Won’t it be great to see Andy in his house when we go to NYC? It was so nice of him to invite us to stay and… Uh, excuse me, Larsa… but we’re going to Andy’s CLUBhouse, not his own house and we aren’t staying at his house, he booked us rooms at the Hotel Carter… WHAT! Well, I’m not going to a clubhouse and staying in a crap hotel…I’m just not going. It’s in our contract, Larsa… I already checked with Roy…
I give credit where and when credit is due. so Elyse Wanshel from Miami New Times not only gets extra credit, but extended loud applause for closing her eyes, keeping them shut and focusing on the Real Housewives of Miami gathering for the first ever, LIVE!, historic event that will take place tonight when the Miami reunion show happens tonight in Andy’s clubhouse. Elyse spent days practicing self-hypnosis, startling herself back to real time with the image of all the Miamians squished in the clubhouse and concluded that the only way in which to watch tonight’s
slap-in-the-face to their viewers and more importantly, the Miami Housewives Real Housewives of Miami Reunion Show was to follow her detailed instructions…
This way to the clubhouse, ladies… and this time I’m lettin’ you all take a cab instead of the bus… but just ONE cab…
Elyse Wanshel, Miami New Times:
“Bust out the cheapest bottle of on-sale wine you can find at your neighborhood pharmacy (in honor of Elsa), because you’re going to have to get pretty plastered to make it through this mess of predictability.
This reunion’s going to pumped full of so much unsurprising drama — Lea’s charity v
Cristy Crispy, Lea + Larsa v Lea’s wardrobe, Larsa v nannies, Alexia v Hialeah, Adriana v her crotch — that you can practically invent a drinking game out of it.
Hey, great idea!
|Hole on…get me sebben more bottles of my wine… I need dem all to watch Randy tonight…|
• The cheapest, on-sale wine you can find
• A shot glass
• A Caucasian child from Hialeah with aspirations of becoming a nanny
• A live pig
• A syringe full of collagen dermal filler
• A push-up bra
• Rick Ross
• A bag full of Tinkerbell’s fairy dust
• A bouquet of paper flowers
Take A Shot of Wine Whenever….
• Alexia butchers the English language with a grammatically incorrect sentence (this alone should get you pretty tanked).
Christy Crispy misuses the term in good faith or is verbally attacked by the other girls and meekly responds with a toothy smile and nervously shifting eyes. (Take two shots if Larsa takes it upon herself to defend Christy).
• Adrianna attempts to be sexy but fails miserably.
• Larsa says the words cute (or uncute).
• Elsa (if she shows) rolls her RrRRrrRrrrRrRrrRs or pronounces her y‘s as j’s.
• Marysol looks like she’s holding in a fart but is really biting her tongue.
• Every time you hear the words gala, charity, hola, Cuban, ten thousand dollars, hooker, Venue, witch, bitch, Elsa, or Scottie Pippen.
• Adrianna complains about money or her ex husband, Mr. Deadbeat.
• One of the hairs atop of Lea’s head goes awry.
• One of Andy Cohen’s eyes goes awry.
Hold the wine bottle up to your lips and chug whenever…
• Larsa or Christy speaks.
• There’s a montage dedicated to Alexia’s questionable parenting skills and her response is “That’s how it is in Miami”.
• Whenever Andy Cohen attempts to speak Spanish.
• A caller calls in to coyly ask how Elsa stays so “youthful”.
• Adrianna claims to have a healthy relationship with her fiancé.
• They decide who actually had the best cooking class/luncheon.
Give a shot to a caucasian child from Hialeah with aspirations of becoming a nanny whenever….
• Elsa says the word “gringo”
• There’s a montage dedicated to Larsa’s nanny issues.
• They discuss Miami’s outrage over Alexia’s Hialeah comments.
Fly over a rainbow atop of a magical unicorn whenever….
• You actually find a caucasian child from Hialeah with aspirations of becoming a nanny because most likely they don’t exist. And neither do unicorns…well, unless they’re shape-shifters.
Put a pig in a pair of Spanx whenever…
• Alexia confronts Christy about Christy’s “Alexia is so much BIGGER than little ole petite me” comments from the fashion show episode.
• Christy defends the people of Hialeah not because she actually cares about the people of Hialeah, but because she dislikes Alexia.
Give the pig in Spanx a shot whenever…
• You see Alexia’s husband do something hilariously brutal to a pig’s carcass.
Stab yourself in the face with a syringe full of collagen dermal filler whenever….
• Marysol attempts to give another girl a shank-like side-eye but is unable to do so because of all the Botox.
• Marysol confronts Lea about her “I didn’t know he needed a Visa” comment.
• Marysol confronts Larsa about her “your mom is a bitch” comment.
• Elsa’s lips finally slip off her chin.
Put the drunk pig in Spanx in a push-up bra whenever…
• You catch a glimpse of Lea’s wily (and often sad-looking) cleavage.
Punch Rick Ross in the nuts whenever…
• His face pops on-screen.
Snort a line of Tinkerbell’s fairy dust whenever…
• Lea is decked out in some kind of Alice in Wonderland/Lady Gaga outfit.
• Lea mentions her charity gala.
• Lea attacks Christy.
• Lea name-drops.
• Lea displays nothing but utmost respect for people less fortunate than her (i.e. her motivational speech in episode 5).
• Lea speaks crazinese - the language of batshit nuts (i.e. anything about Madonna, dancing with men until 2 A.M.!!!!!, wearing gloves and silly hats to a farm in Homestead, how she tries on clothing, or Tinkerbell).
• Adrianna pretends to know something about art.
• Lea longingly looks over at Adrianna and begins to lactate out of pure excitement.
• Larsa or Christy speaks.
Sniff the sweet, sweet aroma of paper flowers whenever….
• Elsa tells Andy that he is really capable of love after all.
• Elsa reads someone’s energy.
• Elsa wins whatever poll they have on Watch What Happens Live!