REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY RECAP
Season Four Episode Twelve… ”The Jersey Side Step” by Sandi Duffy
This episode opens up with Melissa and Gia getting ready for Beatstock. Melissa makes the understatement of the century…stating that she’s not the best singer in the world.
Kathy is making desserts and trying to sell them to some gelato shop in her old neighborhood. Did I miss something? When did this happen? This show is just becoming a big huge commercial for all their crappy products and talents, although in all fairness, Kathy’s desserts look really good.
The Laurita’s/Manzo’s are showing off their BLK marketing booth for the Fancy Foods show in DC, where Al is premiering the Brownstone sauce. When did the Brownstone market sauce? I live in NJ. I’ve never seen it. I’ve been to events at the Brownstone (and the food was good). I’m not sure Caroline being the model for the sauce is the best idea. Even Albie makes fun of her. I’m sure he paid the price for that later.
Melissa and Joe are at their shore house. Why do all Melissa’s bathing suits look like stripper costumes? And who wears 5 inch heels with their bathing suit, outside of a beauty pageant.
Chris Laurita, Albie, Chris, Greggy and some other dudes I don’t recognize all road trip in a BLK van to DC. Oh wait, it’s Chris’s best friend and cousin added to the BLK crew. Has anyone seen BLK water in any stores? I haven’t.
Watching Chris and Greggy take the “Shane” challenge at some burger place, where they have to eat 2 double cheeseburgers with a fried egg and scrapple and two pound of fries is making me sick.
I just threw up in my mouth watching Joe Gorga kiss Melissa’s feet. I would rather reach down my throat and remove my own kidney than ever see that again. Hell, I’d rather see Kathy and Richie make out again than see that.
The way they talk about how much they love each other and how much sex they have and how perfect their marriage is makes me think exactly the opposite. Their divorce is as inevitable as Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise.
The boys arrive in DC and start drinking Vodka at the Russia Bar after Chris gives them a speech about not drinking too much.
Albie TTCs that he is not interested in having a girlfriend because he is so busy with “work”…and because he is already dating his mommy. Ok, he didn’t say that part, that was all me.
Chris goes to the bathroom to puke. And we get to listen to it. Because that’s a sound we all want to hear.
Milania announces to the viewing public that “Daddy sleeps in his own room.” Interesting.
Gia announces that Melissa will probably lipsynch at Beatstock. Gia is no dummy. Melissa has a stylist and make-up artist. Melissa should fire them both.
Gia imitating Melissa singing is hilarious. And for the record, Gia is much better.
At the Fancy Food show, Patti LaBelle is there. How the hell can Albie not know who Patti LaBelle is? That’s just friggin’ ignorant. The woman is an icon. Greggy pushes that gross BLK water on her.
Part of me is thrilled to see Patti LaBelle because I love her, but part of me is upset because what the hell is she doing on this show? She doesn’t need this for publicity. She’s Patti friggin’ LaBelle.
Back to Beatstock. I know why they call it Beatstock…because it’s beat.
We get to see more Chris Judd, who is kind of looking like he ate the Chris Judd who married J-Lo.
First we get to see Gia as a backup dancer.
Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for…………NOT. Melissa lipsynching her song. She even sucks at lipsynching. You can totally tell she’s not singing live. I’m wondering if Beatstock is like Ozzfest or Lollapalooza, where there’s a main stage where the real acts perform and then a second stage where people no one cares about perform because if that’s the case guess where I’m betting Melissa performed?
Albie says, again, he would pick BLK over his girlfriend. Yes, I’d pick being sued over getting laid, too.
I’ve come to the conclusion that Melissa needs to grow some bangs to cover her five-head.
Melissa and Teresa talk about their upcoming trip to Napa. I’m sure that’s going to go real well. Even if Bravo were paying for my trip, I wouldn’t go away with people I don’t get along with. It’s not worth the free vacation, Teresa!
Al Manzo is the only smart one in the group. He refuses to go to the pre-Napa vacation meeting that Chris is holding with all the men. I also loved Al’s comment last year in Punt Cana when he said, “Hell without you people would be a better vacation.” Or something to that effect.
Preview of next week’s Real Housewives of New Jersey…