REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY RECAP

Season Four Episode Thirteen… “Sit Down and Man Up”    

by Sandi Duffy

On WWHL last week, Andy Cohen had Lorraine Bracco play “Marry, F–k, Kill”.  He gave her the choices of Ray Liotta, Robert DeNiro, and Joe Pesci.  That was easy for me–Marry Ray Liotta, F–k Robert DeNiro, kill  Joe Pesci.

Now if I were playing that game and given the choice of Joe Guidice, Joe Gorga, and Richie Walkile, my answer would be “become a lesbian.”  And I don’t mean a RHOOC’s hot Fernanda lesbian.  I mean Kathy Walkile’s asexual sister, Rosie lesbian.  Is it me or does Rosie remind all of you of an old SNL character, Pat?

But I digress.  Time for the RHONJ recap.  This episode is the lead up to the NAPA trip, which meants this episode is a boring as watching paint dry.

We open with Teresa and Joe in a car, talking about Fabellini, her low calorie Bellini drink.

At the Gorga residence, Melissa’s “producer” shows up. There is talk about finding a record deal for Melissa.  I am trying really hard not to laugh too loudly because I don’t want to wake up my children.  They are all acting like it’s by their choice, Joe, Melissa and Soul Diggaz, to stay “independent”.  Gee, Tommy Motolla isn’t interested in cutting Melissa a deal.

Caroline and Lauren happen upon an empty building for rent that once housed the salon Chateau where season one kind of centered.  What a coinkydink!

Joe Guidice proceeds to tell Teresa that she “sucks at driving” and parked crooked and I’m waiting for Teresa to say, “Well, asshole, if you hadn’t gone and lost your license, you could do all the f-ing driving.”  Alas, those words never come out of her mouth.

Teresa and Joe are mixing Bellini’s.  Teresa seems more concerned with the color of the drink than the taste.  The people at the winery appear unimpressed with Joe Guidice.

Melissa is all blah, blah, blah,  a lot of work goes into being your own label.  Being her own label.  What a bunch of crappola.  Her photo shoot is ridiculous and pathetic, on the same level as Alexis from RHOOC.  It’s  hilarious that Melissa thinks she is the hottest thing around and I think she looks like Eddie Munster in drag.

Teresa is making an appearance at a bakery and the line is huge.  She had a book signing up by me and I heard it was a madhouse.

Caroline is such a bitch that she claims Teresa put too many demands on Joe.  Then she predicts divorce for them.

I predict that all Caroline’s kids are going to become pathetic jobless losers that  she and Al are going to have to support for the rest of their lives.

Jacqueline is “mentoring” Lauren with her new endeavor.  Jacqueline is exactly the roll model and mentor I’d want for my daughter.   I mean it’s not like she’s batshit crazy and hit’s the bottle way too hard or anything.

Richie and Kathy show up at Teresa’s signing to start trouble.

As Teresa shows Kathy the recipes in her cookbook, Kathy comments that one of them is her mom’s recipe.  Then Teresa tells Kathy that no one would buy just a dessert cookbook.  Wow, these women are passive aggressive.

RHONJ Goin’ to Napa Preview

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Kathy sets up a tent somewhere in New Jersey to sell/sample her desserts.  Her desserts look really good, but as a consumer, I wouldn’t be looking to sample her food under a tent in NJ.  I don’t know how clean her kitchen is.

There’s no health inspector that checked out her house or if she washes her hands.  I wonder how many desserts Lauren will eat.  Lauren TTCs that every time she eats something in public she feels like people are looking at her.  They are, but only because she has made such a deal about it.

Teresa thinks Kathy stole her dessert recipes; Kathy thinks Teresa stole HER mother’s dessert recipes.  This is ridiculous.  Who the hell cares?!

Jacqueline talks about Teresa to the friend that Teresa brought.  Jacqueline is a bitch.

Holy shit, Kathy’s tent is right by a cemetery.  That’s hilarious!

All the husbands have a meeting about the big Napa trip.  Teresa and her brother are sharing an RV together.  This is after the therapist clearly told them not to ride in an RV together.  I feel that therapist throwing a shoe at the TV right now…or maybe a beer bottle.

I’m not sure it’s the husbands who should be having this meeting.  I can only hope that they all go to Napa and kill each other, and then the show is over or at the very least, has to be completely recast for next season.

Joe Gorga and Richie Walkile are the 2 biggest gossipy old ladies on the show.  Joe Guidice  comes out with the fact that his wife doesn’t get along with any of the other wives.

 Joe Gorga….

As inarticulate as he is, he sticks up for his wife and isn’t taking anyone talking about Teresa.  Chris claims that Jacqueline lost it when Teresa talked to Danielle.  Give me a break.  Teresa made one Twitter exchange with Danielle, finding out her bitch of a sister-in-law was feeding Danielle inside information in Season Two.

Caroline claims she doesn’t want to go to Napa.  I have a suggestion.  Don’t go.  Oh, but then what will her three dysfunctional kids do without mommy’s coattails to ride.

As Chris is going over the trip, Joe Guidice is playing with his phone.  Then Joe reminds his brother-in-law that he can’t split the RV driving with him because he had his license taken away.

  The next New Jersey Housewife… Flambetto Shirelle Costantino-Trombetto

Then the two of them get into one of those arguments that I swear is in another language because I can’t make heads or tails over what the hell they are arguing about.

 “Screw youz guyz… ain’t nuthin’ wrong wit my wife.  If I gotta do this for her, then I’ll do it… but back off!”

Richie gets into the fray.  Chris Laurita has his head in his hands and looks like a defeated man.  He TTCs that he is worried there will be fighting and drama on the trip.  I’ve got news for Chris.  I’d bet my own children there will be drama and fighting on the trip