Real Housewives of New York Recap: Season 4, Episode 8… ‘Misfortune Teller’… Part II

                                                                                 The Real Housewives of New York…


                    Yeah, it’s too bad that those other people on the show couldn’t fly with us… but we’ll be first ones there… we’re number one!   We’re number one!  We’re number one!   U-S-A!  U-S-A! U-S-A!     Tone it down, Kelly…

                          Countless:  Here’s to hoping that we’re not all canned when we get back from this trip.    (InHerOwnBrainKelly:  Andy would never do that… maybe he’d get rid of all you guys, but never me…)  Poor Kelly.

                         Look at all those big guys wearing white… and they’re holding a white coat with long, floppy sleeves and buckles.  That’s pretty cool looking, huh Kelly?   Kelly, they want you to try it on.  Yeah, go ahead, Kelly.  I’ll take pictures for you.  Good, they got her!  Step on it, Moheeb.  Didn’t I tell you Kelly was crazy?  I’ve been saying that since the day she came on the show. She’ll be thanking me for this.  We’ll pick her up on the way back to the airport…

                          I’m supposed to tell you that I’m flying right now and I’m way up in the air on my way to Morocco… even though you can clearly see the ground lights and reflections of other planes still on the ground.  No, no one watching the show will notice.  Yes, I know YOU will, but Andy says that he can get away with just about anything ’cause the people who watch HWs are ready to lap up anything… yeah, he said that.  Really.

                      Kelly:  Let’s all toast:  “To having a great time on Bravo’s dime.”  Hey, that rhymed!     Countless:  Where’s Kelly? Kelly!?   Cindy:  Kelly just said ‘Marrakech’ and ‘treasure chest’ and asked for a shovel.  She said something about finding her satchels of gold here…

                      Geez, like I’m supposed to know that Kelly has not given up on Peter Pan or the Easter Bunny… like who does that crap?

                        So, did you find those satchels that you were digging for?    No, I actually found something better… look at this rock!  I can use it for my next video on ‘How to Make Wishes on Rocks.’

                        What the hell is that growth on your neck, Jill?  That’s a tumor.  You can’t be seen with that.  Stay still and I’ll take a swat at it with my racket.

                              It wasn’t a growth LuAnn… it’s these giant Moroccan lemons.  They attach to everything and grow everywhere…

                      First who smelt it…  is the one who dealt it!   We know it was you, Alex.  Oh, come on, Sonja… you know that’s funny!

                              Sahibe, I have been to many, many places all over the world, so I have to take photos because I have an especially valuable bag, a very valuable bag.  My green bag is the most valuable because that green bag has my screenplay for John Travolta in it.  So, I’m putting down my camera and walking away for ten minutes… uh, because I have to find film.   Did you hear me?   I said, “My green bag has valuables in it.  Ger-een bag…John Travolta.”   Damn.   I been cartin’ around that script everywhere… my lawyer told me that if it was stolen I could get out of my bankruptcy.  

                           Look here Mz Baena… I know who you are.  You think you’re gonna hide out in Morocco until the whole Ah-nuld thing goes away.  Well, you’re wrong, ’cause I know who you are and no, you cannot come home with me and Mario.  But I got your number, so you just follow me around with a bottle of my chilled pinot grigio and fill my wine glass when it’s running low and I won’t tell anyone I ever saw you.  

                       Wow!  I really made a great deal with this chick… she can even spot me like she did for Ah-nuld.  Hey, Beeno… I’m weightlifting…get over her and spot me… and bring that bottle.

                        No, Sonja.  I see va-jay-jays every day.  Unless yours can play DVDs, I really don’t want to see it…

                           You two are the most incorrigible house guests!  I thought you said ‘hangers’ and you were just comparing how Simone and Brian hang….  Oh, I feel so silly… well, here, you can always use extra hangers.

                    Sonja wanted me to look at her va-jay-jay.  Oh, Cindy, as host, I should have told you about our NY Housewives initiation process.  Just go ahead and look at it… just takes a minute.

                            So, the only ones that still haven’t seen Sonja’s va-jay-jay are Cindy and Alex.  Do you think your friend, Brian would like to see it, too?  He’s not here yet, but do ask him when he gets here…

                        Look, it’s my friend from New York.  It’s such a small world!  I’m in an out-of-the-way Moroccan shop and out of all the people who I know in NYC, who should just drop in the same little shop in Morocco?  Have you seen Sonja’s va-jay-jay yet?

                               I could not believe that Brian Boles walked through that shop door.  I mean Andy was putting up such a stink about my suggestion of Morocco… and then they just think nothing of sending over Brian… with a friend, I might add.

                      What the hell is the problem with LuAnnie?  She’s got some bug up her butt, ’cause your friend, Brian, got hauled over here by Bravo.

             Ramona:   Countless was so mad about Jillz friend, Brian, being here that she popped her neck veins out real big.  See?  These, right here.  They were about to explode on her.  I swear to you, Sonja.  I’ve never seen LuAnn so mad and her eyes were bulging, too… like that new girl in Jersey, only ten times bigger.

                            I know you’re all wondering what big-mouth Ramona said about me.  As you can see, I did not blow up my neck veins.  But, you can all be assured that as your host, I did make arrangements for a very special clean-up crew.  Let me introduce to you, the very best vein popping cleaner-upper and he specializes in cleanin’ up explodin’ heads… Mr. Messy Mike, the Moroccan Kleanup King.  Mike cleaned up Sadam Hussein AND his boys, so he knows what he’s doing. 

                        Alex looks like a hypnotized freak with claw for hands.  No, Ramona, Alex looks like Frankenstein’s wife, except she needs those bolts on her neck. Where can we get those bolts?  Either she does this or it’s the va-jay-jay. Changed your mind yet, Alex?

                          Four American women walking through the streets of a third-world country.  The only woman realizing how risky this is… Sonja.

                                  I’ve only seen that done with David Schwimmer Jacques…

                        Hey!  LuAnnie!  Has David Schwimmer Jacques ever done this?  Oh, he has?  That’s impressive…

                        She is saying that you owe her $5,000 American dollars.  And, yes, she can swipe a credit card.  

                        She told me I need to give her $5,000 so I tried to pay her in my jewelry and now she wants $20,000 and she just put a fatwa on me until she gets the $20,000.  How are we going to pay her?

                            Lucky for us, I escaped that looney-bin and got back here just in time to see that the fortune-teller was trying to swindle Ramona and Sonja.  Even though I don’t like them, what I hate more are bullies and that badly-dressed woman was a bully.  I just did what any friend would do.  I beat the ever-lovin’ crap out of her. Yep, beat her… just like I beat the crap out of my boyfriend.   She’s so beat that you can’t even tell where her eyes are… yeah, my knuckles are sore, but I’m very satisfied with it.