REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK Recap
Season Five Episode Thirteen… “Pirate Booty”
by Sandi Duffy
I am actually kind of excited tonight for the St. Barth’s episode of Real Housewives of New York. I know I’m going to be disappointed, but I can’t help being an eternal optimist. So here goes…………
Aviva is conspicuously missing from the plane ride. Carole, being the UnAviva, doesn’t want to bring attention to the fact that she doesn’t like small planes, so just throws on a set of headphones. Then she ruins my warm and fuzzies for her when she TTCs that small planes remind her of when her friends “John and Carolyn” died in small plane crash. Hmmmmmm………….I have no idea who she is talking about.
Heather tells Luann that Turks and Caicos is her vacation spot. Whatever. Vegas is my vacation spot, so there.
Ramona gets the master suite because no one wants to see her throw a hissy fit if she doesn’t get it. Ramona’s BFF, Sonja is sharing it with her.
I am distracted by how absolutely unattractive Heather looks with her sunglasses on.
I’m also trying to figure out why Carole is wearing white Nancy Sinatra boots.
Heather walks right into a glass door and possibly breaks her nose. That’s kind of funny. It’s totally something I would do. OK, so it’s totally something I’ve done.
THERE’S A WINE VENDING MACHINE AT THE HOUSE!!!!!!!! It’s like a dream come true for me…and Ramona.
Oh damn, we are back to photoshootgate and Sonja’s stupid toaster oven. STOP. I was actually enjoying this episode. Luann is the smartest one in the room and gets up and walks out. Ramona and Carole follow. Yet we, the viewers, are stuck listening to this stupid conversation.
Thankfully, Carole’s boyfriend shows up, so hopefully it’s the end of the conversation. Her boyfriend is kind of cute and I have always had a thing for musicians.
I can’t make any sense out of what Ramona says to Carole’s boyfriend’ Russ. If he were my boyfriend, I’d do something about the hair. Hello….1976 called and wants its hair back. It’s still not as bad as Aviva’s hair, though.
Luann, again, is the one who gets everyone out of the room so Russ and Carole can be alone.
I’m starting to think the good stuff isn’t happening until Crazy-ass Aviva shows up.
The next morning Ramona shows up in bathing suit I think she borrowed from Melissa Gorga.
Ramona has her panties in a bunch because it’s a girls trip and Russ showed up. Carole puts her in her place when she says that she is always around the women and their husbands.
Did Carole really date George Clooney, like Sonja said? Can anyone confirm this? Girlfriend gets around.
The ladies go out to a bar and meet Johnny Depp, not really, but this guy is a dead ringer for Johnny Depp 10 years ago.
Johnny Depp gets the women to all participate in some sort of S&M Burlesque-type show.
The next morning the ladies are all really hung over and I’m thinking this girls trip to St. Barth’s is not all that different from my girls trips to Vegas.
Heather tells Carole that Luann came into the room with a man. Everyone knows Luann is actually a big whore, so this shouldn’t surprise anyone.
Just when everything was fun and games, Aviva skypes the ladies. Aviva is going to take a bottle of xanax, put her big girl panties on and get on a plane to join the ladies. But she has to bring her husband with her. Damn, Aviva annoys the crap out of me.
Ramona and Heather are both discussing that they heard Luann come in and a man’s voice with her. How did they know that the man’s voice wasn’t actually Luann?
Ramona and Sonja have their panties in a bunch because Aviva is bringing Reed. I agree with them this time. Carole having Russ come by is totally different than Aviva bringing her husband. Russ isn’t staying with them and she hardly ever sees him. Aviva is up her husband’s ass every single day. Aviva is pathetic.
The ladies give Luann a hard time about the man’s voice they heard. Luann lies through her teeth that she brought home a bunch of Italians. Riiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhttttttttttttttttt.
Heather knows Luann was with Johnny Depp. Luann gets on the phone to get someone to cover for her. Yet the phone call is recorded on camera. And I finally realize that Johnny Depp’s real name is Toma, not Thomas. I can’t blame Luann. I’d cheat on David Schwimmer with Johnny Depp, too, although I’m not really into dudes who wear eyeliner.
Next week, Aviva brings the crazy.