The recently voted “Biggest Bully” of the Real Housewives of New York, Jillz, was a guest on
a cheap imitation of The View, whose only reason for existing is to give the President of CBS, Les Moonves’ wife, Julie Chen, a j-0-b “The Talk” and she’s trying her hardest, most cloying ways to bully herself into the good graces of Sharon Osbourne and Leah Remini in the hopes of lining up her next gig.
According to Jillz very own words (above)… she is trying to maneuver herself into position as a “regular substitute” on The Talk. How would Jillz work this out? The Talk tapes in Studio City, CA and Jillz is a Hamptons/NYC housewife…. So, how the hell would Jillz swing this???
Actual, possible real-life scenario:
Sarah Gilbert gets a phone call from her wife telling her that it’s over. Sarah’s wife has fallen hard for Kathy Wakile’s sister, Rosie, whose voice she heard when Rosie called into Andy Cohen’s Watch What Happens Live! After Show. It was her voice… as soon as Mrs. Gilbert heard Rosie talk about why she wears hats on Andy’s show, she was a goner. Rosie’s voice is playing over and over in Mrs. Gilbert’s brain… until Andy Cohen makes an appearance on The Talk the following week. Mrs. Sarah Gilbert arranged for a private meeting with Andy’s personal bodyguard, Rosie, behind Sarah Gilbert’s back. The voice, the look, the hatz… Mrs. Sara Gilbert had zero defense against the sheer magnetism that she felt toward Rosie.
Sarah Gilbert is preparing for the next day’s episode of The Talk when she receives a phone call from her partner of 12 years, Mrs. Gilbert. Mrs. Gilbert tells Sarah that she’s off to NYC to spend the rest of her days with Andy Cohen’s bodyguard, Rosie. Sarah is shaken and cannot even think of anything else except how she will compete with Andy Cohen’s bodyguard. Julie Chen has been contacted and told of the grave situation.
Julie Chen is wondering who she can call on such short order to take the brokenhearted Sarah Gilbert’s place on the dais of The Talk. Julie remembered the last time JillZarin was a guest and all she talked about was becoming a panelist on The Talk. How could Julie Chen forget? Julie still wears the diamond/sapphire/ruby pendant on a diamond-encrusted chain that Jillz gave her, which engraved on the back says: “Hey, Julie! Give me a call if any of your co-hosts go squirrely on ya. Thanks a lot, Jillz. 917-555-3376.”
Julie calls Jillz’ number. Julie wonders to herself why, if Jillz is such an “old-money NY socialite” as Jillz wants to be known, is Jillz’ area code the new “917″ and not “212.” Having a “212″ area code indicates that you’ve been in NYC a long, long time and probably are an authentic “old-money NY socialite.” Julie overlooks the suspicious area code and gets Jillz on the phone.
Julie Chen to Jillz: “Hey, Jill…Julie Chen, wife of CBS President Les Moonves, here. Here’s your chance. Sarah Gilbert’s wife just took off with Andy Cohen’s bodyguard and Sarah is tryin’ to get over this quick so she can get back to her place on the panel. She’s just gone for today… she gets over this stuff kinda quick by buyin’ new cowboy boots. So, howz about you takin’ Sarah’s place today?”
Jillz response: “I’ll be right there, Julie.”
As soon a Jillz hangs up on Julie Chen… yes, Jillz hung up on the wife of Les Moonves, President of CBS… Julie Chen! Jillz couldn’t take the extra second to politely say “good-bye” or “see ya when I get there,” ’cause this is the call she’s been waiting for and must hurry to arrange for her huge appearance on The Talk. No time for stoopid formalities… stuff like being polite ‘n dat.
Jillz starts commanding orders. Jillz first “request” was for Bawby to get her a private plane to LA, a makeup artist and hair stylist to fly out to LA with her.
yelled to screeched to Bawby that she also needs a second private plane for the following: a masseuse; a manicurist; a separate pedicurist; her private colonoscopist; all of Bethenny’s appearances on a video reel (just as reference material… it’s not like Jillz is trying to copy B or nothin’ like that…); the dentist who obliged Jillz’ incessant interruptions during Cindy ClothesShop’s dental visit (’cause Jillz prefers professionals who appease pay attention to her); Dr. Giese for emergency liquid facelift, if needed; and Bootsy Collins (just ’cause Jillz was totally into him when she was single, livin’ in Queens in a one-bedroom apartment, before she snagged Bawby while she was into the grind at Macy’s).
Jillz also reminds Bawby that his company is the premiere fabric company of the East Coast, and hints to Bawby that it would be such a nice touch if Bawby could fly out a separate plane with all the fabric samples to redecorate her substitute host dressing room so she can feel at home while practicing how to be a talk show host before she steps out on stage with the other co-hosts.
Leah Remini (Scientologist rep on The Talk) gripping the contents of the gift bag Jillz brought with her. Jillz only has 1.64 million more of her books to give away before there is a walkway path in the Zarin Fabrics Warehouse…
Cost of phone call from Julie Chen to Jillz: Nothing.
Cost of the CBS talk show, “The Talk,” to have Jillz appear as a substitute host: If Jillz receives SAG union scale, it’s around $1,500, but she wrangled $15,000 out of a college (here), so let’s just say $5,000.
Cost to Bawby Zarin to assist his wife, Jillz, with another of her fantasies-come-true: $873,457… and counting. That figure is just getting Jillz to LA… once in LA, Jillz will require staying for a few more days, racking up more expense. Jillz will never pass up the opportunity to chomp on food with her mouth open at Villa Blanca and do some shopping on Rodeo Drive…