may be a bit of a wimp, but I would venture to guess, if not part of the show, she would have nothing to do with Aviva. Aviva aligning herself with Rush Limbaugh alone is enough to keep Carole away.
Plus, I like her. Everyone has faults, and I could live with all hers. I think she is funny. She is a bit different then what we have seen, and I like that too.
I think she is funny too. I suspect she is just appearing to align with PT just to give us sumpin to scratch out heads about.
True, but she has PTs back on the show, annoying
Why is she doing that?????? Frustrating.
Perhaps they are kindred spirits. Maybe this open relationship with Russ is no more Carol’s choice than PT’s being dumped at the alter in Jamaica. Perhaps Carole is a bit of a novelty hump n dump too. The Princess and the Pegleg.
PT sure is dipping a toe(teehee) to test the waters of how much Carol will put up with from her… the cigarette lecture. Carole should have shut her down right then and there but she KNEW that PT would come off looking like an irritating lecturing buffoon that no one takes seriously. Carol totally led her by the nose right into that trap.
We can see how her concern for Carole was so much mor genuine that her concern for poor sahnja……right?
yeah right. It had nothing to do with the health of either of them. I think if they both dropped dead, PT would not bat an eye….unless the camera was on her and then she would bat away.
She just wanted to ride her high horse.
I like carol on the show too. Although her lip is annoying to watch week after week, and the fact it always looks like shes chewing on something, It is nice to see someone a little bit normal on the show. Im actually beginning to like heather too, shockingly. She does seem to have a backbone and wants to call people out on their outrageous behavior. BUT she doesnt do it with malicious intent, im noticing. It seems like heather does it to bring peace and to just, well, stop the madness.
can we all sign this??
Lo-lur-luh, Cherry
Love, love this! Lol
Whatever Carol is doing, I can’t for one nansecond believe she takes herslf seriously on RHONY. This just seems like a lark for her to do and she’s witty and intelligent enought to pull off the kooky peacemaker role.
Yup, she stands on her radziwill perch quietly judging everyone.
she doesn’t take the women seriously, but you better believe she takes the exposure for book sales seriously.
I agree with you chile. Carole has no need to role in the mud. She can rely on her own accomplishments which are many, 10 years as an award winning news producer and best selling author. With or without the Radziwill title, Carole is a winner, and I must admit, she is refreshing as a HW. It is enjoyable watching the friendship between Carole and Heather blossom!
On the brighter side, Carole did manage to get through an entire episode with only one vague reference to her tragic past experience at St Barths. Also the reason she couldn’t spit out love is because she was smashed, but nice try at her pretentious fake ‘I suffer from love avoidant disorder’.
Not liking you so much anymore Carole.
I’m ovah her. Pretentious, fake clever-clever, I’m above the fray and under the radar crap. I think she’s a goof.
She took the day off, BFD, she has every day off.
skid: But, Carole DOES work! She’s very hard at work on that “widow” book which will be released in conjunction with the finale of the RHONY. Why do you think she’s on the show!? TFC!!! SH
“I don’t recognize Aviva at this dinner. I can’t tell if she reminds me of Clint Eastwood in Escape from Alcatraz, Dale Harding the high-strung paranoid in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, or Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. Either way”
It was the same Bit** that arrived on the Island. I’m very familar with her at his point.
Carole was definitely in her usual mellow/high state of mind. What?
Her blogs always sound as though she’s either trying too hard to be esoteric or she’s dropping schrooms
Probably the latter. Does she ever go back and read what she wrote before hits send?
Obviously not
She resorts to gimmicky literary devices. Not so clever, really.
She smokes pink cigarettes.. Oh my. I grew up in the 70′s ( yeah, I’m 49 years old) and I recall my parents and my friend’s parents having bowls of different colored ciggies on the cocktail tables, just in case ya wanna smoke LOL. Pink, yellow, blue, green… we used to steal them and party like 16 year old rock stars hehehe.
Awww I like carol. Those buck teeth are endearing. But WTF? She loves pt? Tooooo many shots. Does she ever eat? And who the heck is Jon?
I’m kind of new to this website. Can someone tell me what PT stands for in reference to Aviva?
I was new as well. This site is the bomb.com lol. Viva paper towels .
Thanks — lol. I had something else in mind for “PT,” but it didn’t quite make sense for her. Yes, this site is major fun.
I like Carole, too. I don’t think she gives two sh*ts about coming back next year or if people (including viewers like me) like her or not. And for all of this jawing about her blog being esoteric, gimmicky, above it all, etc. I freely admit I enjoy reading it. If only because a) I am fairly certain that she actually writes it, b) there are no gross violations of spelling, punctuation or grammar and c) it is witty. By any standards, but certainly when compared to the other HWs. So there, let me have it.
I like Carole, as well. I agree, she is not heavily invested in this show. She is there for the experience and to have some fun and possibly to promote her new book. Good for her!
Frankly, I appreciate how Carole is able to avoid rolling in the mud, as so many HW’s do. I don’t believe that Carole is heavily invested in getting “air time” by creating drama. Let’s face it, all of the drama on NJ, does not make the show fun to watch, nor does it make the show interesting. At least, not to this viewer.
As for Carole’s blogs. I really enjoy them and look forward to reading them each week. Yes, she is witty and her blogs are well written. I think that she writes them to illustrate the absurdity of all that goes on. She is usually right on the money. Frankly, I do not think she gives a hoot, about who LuLu sleeps with, who gets wasted drunk or who ran from whom at the alter. I mean, does it really matter?
Oh, yes, and I love BoHo Chic and I always have. I love women, like Carole, who are not afraid to dance to their own drummer!
I like Carole, but I do think she could speak up more and be more relevant at times, although I guess I can’t fault her for not always wanting confrontation. I think it is funny that the newbies made a pact of sorts in the beginning to be up front with each other, but now they just let Aviva rant and don’t say anything until their interviews. I bet Aviva thought they were her best buds, until she now sees that Carole and Heather are the ones bonding and in truth they were irritated by her and just too hungry to argue, lol.
I agree
I agree. I think that both Carole and Heather realize that arguing with Aviva, is a fruitless endeavor! It is so obvious that Aviva is clueless about her extreme negative affect on others. A big showdown with Aviva does nothing but create more drama!