July 4, 2012 3:15 pm
Thanks for building my parents somewhere to live, Joe… you’re too good to me!
Your parents?? I’m buildin’ this for a place to smoke my giant hams and sausages… your parents can keep stayin’ in da basement!
So, are you gonna let your own parents keep sleepin’ next to the furnace, Tree?
It’s good for dem! They like to keep warm…
Uh, so why are we here? Anyone know? We got two houses to sell… and I got my singin’ career to get off the ground. We can’t waste our time hangin’ out witchu people like we used to!
UHHHHH…. wow… uh…
I can take dis one, Kath! Here’s why: ’cause MissAndy told me to film wit as many of youz as I can…. and whatever he says you all know dat you gotta do it… includin’ makin’ ME da breakout star of New Jersey!
I thought I was the breakout star of New Jersey!
YOU? Da “breakout STAR”?
Well, yeah! Why can’t I be the “breakout star”???
Do youz remember da first time I decked you, Jack-q-lin? Don’t make me move from this chair…
So Ma… what yer tellin’ me is that YOU are NOT my mother?
Daz right, Rosie! Your Aunt Ricotta gave you to me in exchange for socks…. good wool socks. TWO pair!
Whatter you lookin’ so sad about red shirt?
I got YOU from Grandma St. Elmo de Parma… she gimme $17.46 to take YOU, red shirt! Dat was alotta money back den! We lived-a like-a kings… for two days!
You know dat I gotta go see some guy about your uncle… and I can’t take you.
OK. So, why are you even tellin’ me?
Dey just needed some extra footage for da show. Don’t ask so many questions, Gia! Besides, you’ll thank me for all this when you’re older…
So, ain’t Twitter great?? Howz your twitter thing goin’, Colonel?? You remember…your twitter account where I set you up to make you a big advice guy?
Yeah… THAT didn’t pan out like you thought it would. No one asked Colonel Grippe any questions… they all just made fun of my last name: TrippyGrippe… SippyGrippe… LippyGrippe… DippyGrippe… FlippyGrippe… GimmeGrippe… ZippyGrippe… CreepyGrippe…HippieGrippe… What the hell are you doin’ on twatter anyway?
It’s a great way to stay personal wit alla my fans! AND… I gotta get rid of all that acne cream that’s crammed into your old guest bedroom. Sorry for makin’ you and Mom sleep in CJ’s room under his aquarium… is it still leaking?
HEY!! Look!!! I’m wit my gay sister, Rosie! In a GAY bar!!
Gee, Rosie… If I woulda known you was gay before, you KNOW I woulda taken you to a gay bar sooner!!
Yeah, my sister, who is now 57 years old, had no idea I was gay! MissAndy Cohen had to tell her to like me!
Mr. New Jersey psycho doctor, can you fix my brother?
I told youz, Tree… I don’t need no fixin’! Everything’s good wit me… it’s YOU who needs da fixin’…
I’m lookin’ at youz right now, and I CANNOT BELIEVE you are saying dat! Are youz SERIOUS… are youz SERIOUS… are youz SERIOUS??? JOE! ARE YOUZ SERIOUS?!
OK… stop! The two-a youz STOP! I’m da doctor here. Now… tell me why youz wanna see me.
Dis is why we’re here… UH, ‘scue me, Tree. But, look at Mr. New Jersey doctor, Tree! You’re really cute, Mr. New Jersey doctor! Have you looked at him, Tree??? He got da same wonky eye like our Andy!!
OK… stop wit da compliments. My wonky eye is da only reason I got youz for patients. Here’s a spoiler alert for youz: Bravo will be featuring people wit wonky eyes on all der shows… along wit all da gays dey can find! Now… why are youz here??
We’re here because of YOU, brother! You been stealin’ my new word that I learned! It took me TEN months to learn dat word and you ain’t takin’ it from me for Melissa to use!
Are youz KIDDING ME…are youz KIDDING ME… are youz KIDDING ME? Are you gonna lie to Mr. New Jersey psycho doctor and tell him dat you dit-ent take my new word… “Malicious”???
OK… so I took your word. Big deal! It sounds like you’re sayin’ “Melissa” anyway! Didja ever think of dat… huh??? It fits better wit Melissa anywayz… “Malicious Melissa”.
OK… we’re done here. Youz twoz are morons. Git the hell outta my office. OH… before youz two go, tell Andy ‘thanks’ millions for the ‘exposure’… thanks a lot. Can’t wait for all my colleagues to see this! And some advice: DON’T go to Napa… and “Malicious” DOES sound better with Melissa. Now git out! Yer done… you can leave! SECURITY!!