REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK RECAP
Season Five Episode Nine… “Dirty ‘Ol Dad”
by Sandi Duffy
The episode opens with a really boring scene of Carole on the phone with her sister-in-law/editor. We learn it’s taken her four years to write this book. What the hell is she writing, War and Peace?
Then Carole calls Aviva to find out what the weather is like in Miami. I guess she’s never heard of the Weather Channel. She used to work for NBC news, couldn’t she just call Al Roker directly?
When Sonja and Carole arrive in Miami, Carole tells her they are going to her jewelry designer friend’s house to do “ face yoga”. I’ve been doing yoga for 20 years and never heard of face yoga. She says her friend does it all the time and looks great. I’m sure, restylane, botox and a face lift have had nothing to do with it.
“I been doin’ face yoga for 30 years… I do my yoga under anesthesia…”
All the ladies arrive at face yoga lady’s house (I can’t even attempt to spell her name). Ramona calls where the woman lives an up-and-coming neighborhood. Yeah, that’s what her penthouse with the amazing views is–re-gentrified.
Aviva is having an anxiety attack about being at the rooftop pool. Then she claims she doesn’t like to bring attention to her prosthtetic leg. I’ve counted her mentioning it 200 times this season.
The jewelry woman shows everyone the face yoga exercises and Ramona TTCs what I’m thinking. This is ridiculous.
Carole and Aviva look anorexic in their bikinis. Ramona obsesses over Aviva’s fake leg getting wet. It’s really weird.
Ramona and Sonja are the guests from hell. Sonja broke the shower handle in Aviva’s condo. They are late getting ready for dinner. They leave their hostess, Aviva out of their reindeer games. And Sonja walks around in a towel in front of Mario and Reed.
Carole comes over for dinner and then Aviva’s perverted dad shows up. Carole needs to thank her maker Aviva chose to fix him up with Sonja and not her. You dodged a bullet, Carole.
I thought last night’s episode of RHONJ made me lose my dinner, but watching an 80-year-old man simulate cunninglingus with his tongue hit an all-time Bravo low (ha, spell check is telling me I spelled cunninglingus wrong; I guess that word isn‘t in Microsoft word‘s dictionary).
Sonja seems to actually be into Aviva’s dad. So….Sonja has slept with Aviva’s ex-husband , Harry and probably will sleep with Aviva’s father. Ramona gets all bent out of shape because there is talk of Harry. I would understand if it made Aviva uncomfortable, but why the hell does Ramona have her panties in a bunch.? Aviva’s husband looks mortified.
THEN Ramona goes into Aviva’s kitchen insisting to the staff that they go right to entrees and vegetable. Ramona is the rudest houseguest I have ever met in my life.
Aviva tells everyone that her father cheated on his 35-year-old girlfriend with a 22-year-old. I don’t think that was necessarily appropriate dinner conversation and Ramona states that he was married for along time to Aviva’s mother and wasn’t ready for a real relationship and then admonishes Aviva for bringing it up. While I kind of agree with Ramona’s take on the situation, it wasn’t her place to say anything.
The next day everyone goes to the beach and when Aviva takes her cover-up off, her father states, “Wow!” I can only hope that is Bravo editing, but I’m not so sure. Then her dad tells Sonja she has a great ass and that he could make her come five times. This guy is disgusting. Is he vying for his own Bravo show? Sonja shoots him down, so then he tells Ramona she has a great ass. He already used that line on someone else, Ramona. I don’t know why the shit coming out of Aviva’s father’s mouth is supposed to be cute and funny because he’s 80, but if it came out of the mouth of a man half his age, he’d get, deservedly, slapped across the face.
We also learn that no only does Aviva have a flat shoe leg and a high heel leg, but she also has a swim leg. That’s what happens when you are rich and lose our leg. I really don’t think Aviva’s experience is the same as everyone else who has lost a limb. I don’t think veterans from the war in Afghanistan have a spare “swim limb”.
I kind of forgot Heather existed until her and her husband showed up in a completely unrelated scene. I think Heather was once a man. It’s just a theory.
It’s everyone’s last night in Miami and apparently Aviva’s dad took his Viagra because he pokes Sonja with his erection. I think the man is one step away from being a rapist. He can’t take no for an answer.
Carole is back in New York and shopping with Luann. I hope this means we are done with Aviva’s father because I think I’ve had all I can take of that man. Carole claims she wanted to stay in Miami longer, but had to come back to “work”. We all know Carole doesn’t really work. Taking four years to write one book is not working. I mean unless you’re J.D. Salinger. Carole confronts Luann about Luann asking to borrow a dress from Carole’s designer friend. Luann talks around it and acts like she didn’t do anything wrong. I can’t stand Luann, so I’m totally team Carole on this one.
Shit, we are back to Miami and Aviva’s dad. Aviva asks Sonja how to handle Ramona when she gets overbearing.
Sonja gives her good advice on how to handle the Ramonster. So far, Aviva has asked for help from Carole and Sonja on handling Ramona. Aviva is a grown ass woman and she can’t handle this herself.
Is Ramona going to be added to Aviva’s long list of fears: heights, elevators, flying, end of days and Ramona.