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Real Housewives of New York: JillZ… Not Toooooooo Pushy, Is She???

The recently voted “Biggest Bully” of the Real Housewives of New York, Jillz, was a guest on a cheap imitation of The View, whose only reason for existing is to give the President of CBS, Les Moonves’ wife, Julie Chen, a j-0-b “The Talk” and she’s trying her hardest, most cloying ways to bully herself into the good graces of Sharon Osbourne and Leah Remini in the hopes of lining up her next gig.

According to Jillz very own words (above)… she is trying to maneuver herself into position as a “regular substitute” on The Talk.  How would Jillz work this out?  The Talk tapes in Studio City, CA and Jillz is a Hamptons/NYC housewife….  So, how the hell would Jillz swing this???

                                                                                                                Dammit… I hate shoppin’.  Love those cowboy boots though.  Cowboy boots make me happy… don’t know why, they just do… especially red ones.

Actual, possible real-life scenario:

Sarah Gilbert gets a phone call from her wife telling her that it’s over.  Sarah’s wife has fallen hard for Kathy Wakile’s sister, Rosie, whose voice she heard when Rosie called into Andy Cohen’s Watch What Happens Live! After Show.  It was her voice… as soon as Mrs. Gilbert heard Rosie talk about why she wears hats on Andy’s show, she was a goner.  Rosie’s voice is playing over and over in Mrs. Gilbert’s brain… until Andy Cohen makes an appearance on The Talk the following week.  Mrs. Sarah Gilbert arranged for a private meeting with Andy’s personal bodyguard, Rosie, behind Sarah Gilbert’s back.  The voice, the look, the hatz… Mrs. Sara Gilbert had zero defense against the sheer magnetism that she felt toward Rosie.

Sarah Gilbert is preparing for the next day’s episode of The Talk when she receives a phone call from her partner of 12 years, Mrs. Gilbert.  Mrs. Gilbert tells Sarah that she’s off to NYC to spend the rest of her days with Andy Cohen’s bodyguard, Rosie. Sarah is shaken and cannot even think of anything else except how she will compete with Andy Cohen’s bodyguard.  Julie Chen has been contacted and told of the grave situation.

Julie Chen is wondering who she can call on such short order to take the brokenhearted Sarah Gilbert’s place on the dais of The Talk.  Julie remembered the last time JillZarin was a guest and all she talked about was becoming a panelist on The Talk. How could Julie Chen forget?  Julie still wears the diamond/sapphire/ruby pendant on a diamond-encrusted chain that Jillz gave her, which engraved on the back says:  “Hey, Julie!  Give me a call if any of your co-hosts go squirrely on ya.  Thanks a lot, Jillz.  917-555-3376.”

Julie calls Jillz’ number.  Julie wonders to herself why, if Jillz is such an “old-money NY socialite” as Jillz wants to be known, is Jillz’ area code the new “917” and not “212.” Having a “212” area code indicates that you’ve been in NYC a long, long time and probably are an authentic “old-money NY socialite.”  Julie overlooks the suspicious area code and gets Jillz on the phone.

Julie Chen to Jillz:  “Hey, Jill…Julie Chen, wife of CBS President Les Moonves, here.  Here’s your chance.  Sarah Gilbert’s wife just took off with Andy Cohen’s bodyguard and Sarah is tryin’ to get over this quick so she can get back to her place on the panel.  She’s just gone for today… she gets over this stuff kinda quick by buyin’ new cowboy boots.  So, howz about you takin’ Sarah’s place today?”

Jillz response:  “I’ll be right there, Julie.”

As soon a Jillz hangs up on Julie Chen… yes, Jillz hung up on the wife of Les Moonves, President of CBS…  Julie Chen!  Jillz couldn’t take the extra second to politely say “good-bye” or “see ya when I get there,” ’cause this is the call she’s been waiting for and must hurry to arrange for her huge appearance on The Talk.  No time for stoopid formalities… stuff like being polite ‘n dat.

Jillz starts commanding orders.   Jillz first “request” was for Bawby to get her a private plane to LA, a makeup artist and hair stylist to fly out to LA with her.

Jillz also yelled to screeched to Bawby that she also needs a second private plane for the following:  a masseuse; a manicurist; a separate pedicurist; her private colonoscopist; all of Bethenny’s appearances on a video reel (just as reference material… it’s not like Jillz is trying to copy B or nothin’ like that…); the dentist who obliged Jillz’ incessant interruptions during Cindy ClothesShop’s dental visit (’cause Jillz prefers professionals who appease pay attention to her);  Dr. Giese for emergency liquid facelift, if needed; and Bootsy Collins (just ’cause Jillz was totally into him when she was single, livin’ in Queens in a one-bedroom apartment, before she snagged Bawby while she was into the grind at Macy’s).

                                                                                                      You know I’ll be there for you, Jillz… just for you!  But I need my own plane… 

Jillz also reminds Bawby that his company is the premiere fabric company of the East Coast, and hints to Bawby that it would be such a nice touch if Bawby could fly out a separate plane with all the fabric samples to redecorate her substitute host dressing room so she can feel at home while practicing how to be a talk show host before she steps out on stage with the other co-hosts.

              Leah Remini (Scientologist rep on The Talk) gripping the contents of the gift bag Jillz brought with her.  Jillz only has 1.64 million more of her books to give away before there is a walkway path in the Zarin Fabrics Warehouse…

Cost of phone call from Julie Chen to Jillz:  Nothing.

Cost of the CBS talk show, “The Talk,” to have Jillz appear as a substitute host:  If Jillz receives SAG union scale, it’s around $1,500, but she wrangled $15,000 out of a college (here), so let’s just say $5,000.

Cost to Bawby Zarin to assist his wife, Jillz, with another of her fantasies-come-true:  $873,457… and counting.  That figure is just getting Jillz to LA… once in LA, Jillz will require staying for a few more days, racking up more expense.  Jillz will never pass up the opportunity to chomp on food with her mouth open at Villa Blanca and do some shopping on Rodeo Drive…

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23 comments on “Real Housewives of New York: JillZ… Not Toooooooo Pushy, Is She???

  1. I would LOVE to see Jillz fighting to get a word in edgewise with Leah Remini. That chick will put her in the hot spot. I hope she’s ready! LOL Ms SH!

  2. Not a big fan of the The Talk. I rate them at “Gossip Queens” level.

    I hate to say something nice about Jill buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut she does look so nice in pictures.As in physical appearance, she looks sooo skinny in pictures compared to the cameras!

  3. Sarah Gilbert is gay? Excuse me if I’m not top of things…but I’ve always wondered. Doesnt she have children? I think Jill would be a good replacement on this show. But I think Jill and Sharon would go at it because they both have strong, know it all personailites. Not a Sharon fan, or this show…I dont think I have ever watched a full episode, just snips here and there. Love your site!

    • Yep she is a lady pond gold olympian. I think her partner gave birth to one and she gave birth to the other. Musta been that store bought freeze dried spermies.

  4. I find myself watching it sometimes bc I like Julie. Then to watch Leah and Holly interrupt and take over with their thing. And before you know it Sharon will bust in talking about some non related nonsense, but they all kiss her a$$ and don’t call her out and Just let her go so I’m sure she’s doing it on purpose. As far as Sarah goes, I found out she was gay when I caught the show for the first time and she’s so “one of these people don’t belong, one of these people are doing their own thing” (not bc she’s gay) bc she’s not an idiot. I’m just waiting for her head to explode. Julie’s not stupid either, but with her hubby being the head cheese, she plays along. I stop watching once they start interviewing guests bc that’s where they really blow it!

    • Well there is a 6 degrees of separation deal going on here. Sara is sister of Melissa who was on Little House On The Prairie which Kyle was also on and now she is a HW and so is Jill. Word has it that they plan on having Cindy Wet-mop Cough-drop Belly-flop be the first guest when Jill subs so she can pitch for her newest vag clearing shop’s newest midwest locations DBA Little House For Your Hairy. * I am being ironic, sarcastic and witty as hell*

      • MP!!!! Her name is Barshop–Carshop–Hoagie shop–chopshop, whatever…were you absent the day we all had to say it together?? Oh that’s right you were up at the principal’s office for cuttin’ up in class!! Now don’t you just feel terrible???

        • yep I do fell a tad bit bad about that but I will make up for it come end of the year when I am voted Superlative Funniest and get an extry page in the yearbook. :) In the mean time I have convinced the Principal that I am A-OK with corporal punishment so I just bend over, take my licks then we sit back an shoot the bull the rest of the period. I think that man is sweet on me.

        • My personal faves: Cindy Sugar Smacks, Ex-lax … Headshop, Flip-flop, BarHop, Sir Mix-A-Lot, whatever. “her name’s not hard”… No elfin duh! :-D

  5. I never liked the show…trying to be like the View isn’t cutting it…Julie should stick to stupid stuff like Big Brother that show has gotten worse each season. And Sharon never makes any sence, she’s just like Ozzie…

    • WTH?!? fer realz? I thought my son was crossing the line big time when he tried to tell me Casey was innocent. I was flabbergasted that his 14 year old hind end was even keeping up with it. Little did I realize he was just only paying enough attention so he could mes with me about it. My son is a funny funny boy! Anyways I was bantering back n forth with him a bit before I bottom lined it and asked him ” What do you think happened” The kid didnt bat a eye and he told me “its obvious Caylee killed herself because she was so upset that the family was so screwed up!” if Im a lying Ima dying! He goes out to the garage , gets duct tape puts it over his mouth n nose attempting to show me that it IS possible. What a stinker I tell ya, If his music career dont pan out he outa be a lawyer because he almost had me convinced… almost. Anyways after his demo I was gonna throw the duct tape away and he said ” no no no save that , it will be my halloween costume this year”

      • Lol, you know I luv that boy! ;-) yep, saw the mask on da View. It’s scary alright and pretty life like.

        • Oh my I take it that the people that are selling them will not have to pay Casey will they? She cant sue them for using her likeness can she? Itts very taseless but some chick could wear that and her date can wheelchair it ala Larry Flint at some Halloween costume contest Anywhere USA

  6. Sharon Osbourne would eat JZ alive!!! Sharon takes NO BS from anyone….it would be GREAT tv…

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