Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Season 4, Episode 3… “Sealed With A Diss”, Part II

                               I’m sorry… but I really thought that after all these years you would have figured out that I’m Jeff Goldblum.  Come on, Kath, don’t look so shocked. Howz about I get you in my next picture and you can thumb your nose at this Housewife crap?

                                What iz dat thing?    It’s called ‘New York Strip Steak.’

                                  I know, Joe… I told him that it’s ‘New Jersey Strip Steak’, ’cause dats what we always call it.  Hey, pitcherman… I know my ingredientenses… now change dat to ‘New Jersey Strip Steak.’

                                Should we tell her the difference between lamb and Spam?   No, let her keep talkin’… I want to hear how she made the mint sauce…

                                   Did you fill out the questionnaire before you came here?  And you already paid $750 on your Visa.  OK… now we can start…

                                  You are a complete dumbass.  Tell Andy that you need a new storyline and once you get that, everything else will fall into place.  You’re still a total dumbass.  Now leave.  But don’t forget to leave the usual $100 tip…

                                 I don’t know what my boyz will do with this stripper pole you gave them, Jacqueline.  Christopher has seen them before, but he thinks they only work in car washes.  Yeah, it’s good that he’s gonna move here with Albie… he would never make it on his own…

                                     Does your mother know about us, Albie?  ‘Cause if you don’t tell her, I will.  I mean it.  

                              Oh yeah… I always knew, Fluffly-guy.  Now outta my face… leave.

                                 You don’t need a psychic to tell you that you need a new storyline.  I mean look, Jacqueline, they pulled me and your mother in here to beef up your part on this show.   When’s dinner gonna be ready?

                                You know that your mother and I are the most boring people in the world, so how’s that gonna help you?  You need to tell that Andy-person that this Ashley boo-hoo story ain’t gonna fly.  You know, I’m still on Las Vegas time and I would have had dinner two hours ago…

                                   Damn.  Why did Bravo do this to me?  They could have made my storyline ‘finding out which escort service I worked for in Vegas,’ but noooooo it’s all about Ashley.  

                                   And who the hell are you?

                                 My Christopher did not get you pregnant.  No way, no how.  Well, you do what you gotta do.  Trust me, honey… if you even try to drag my Christopher on the Maury Show, I will find you and you will need to use a walker for the rest of your life.  Now get outta here…

                                   Geez, this ‘reality’ show stinks.  They got me in the kitchen cookin’ potloads of food.  I never cooked this much food… ever.  Like, what are they gonna have me do next?  It would be great to get my ’84 Honda replaced.  They want me to ride my bicycle everywhere, but hell, I’m gonna have to drive my car at some point…

                                      Hey, look what Bravo I leased for six months bought you, Kath…

                                    Mrs. Wakile,  sign here and here.  This is just a standard form that says that you will not take your ’84 Honda out of the garage as long as you appear on the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  This is a ‘reality’ show and we have to keep it real…

                                I did!  I wrote a cookbook!  Me!  By myself!  Teresa Schmu-day-cha-cha-chay JOO-DICE!  Dat makes me A OUTHER!!!

                  Honestly, Teresa, how did you even get through grade school?  You can’t talk, you can’t read and you can’t spell.  And I have to pretend to like you on this f’n show for the rest of this season?  

                                Caroline:  First, Teresa, it’s ‘author’ and you aren’t one.    Tree:  But doz peeple at Andy’s office tole me dat if I wanted to tell everybody dat Ima outher, then I could.   Caroline:  Teresa, stop talking.  I don’t care what they told you.  You are not an author.  An author is one who practices writing as a profession, and looking over what other people wrote about pictures of recipes does not make you an author.  KimD:  I think Caroline is right, Teresa.  Jackie:  I’ll stay outta this one.

                                 Oh, God, what did I get myself into? Teresa can barely walk and talk at the same time… but, she swears she’s an author, so this letter might be easy.

                                OK… here’s my letter to my brother, Lil Joe.  Tell me if you like it… “To my only brother Joey”   “My Dearest Joey”   “To Joey”  “Joe, your my brother”  “Dear Joe.”  That’s as far as I got…

                    Teresa:  But I AM a outher.   Jackie:  If you’re an author, you should have no problem ‘authoring’ a simple letter to your brother.  Now please stop talking about Melissa and the christening and how you didn’t leave your kid in the stroller all by herself (even though it’s on tape that she was crying in her abandoned stroller) and write the damn letter.

                                 Oh my God… Teresa… shut the f up.  

                                 Jackie, howz this sound:  “Dear Joe:  You are my brother.  That’s a fact.  You married Melissa.  That’s another fact.  You are mean to me.  You need to apologize.  Your sister, Teresa.”   Jackie:  That’s perfect, Teresa.  Don’t slam the door on your way out…

                                       My very first letter as a outher.  They should keep it, ’cause it will be worth a lot of money one day, but they won’t ’cause the both of them are too stupid.

                              When was the last time we went jogging together?  We ain’t never been jogging… I didn’t even know what jogging was, but the camera guys told us to get outta the house.  Like they coulda just said go runnin’…

                              Look!  It’s a letter from your sister.  Put dat down… come on, git in da house. Youz know dat I can’t carry around dis poison no more.  Open da damn door, Missy!

                                Dear Joe Gorga:  “You are being sued.  This letter is to advise you to seek legal counsel immediately.  If you cannot afford legal counsel, please contact your local Bar Association and they will assist you in finding an attorney who will take your case pro bono.”

                                “If you do not tell Andy that you don’t wanna be on RHONJ, you and your wife will never see me or Juicy or the kids or none of da Jood-de-SHAY’s  Joo-DED-che’s  JOO- day- shay’s Judy- cha-cha’s  JOO-DICE’s ever again.  Now da ball is in your coort, so whatcha gonna do, huh Joe?  I swear, if the two of you stoopid peeple say anything about me on the show, you will be ripped in two and you know I can do it, Joey.  Everybody liked me before you two barged in.  Yerz trooly, Yer sistar, Ta-reesa”

                               It’s just a letter, Joe.  And you can tell that Jackie wrote the first part… your sister won’t do anything… she can’t even spell or talk.    Yeah, but you never seen her get really mad… she’s like a freakin’ ape on roids.