REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK RECAP
Season Five, Episode Six… “Blinded By Wine”
by Sandi Duffy
This epidose opens with Ramona, Sonja and Carole at lunch. Carole tells them about Luann’s one-upping habit. Note to Luann: Carole is a princess and you are only a countess. Carole wins.
Aviva and her overbite join them at lunch. Why douldn’t Aviv get her teeth fixed. She has tons of money. NOTE: It looks like Aviva had some dental work done!
Aviva invites Ramona, Mario and Sonja to her home in Miami. Carole is also heading down there to visit some friends. Aviva wants to set Sonja up with someone. Then she drops her first bomb–he’s a sex addict. The second bomb is even better–he’s Aviva’s father. When my friends start wanting to fix me up with their father’s it’s time to pack it in.
Next we see Heather at the Yummie Tummie office. I never heard of Yummie Tummie. I’ve heard of Spanx. I love Spanx. Spanx is a woman’s best friend. Spanx makes me look like I actually took those last 10 pounds off after having my kids.
Heather is helping Sonja with her “brand”. I have a headache from my eyes rolling so far back in my head. Sonja brings a toaster oven. I guess it’s her prototype for the toaster oven she’s developing. I really don’t know anyone who even has a toaster oven. It seems to be all about the slow cooker nowadays. I love my slow cookers. I have two. When I had a Superbowl party I borrowed two more and made everything in the slow cookers.
So the guy who is supposed to be helping Heather help Sonja has no idea who Sonja is and has never been to her website. Sonja is pissed he doesn’t get her “sexy J” in Sonja. I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating. Nothing is sadder than an aging party girl.
Oh cripes! It’s David Schwimmer with an annoying French accent next doing a wine tasting for the ladies. I love that Carole doesn’t even pretend to know what the hell is going on when tasting the wine. I guess when you are a princess and related to the Kennedy’s you don’t have to put on airs.
I think everyone, including me, expected Ramona to have to clue, but she really knew her stuff. The joke is on Schwimmer and Luann. They tried to set her up by serving her her own wine, but it totally backfired. It almost makes me want to try the Ramona Pinot Grigio.
Aviva and her husband are in their apartment in Miami. Aviva isn’t afraid down there, but doesn’t love being out on her balcony looking down. I hope this woman is seeing a good psychiatrist because she is a total mess. So far she’s afraid of flying, elevators, heights, and the “end of days”. We meet her father, the sex addict and all I can say if anyone ever tried to fix me up with a guy like him, I would no longer be calling that person my friend. First, he tells his daughter that if she weren’t his daughter he’d hit on her. Then he insults where Aviva’s mother-in-law lives. Even stranger, it appears that her mother-in-law has the hots for Aviva’s dad. Dude gives me the creeps. There is way too much sex talk between Aviva’s dad and mother-in-law.
Aviva and her husband are getting ready for the arrival of Ramona and Mario. Aviva describes Ramona has high maintenance. That’s the understatement of the century. There are huge pictures of Aviva, her husband and kids hanging all over the walls in their home. I find that bizarre.
Heather and Luann meet for coffee, but stop to get their eyebrows waxed. Isn’t threading the in thing now? I can’t believe Bravo didn’t edit out this segment. Who the hell wants to watch women get their eyebrows waxed? Isn’t that the business that chick who looked like Chrissy Hynde last season was in?
Heather has her panties in a bunch that she wasn’t invited to Miami. Then there’s a whole tall/short conversation going on and I think I’m watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta–only less yelling and more passive aggressive.
Watching Aviva and Ramona get ready to go out with so much input from their husbands cracked me up. What do they call men like that, metrosexuals? Honestly, I could have thrown on a garbage bag and flip flops and my husband would never have noticed.
We get a glimpse of Carole visiting with her jewelry designer friend in Miami. Carole describes Luann as having a big pumpkin head. I have to say that her huge head had gotten past me. I now need to look closer. Luann asked Carole’s dress designer friend to loan her a dress. Luann needs to read her own etiquette book. Carole calls her a friend jumper. I like that. I may have to steal it from her.
Aviva and the gang go to a fancy steak house in Miami and Aviva orders a $25 hot dog. WTF?! We also learn that she’s afraid of tap water. So let’s count it up: flying, heights, elevators, end of days, tap water. You know what I’m afraid of? Snakes. End of list. I have an Indiana Jones fear of snakes. I can’t go into the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo, I’m so freaked out by them.
Mario kills me imitating Jacques. He says he sounds like Pepe Lepew. He’s right. Thank you for that, Mario.
Aviva’s $25 hot dog arrives. It looks like a giant penis.