On last night’s Real Housewives of New York… ‘LAST CALL, MOROCCO’
Jill Zarin and Ramona Singer were still recovering from their vicious verbal vacuous venom vitriolic version of a married couple’s spat; Housewives got henna’d; they got a personal tour of a huge stucco building; they ate dinner; some were late for dinner; some weren’t told what time dinner would be; they saw belly dancers dance; they helped in the kitchen; they tagined and got caftan’d; and packed their bags… oh, they haven’t left yet, that’s next week…
Jill: Ramona told me that no fortune-teller would ever say that there was another woman in Bawbee’s life. Countless: Jill, darling, you should at least appreciate Ramona for her honesty…
Alex: Get lost, Sonja… didn’t you have your shooting time with Ramona this morning? You’re such a camera hog…
Ramona: Geez Sonja, I know the rules about us all getting one-on-one camera time, but you didn’t have to tell Alex that Simon was Skype-ing his boner. I mean, that’s just making me sick. Couldn’t you have just knocked her unconscious or somethin’?
I would suggest that you order everything on this menu. For God’s sake, your toaster oven is an electrical hazard and your oven is a home for rabbits! Andy knows your situation… just have it all shipped.
Sonja: Did the maitre’ d just say that shipping overnight will be $9,700 USD?! Alex: When you get back, just give Andy a Pillsbury crescent roll and tell him it’s a Moroccan flijahibibi… he’ll slip it through accounting.
Oh! Damnit… Sonja forget to put on her underwear again!
Nice…very nice. Now… please get me a ‘pee-no’ ‘gree-gee-oh.’
Hey! That area is for Simon only! Did LuAnnie know what kind of place this was? Ramona: And Sonja helped her!
Jill: So, Miss ‘Let’s All Go to Morocco’ leaves us here with the Unabomber… again. I don’t understand one word of what he’s saying, there’s no translator, I’m really getting pissed. If I were travelling with my Bawbee, none of this would ever happen…
Really, Jill… we are all having a hard time understanding what Moosestuffa is saying and we don’t need to hear you ranting about where LuAnnie is. Cindy: Where IS the Countess?
Ramona: We were all at the Moroccan Taj Mahal and she just said she had something to do. So, how is that any different from me and Sonja taking a drive when we got here? Alex: Should I kick her ass when she gets back? Ramona: Oh thanks, Alex… but I can do my own ass-kickin’.
Sonja: Yeah, green looks good on you.. but look at all these hangers! That Cindy Barship Shipwreck Shipshape whatever… that new girl is not going to get away with this!
Look, I made you a promise and I keep my promises. But, you have turned on me during this trip and I don’t like you very much right now, so maybe I will mention something to someone. I just have to think about this… LuAnn, please leave.
Oh, Alex. YOU don’t tell ME to leave… ever. Let me remind you… if it wasn’t for me, YOU would not be here. YOU would not even be on this show. YOU would be an unemployed mother of two little… ahem… ‘precocious’ little boys, married to a concierge of a second-rate hotel, who lives in BROOKLYN. YOU and your kids and your husband would be living on food stamps if it weren’t for ME getting YOU on this show. So, let me remind you again… it would be best for you to keep quiet.
My boys are lovely children and yes, they are rambunctious boys and I live in Brooklyn, so what! I love Brooklyn. Simon was NEVER a concierge, he was the manager and the hotel was NOT second-rate! You’re second-rate! YOU are second-rate, LuAnnie…
Holy hell! What’s goin’ on over there? What are those two fighting about? Hey, you.. Precious I and II… go find out what’s goin’ on…
Sonja, seriously… stop stealing my jewelry. I just saw you take another piece. Stop denying it… it’s on your neck, genius.
You sold all of my jewelry to the caftan guy for $40,000? OMG! I love you, Sonja!!!
You sold all of my jewelry for $38 Moroccan! He wasn’t buying in US dollars, he was buying in Moroccan dirhams. I don’t care, Sonja… you owe me $39,862.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the craziest of them all? You are. No, YOU are. Shut up! You’re weird. NO, you’re weird. Noooo… YOU’RE weird. Shut up! No, YOU shut up! You’re weird and I won’t shut up! Make me! No, you make me! That is not the way to do things… you don’t tell someone to shut up and then tell them that they’re weird. It’s weird. No, YOU’RE weird. LuAnn entering room: Kelly, who are you talking to? Kelly: Uh…
Jill, I’ve been meaning to let you know that whatever you’re doing to your hair, keep it up… it looks great!
Really, Alex? Really? You really like it? ‘Cause Cindy did it. She called it ‘hairjazzling’ and she used these very short extensions that she brought with her that are only made at her shop. She said that’s why my hair got all curly. You really like it???
Well, we’re all finally all together… except for MaryKate and Ashley…
Hey, Countess of Corrections … stop with the minute-by-minute monitoring. And we like ‘the blonde Kardashians’ better.
Ramona, how dare you speak to me in that tone in front of my guests!? I have to keep up the phony Countess act until we get out of this God-forsaken third world country. Just another day left… OK?
Jill, if you wanted my bikini so bad, you just needed to ask…
I hate lending bikinis to anyone, Jill… you know that. But, if Cindy permanently sanitized and coated your lady space and made it spray Febreze every half hour, then I guess it’s OK.
We KNEW it was you that took the hangers, Cindy Clipclop whatever… you will be doing all of my ladyscaping when we get back to New York. And Mario’s, too. No, never mind, just mine… forever. Sonja can make her own deal with you…
Black hair American hanger lady… you tell white hair American to no laugh in my kitchen. You tell her I got knife. I know to use knife for more than peeling garlic. Go… you tell…
… and so the very last part was that Andy had to approve this trip and when he did, my plan was complete.
He embarrassed me and I will not stand for that behavior. That’s the ONLY reason I wanted to show you girls Morocco… I certainly would not have picked this desert filled, poverty-stricken country otherwise.
I was so proud of myself. It was perfect. They were both there, and I felt a little like ‘Betty Broderick’, except, of course, I’m not fat, old or ugly. But I have to say, it was very satisfying to off the Count and his Moroccan gold-digging girlfriend. No one… no one will ever take my title away… no one. Ever. And, I checked… America does not have a fugitive reciprocal agreement with Morocco, so as soon as I hit US soil, I’m free!
To Andy! For making LuAnn’s dream come true.
Moroccan police arrested Countless LuAnnie just as the AirMoroc flight attendant was making the pre-flight safety announcements.
Oh, Jill and Cindy? Yeah, they were in on it, too.
Jill fell in love with all the glitzy fabrics in Morocco and LuAnnie promised her all the fabric that she wanted for life, or as long as Zarin Fabrics stays in business, and you know Jill… she could not pass up a good deal!
What I would give to have every piece of fabric in this room…
And Cindy? LuAnnie told me, just in a conversation, because you know that I knew nothing about this while we were there. I knew nothing. But… LuAnnie told me that Cindy would be a tough one and was ready to pay her $100,000 a month for the rest of her life, but she was joking and told Cindy that she could be a Countess, too, and Cindy said, “OK!”
Cindy told me that she was sick and tired of her last name and Countess Cindy sounded much better than Cindy Barmop Mophead Headshop Headcount Headboard Bedboard Breadbox Boxtop Boxcar Carhop CarLot SirMixALot Beyonce whatever…
Love it!
LOL – Jillz’s hair ‘extensions’ a la Cindy’s Crotch Shop!
And Kelly in a room by herself having the “weird” conversation! Too Funny! But also… very easy to picture Koo Koo Kell actually HAVING that convo with her self by herself.
It was funny last night on WWHL when Andy revealed the poll results of which HW was “weirdest” and Ana Gasteyer immediately chimed in with her pick as the weirdest being “Kelly” but Countless tried to correct her to mean “Alex”, but good ol’ Ana wouldn’t play Countless’s game and stuck by her pick of Kelly being weirdest.
And then when Andy revealed that KooKoo Kelly won the poll as being weirdest, but that Lulu came in SECOND, that sure shut the Countless up.
But Countless sure does try to dictate what everyone thinks and does this season. And if you ever disagree with her or cross her in any way, well…. A camel hath no fury like a Countless scorned.
Love it Ms Sh. You neva let me down. No doubt Alex has to take it up the poop shoot on the regular. This explains her awkard gate. Girl be havin impacted colon issues.
and no wonder Kelly thought Santa was gonna come fix her jacked up henna tattoo. Those little round Moroccan elves were wearing red and green after all. Cindy Carhop lollipop give a dog a bone would never stand for such tomfoolery in her spa. indeed.
and another thing, When Kelly was pulling her diabolical mind game on Alex on last night’s episode between telling her to open and close her eyes she also reminded that Brooklyn hood rat to cover her shoulders since they were chillin on a vacation of a lifetime in a very conservative country. Alex thanks her from the bottom of her heart for the reminder.Then Kookookelly precedes to go for a jog the next morn in her bloomers and tank top. Niiiice. Every single time I go to bat for that chick she up n makes me look stoopid. go figure.
MS SH I almost peed my pants when i got to the part about Precious I and Precious II …bwahahaha! Then, just as I’m beginning to recover, I get to the part about Kelly&the Mirror! OMG my stomach HURTS!
I love ur recaps (pictures+captions=priceless!) 
I really really needed the laugh …thank u 
Oh I’m putting my $$$ on the table that Kells has talked to herself in the mirror before. LOVED the recap, as always! Sir Mix-a-Lot… Mary Kate and Ashley… Question tho, WTH on LuAin’t yo Mama participating in the belly dancing or at the palace tour? I thought as the hostess that just wasn’t very respectful behavior. I mean honestly… Read your own book, dahling, as Ramoner would say.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but Kelly running in shorts and small t not acceptable in a country like Morocco, actually in most middle eastern countries, so how real was the scene. Another faux pas on Kelly was that someone wished her Sante…again, correct me if I’m wrong, Sante is Irish means health and good life. I gave it a shot to watch last night and man are they boring and what is up with LuAnn, did she pay for the trip?
LOL…. I like how you summed up Luann’s attitude in a simple question.
no joke. I could organize vacations all day long on someone else’s dime. Not like its rocket surgery. Crazy part is Sonja had to “co-organize” with her. Good thing they split phone duties cause someone having to do all that calling would surely chip a nail.. Dang these women are bout as useless as… finish it for me ladies..
Andy should do another one of those “word counters” on his next WWHL to count how many times throughout the last 3/4 episodes Countless has said she’s the “hostess”.
I couldn’t figure it out either because she never defines WTH that meant. We all know she didn’t pay for the trip. We all know it’s not being held at HER place. So WTF does she think she’s trying to snow us with? That she got on the internet and booked the reservations?! Great, tell us once, but not a bazillion times.
And does one need pseudo royal connections to chit chat with the minister of tourism? puuuuulllese
If Slutja was CO-HOSTING, why didn’t she call Discountless out on that , every time Discountless was taking all the credit?
LOL – Because Slutja DOESN’T CARE! Just like everyone else who’s had to hear about Countless’s hosting – nobody cares who hosted. They’re all having a great time and Stoopid Countless is inwardly bitter that no one has bestowed upon her the “Hostess of the Year” award. Seriously, I think Countless is angry and bitter that no one is “recognizing her authority” as Hostess and giving her a hostess present or card or thanking her for being hostess.
And if the Counless were TRULY classy, she’d just let it go instead of continually rubbing everyone’s nose in it. Or she’d pick up on the fact that NO ONE CARES who hosted and just let it go. But no, Mommy Dearest that she is, she’s going to keep reminding everyone ad nauseum until SOMEONE finally kisses her damn feet.
I honestly think that’s some of what’s contributed to her authority/ego-trip on this trip. Is she’s mad that no one cares about all her Morrocan connections/knowledge and deferring to her for all their Morroco questions about how things are, what to do, where to go, what time to have dinner, when to have their bowel movements, etc. So Cuntless keeps getting more and more agitated that no one is recognizing her for the Royal Authority that she is on these subjects and her ego spirals out of control.
WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT…it’s like the mental hospital let out half of these loonie-tunes……will someone slap the shit out of Jill? Please….Kelly your eyes weren’t quite as dialated I guess the blow and Horse were in plentiful supply so you didn’t freak out like you (normally) do. LuAnn you are nothing esp. nothing good…stay friendly with Kelly and Jill as they may know some dumb ass who will pay your bills….Cindy Headshop you will need meds if you hang with these backstabbing bitches….Sonya…Ramona….Alex….the demon LuAnn may eat her young so stay clear and far away from Jill and Kelly afterall they are her meal ticket back to the city….
LOL!!! Great recap, MS.SH!!! I was calling KooKooKelly “Sybil” when she was in front of the mirror. Loved the Mary Kate and Ashley, and Betty Broderick. I read that she went up for parole, and was turned down because she showed no remorse. After 20 yrs. in prison, you’d think she’d get over it.
Shhh, quiet, calm… close your eyes. Now open them. Trip of a lifetime! Now go apologize to LuAnn everyone… I believe Kells is the only idiot falling for LuLu’s hostess, banana in the tail pipe, bs. Figures bc we all know she on that Charlie Sheen. Look at I F’n Hosted This Piece’s face in final dinner pic … Strike a pose… catalog model pose maybe? Had to laugh at Gangsta Lu when she told Alex “You start something with me, you need to finish it!” There was NO dahling or yahabibi that bitch was about to get cut. THEN she has the balls to come on WWHL and deny gettin loud on anyone… Ok!
Cindy Headshop… that’s been my fave PJ!
Geez, Countless killed off the Count and his African princess. I can see her in a Moroccan prison, like Midnight Express. Martha Stewart was in jail and earned much respect from her cellies… if Countless were in prison, she’d probably get beat up at least once a week.
Well, Martha did learn how to crochet Ponchos. They were a big success.
I’m so tired of LuAnn, true royals seem to behave better towards the common folk than this pompous ass…excuse the french, but she bugs me so much.
I know right. Could you imagine her being a nurse and scolding patients for whining or puking not handling their illnesses in a dignified manner? I imagine she had to duck a few punches back in the day.
What’s this I hear about Lulu being quite the gentlemanizer (like a womanizer, only when women do it to men). Getting all hands-on grabby with men at parties and even some crotch-grabbing??? And apparently it’s well known that she cheated on the Count? (I thought everything she’s alluded to previously has indicated it was the other way around, because she talks about how hurt she was, etc.)
I wish someone would call her out on this behavior either live on WWHL (which is the BEST when they don’t have time to edit) or on the reunion. I’m guessing the only reason Bravo hasn’t allowed this to come to pass is maybe because they’re afraid of getting in another lawsuit-type situation like Wretched with her Jay/Jeff love triangle of lies.
Yeah no one has Tamera sized ballz on RHNY. Too bad. If you cheat on a Count does that mean that you wont live forever?
Kyle said it best to Camille,”You have the balls of a burglar.”
Ill dank to that! tee hee.
And i figured something was up with her always wanting to go clubbing with her niece.
You guys are KILLING me here! I am dying laughing!
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