August 7, 2012 10:40 am
We’ve come so far, we’ve seen so much! This week marks the halfway point of the season so let’s recap.
Since our first episode, “A New New York,” we’ve learned some things.
The ladies toast to everything.
I like to wear capes.
My boyfriend Russ is cool.
My boyfriend Russ writes me songs.
Heather is Jewish by injection.
Sonja likes handymen.
I like my boozy brunch.
Aviva likes things on the ground.
Millsaps can fix anything.
My downstairs neighbor is Tripp.
Tripp knows how I like coffee.
Heather talks a lot.
Ramona talks a lot.
Ramona wasn’t invited to London.
LuAnn’s mother gave birth to seven kids.
LuAnn gave birth to two kids and a book.
I only gave birth to two books.
I am better than everyone at croquet.
Aviva has the same leg bag as Eric Clapton.
Aviva has three legs, or maybe four. NOTE: Hope Aviva don’t see this! Carole forgot to mention that Aviva is super sensitive!!!
I learned how to tweet.
I almost married Tom Cruise.
We talk about friends when they’re not there.
I invite everyone to the party.
Heather has an assistant.
I am looking for an assistant.
I am looking for between one and three interns.
My sister, Teresa, has morning meals.
Aviva’s dad has lots of sex.
Aviva’s mother-in-law does not have sex on Sundays.
Heather doesn’t flinch when she’s waxed.
Heather wears and sells shapewear.
Ramona drinks and sells Pinot.
Ramona knows a lot about wine.
Ramona knows nothing about real estate.
Mario is bottling his calming scent.
LuAnn is taller than Sonja.
Sonja knows her crumb trays.
Cara Quici’s booty pops.
Don’t forget the notepads.
Vanity, Pride and Prejudice
Harry is back! Woo-Hoo! And everyone at our Le Cirque table has slept with him, including Jacques and the blonde sommelier.
Dinner was a little. . .awkward. Wasn’t it? And I’m not just talking about my hair. Mario and Jacques played “Yes you did, No I didn’t” and LuAnn. . .well, LuAnn is not an Aborigine.
Sigh. The term “Indian” is a pejorative term, here and in Canada, too. I have Indian friends. Ranjana and Naeem are Indians, they’re from India. Luann’s just messing with me, right? She has to be. Columbus thought he landed in India and called the people he saw Indians. He didn’t and they’re not. They’re Native Americans. It’s not complicated.
It seems to me that LuAnn calls attention to her background not out of pride but out of vanity. Pride is about your opinion of yourself. Vanity is how you would like others to see you. In this case LuAnn wants people to think she is exotic, so she refers to her background without knowing much about it. We have a shameful past with Native Americans in this country — we nearly annihilated the native population and have a long history of negative stereotypes and discrimination toward them. Call me crazy, but I think jokes about scalping and rape and pillage are inappropriate.
No one uses “darling” anymore but I can because I am an Indian? WHAAAAAT?!?
The Trick of the Ramona Pinot. . .
This sounds like the title of a Nancy Drew mystery. I’ve decided I want a husband. I want a husband to fight my battles. I’m on Team Mario.
Things got a little uncomfortable at dinner and when that happens, Housewife Rule #28 comes into play: Go to the bathroom. We do it all the time but you usually miss them. You’ve missed a lot of bathrooms.
Speaking of Bathrooms, Holy Poopy the Pig, it’s Harry Dubin! The man of rebounds and bubble baths and, apparently, quite powerful charm. It must be very potent charm because to see him is. . .well. All I’ll say about Harry is his son Harrison is one of the sweetest kids I’ve ever met.
Brokeback Mountain Out of a Molehill. . .I Can’t Quit You!
TOW (The Oven War) ignites! And Big Guns is Back! Do you think he has a sexy “J”? Who buys toaster ovens, anyway? I think Big Guns is right. I’d buy one with the naked guy on it and keep it in the box.
What other meeting earlier? Once again, they didn’t bring notepads. If everyone would just bring their notepads, no one would be confused. No wonder it was a waste of time.
I like the term Lunch Friend, I want more Lunch Friends and fewer clients. Sonja is not a client, she is a friend. Poor Heather. No good deed goes unpunished and Heather is being punished — maybe for not inviting Ramona to London.
Two set ups, two photo shoots, but no one on the set? Sonja’s not a good negotiator, she’s bankrupt. Her lousy ex-husband Mr. Morgan took all the cash and the yacht. Did you see Heather tacitly agree with Big Guns about the closed set? Good luck with that one. Lunch or no lunch, friends like a photoshoot. That’s all I’ll say about that.
I Need Splenda and Milk
Tripp is the best neighbor. And guess what? I hired an intern! He’s the first of my one to three. His name is Eric. I met him on the sidewalk one night — he recognized me from the show. He is a social media genius and he puts two Splendas in my coffee. Now if anyone wants to contact me they must do it through Eric. I’m like Heather in Episode 2, I’m having my intern book my play dates.
Jingle Bells. . .
This party was nuts. All I have to say is: I Love my dress! Naeem and Ranjana gave it to me for the party and then let me keep it. I’m holding the fifth.
What’s in store for the rest of our season? I’ve been watching the Olympics and I learned a new term: Outside Smoke. They use it in swimming to describe a swimmer who leads or wins from an outside lane. I know what’s coming up and I promise you there is a lot of Outside Smoke.
I’m also hoping that these important questions get answered:
#10: Did Sonja fix her drip patterns?
#9: Did Noel pass French and Math?
#8: Will Sonja ever produce a toaster oven with a crumb tray?
#7: Will we get to taste a mac and cheese truffle?
#6: When do I get to walk first into the room?
#5: Is “egg drop” a real expression, I couldn’t find it anywhere.
#4: What else can you do with a bidet?
#3: Are there any documented cases of women accidentally birthing books and not babies?
#2: Will Aviva find her swimming leg?
And the #1 question inquiring minds want to know:
Will Sonja ever get her sexy J?