Real Housewives of Orange County, Season 6, Episode 8… Recap

It’s Wretched’s birthday.  Slade has blindfolded Wretched and is whisking her off in a Hummer stretch limo to an awaiting helicopter.  Wretched can only hear the whoosh-whoosh of the helicopter blades as she excitedly steps up and settles into the helicopter.

                           Look, Wretchy… there’s my kids’ hospital room!

While airborne, Slade gives Wretched hints of what is to come:   We will be landing on the rooftop of a luxurious five-star hotel; once we land, you will be taken to the Queen’s Suite, a Suite reserved only for the Queen of England that I have reserved for the day; you will change into the clothing I’ve chosen for you which you will find by following a trail of rose petals and LaPerla lingerie; we will have the best Russian Beluga caviar on blini and Tattinger’s in the Suite; then I will take you to a jewelry store whose name begins with a “T” and rhymes with “Bliffany” where you will choose a necklace;  I’ve rented a restaurant for the evening and arranged for Eric Ripert to make dinner and Michael Buble to serenade you;  at midnight, we will depart for the heliport and return home.  I really hope you love your day, Wretched… oh, keep your eyes closed.  While in the air, Slade puts a velvet box in Wretched’s hand, but tells her that she can’t open it until they land.  Wretched is thinking that this will be the best birthday she’s ever had… EVER!

Oh, poor Wretched… in her dreams, that is what she would LIKE Slimey to do for her on her birthday, but instead, indigent Slade is driving her to his friend’s art studio where they can be ‘pretend artists.’   Wretched reminds Slimey again that he’s broke and that he should seriously consider turning his new-found love of art into some cash… just like Wretched did with her WretchedChristine handbag line that is made in China by little five-year-old Chinese kids and look like reject cheap purses that wouldn’t even sell at the Dollar Store.

CameraWretched says that she’s tired of being the one to worry about the bills and the only one making any money between the two of them.  Slimey and Wretched arrive at the art studio where a table is cleared of wet paint brushes, used art rags and five-gallon paint buckets for Slimey to place the Taco Bell birthday lunch he brought for Wretched.

Oh, Slimey!  You bought me a box for my birthday… I know that’s all you can afford because you’re so poor… what a great poor guy you are!

Wretched is not pleased… at all… until Slimey shows Wretched a wrapped box with a big bow on it.  ‘A present… for me?,’ asks Wretched as she excitedly opens the box. Disappointed again… it’s a pair of painters pants.  Is Slimey that dumb?  The painters pants that he gives Wretched are pants that house painters wear, not studio ‘artistes’… studio artists wear smocks, Slimey you dumbass.

                                    I can paint!  Real art!  Maybe I can sell my paintings on Home Shopping Network with every WretchedChristine handbag for only $300 more… people love me, they’ll pay any amount to have a Wretched Original.

Wretched doesn’t know the difference anyway, so she changes into her painters pants and struts around thinking she looks fabulous.  This girl is really getting on my nerves.  Her laugh, the CameraWretched outfits that look like she just stepped out of a 40’s movie, her phony speech pattern and the way that she thinks she’s being so cute… it’s a struggle to watch her.

After getting some ‘how-to-paint-abstract-art-in-three-seconds’ lessons from Slimey’s art studio-owner friend, Slimey presents Wretched with her REAL present.  Wretched’s birthday present from Slimey is a portrait painted by Slimey’s friend, whose studio now smells like refried beans and taco sauce.  Wretched is so pleased… she now has a six-foot portrait of herself.  Wretched loves it.  However, the portrait not only looks unfinished, but if it were to be a realistic portrait of Wretched, her skin would have to be molty and rugged.  For someone pushing skin care and cosmetics, Wretched is an awful example for her own products.

                                This looks exactly like me!   If I were all pale-looking and wearing an ugly hat…

Vicki Gunvalson, who had a few minutes to spare from WORKING, invites Alexis over to her house to clear the air about their friendship and talk again about the mace incident… a ‘let’s rehash and talk about some old, talked-to-death topics so we can move on’ chat. Alexis very proudly tells Vicki that she, too, is a business owner and not only owns the company, but is designing dresses that are being sold through her company.

                                Vicki, I am also a business woman, ’cause my husband has life experience that he tells me about and that counts, so I’m a business woman, too… get it, Vicki?

CameraVicki says that Alexis is naive and CameraVicki is also confused, because the last she heard, Alexis was a fitness instructor.  So CameraVicki wonders how did Alexis make the jump from leading an aerobics group to being a dress designer?   CameraVicki doesn’t care anyway, but she is still confused.  Note:  As soon as Vicki put her hand on the handle of the door to her Coto Insurance office, the confusion washed off her like Alexis’ baptismal water.

Peggy and Micah Tanous are this week’s winner of the Unbelievably Moronic Totally Ignorant Stoopid Award (Couples Category).  The Tanous’ are throwing their yearly dinner party… the one where they invite a professional chef into their home to cook for their very close friends.  The Tanous’ chose Border Grill’s chef, Susan Feniger, as their dinner party’s chef du jour. Micah and Peggy go to Border Grill and are introduced to owner/chef, Susan Feniger.  Susan explains her cooking style and some great ideas that she has for their dinner party.  In an unbelievably totally ignorant moment, CameraPeggy says that she and Micah are surprised that Susan Feniger specializes in Mexican food.  WHAT!!??   If they didn’t know Border Grill or Susan Feniger, what was their basis for choosing her and her restaurant for their yearly celebrity chef dinner???  The Tanous’ unrealistic expectations of Susan Feniger and their behavior at Border Grill are beyond unbelievably moronically ignorant.

My husband thought this was the SuperBurger Grill, not Border Grill…

Did Micah, the man who makes his living as an ‘internet specialist entrepreneur’ not take a second to do a search on the internet, of which he claims to be a specialist, to find out about the type of food Border Grill serves and to check out a bio of its chef, Susan Feniger?  Is there anyone else who found this entire segment of the Real Housewives of Orange County offensive?  Susan Feniger, a participant on last year’s Top Chef Masters, when it was really Top Chef Masters, is being interviewed by these two morons who, after sampling her dishes, tell her that they don’t like anything.

                                  Can you make breaded fish?  There’s a great chef that Micah loves named ‘Mrs. T’ and she makes the best fish sticks… if you could make those that would be great!

Didn’t the Tanous’ get a hint of what the food would be like just by the name of the restaurant, Border Grill???   Which border did they think the restaurant was referencing… the Canadian border or our border with Norway???  After Micah practically spits out all the sample dishes, he suggests that Susan make a deep-fried Oreo for dessert, ’cause he had one of those in Las Vegas and it was really good.   Susan Feniger is such a happy, always smiling person/chef and she remained happy and smiling all through this humiliating encounter with the Tanous’.  Another chef with not such a happy disposition would have slapped the ignorant-ass Tanous’ as soon as they expressed surprise and disappointment when they were told it was Mexican cuisine… and slapped them all the way out the restaurant door and down the street.  Oh, Susan!  Why do you have to be such a happy chef?   Is Bravo giving you your own show???

Vicki’s daughter Briana is going to Vegas… like, who cares?  Vicki (GASP!) is taking another break from WORK and is giving her 23-year-old daughter a lecture on how to behave while in Vegas and warns her of getting roofied… oh, shut up Vicki!   Briana is a grown woman, a nurse and has a fireman boyfriend.  Briana goes to Green Valley Ranch in Las Vegas, smokes a hookah, gets wasted and goes back to her Bravo-funded suite to sleep it off.  I mean what 23-year-old can afford the suite that Briana and her friend stayed in???  This Briana side story was a total waste of time.

                                    Here… take this box of my business cards with you to Vegas… after you get the guys drunk, sell them term life insurance and just leave my card with them.  Oh, Briana, don’t forget to take my portable credit card scanner with you…

Alexis Bellino meets with Tal, the magical seamstress who actually makes the dresses that Alexis dreams up.   CameraAlexis gives the definition of couture, which she pronounces “cor-tour”:  “It’s a term put on a design of a dress if it’s… um… I guess… if it’s super rich.”   Oh, Alexis… just O-M-G!  It might be a good idea to learn the correct pronunciation of a word and its definition if you are going to sell items that have that word on the hang tag.   (Note to Alexis:  the word ‘couture’ is pronounced ‘ku-tor’ and it means a clothing piece made to order for a specific customer.)  Now that Alexis knows the meaning of the word, will she still use the word ‘couture’ on her factory made apparel?

Alexis tries on a sample dress that Tal has made and is not happy with the long, flowing sleeves of the dress because ‘it won’t sell,’ so Alexis cuts off the sleeve.  Tal is shocked, but Alexis is happy that Tal now knows that Alexis is the boss and in charge.  So, Alexis needed to take that much of a drastic step to assure herself of her superiority to Tal. Alexis needs some self-confidence lessons… not the ones that Jimbo gives her.  But, back to the hacking of the dress… that’s very Christian of you, Alexis… very Christian.

                                    Why the hell did you butcher my dress!?   Jesus told me to do it… I always ask WWJD before I slash the sleeve of a dress that took you 30 hours to make, so take it up with the Lord.

Peggy and  Tamra are modeling for a local designers fashion show.  Tamra tries on her cute Chanel-influenced two-piece suit, which fits perfectly.   Peggy tries on the dress selected for her that she’ll wear in the fashion show and her new boobs are so huge that the designer has to alter the dress.  Peggy’s boobs should have their own photo folder on, just so everyone can look at them because they’re so enormous.  The music for Jaws starts and everyone looks at the door as Jeana Keough walks into the shop… Jeana is also modeling in the fashion show.

                                    Jeana, are you wearing a size 6?  What is that a size for…  a hat, your glove size? 

Tamra is a little shaken and stirred because Jeana being in the show is news to her.   Jeana is one of the last people Tamra wants to see because Jeana is good friends with Simon, Tamra’s ex.  Jeana blames Tamra totally for the disintegration of Simon and Tamra’s marriage.  Jeana tries on her outfit for the show and the designer says that Jeana is wearing a size small 6… really???   Those designer clothes are always sized smaller than what they really are, but Jeana says that she was a size 12 before she side-stepped over to another Bravo show for Jackie Warner to shape her up.

At the fashion show,  Peggy is not only modeling in the fashion show, but hosting as well; she feels that this will get her back into the modeling business.  Tamra is having second thoughts and freakin’ out and trying to get support from anyone, including Jeana, but Jeana isn’t going there… Jeana hates Tamra.

                                    Uh, excuse me, but what are you putting on my eyes?  OMG!  I’m allergic to that… look, I can’t move my hand… that means I’m allergic.

As soon as Tamra takes the runway, she sees Eddie and any fear or inhibition is erased as Tamra strutted like Mick Jagger and owned the runway just like those tall girls!

                                    Eddie… stop gawkin’ at Micah and look at me!!!

Fernanda Rocha, who is now been reduced to a ‘part-time’ OC Housewife, owns a gym with her ex-live in.  Lynne Curtin was supposed to meet both Tamra and Fernanda at the health club, but when Tamra didn’t show, the women found themselves talking about Tamra.  Fernanda decided to reveal to Lynne a little secret about Tamra, something she called a “silly moment.”

                                    Thanks for showing up, Lynne.  Well, I wasn’t doing anything today, other than  just being evicted…

Obviously Fernanda doesn’t think a kiss between friends is that big of a deal.  Otherwise, there is no way she would have so casually brought up a kiss between her and Tamra with her ex standing right there.  According to Fernanda, Tamra followed her into a bathroom and then “a kiss happened.”  Lynne asked if this would constitute cheating on her ex, who was standing right there, but Fernanda said, “No, we had a kiss. While I was in a relationship and while Tamra was in a relationship.” Fernanda’s ex said. “I have a problem with that.”   Hmmmm… wonder what Tamra’s gonna say about all this!  And what’s Fernanda’s ex’s problem… all this was a year and a half ago, just like she said…

One more view of Wretched’s portrait: