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The Real Housewives of Miami Recap… The Floating Dinner Party

The floating dinner party that describes the entire first (and probably last) season of Real Housewives of Miami had to end sometime… and somewhere… and it did. However, it took a long time to finally get to Paradise Organic Farms where the last dinner party took place…

Paradise Farms… all organic…  go ahead, you can eat the sign..

 The unnecessarily extra-long finale episode begins when Elsa stops by Marysol’s place to see her wedding pictures… Elsa comments to Marysol, “Joo look lake rrroyalty.” Really?  What is it with Elsa, does she think she’s descendant from Cubano aristocracy? This is the second time she’s mentioned Marysol being royalty. The first was when Marysol tried on her wedding dresses and Elsa said she looks just like Princess Caroline.

Oh, Mom… you know I’ve only had seven… Look, Marysol… joo look jus like Princess Leia

Marysol asks Elsa if she wants to be a grandmother, ’cause Phillipe is pressuring Marysol to have kids (Note to Marysol:  What the hell are you thinking?  You’re 45 now; you’ll be over 60 with a teenager.  What is wrong with you?) Elsa says that she’s too old now for grandkids and it would have been nice of Marysol to have thought about this ‘grandchildren’ stuff 20 years ago…  yeah, Marysol, really… you don’t really like your mother, Elsa, at all, do you?  Otherwise, you would have had a kid 20 years ago… you just like trotting Elsa out for other’s amusement.  Who is the real witch here…Elsa or Marysol???

Alexia and  Peter are also looking at photos…of his modeling job spread in Alexia’s Venue magazine.  Camera Alexia tells the story again about how she let him play American football and he had a shoulder injury and told him that he’s not allowed to play with those mean American football players any more so she had to put him on the modeling track.  Uh, wait, that’s not right, because later, while in the modeling agency, Alexia tells Peter that he’s been interesting in modeling all his life (Peter is 17-years-old…) and that he always wanted to be a model. Confusing.  Alexia tries to convince further explains that she’s not playing favorites with him just because she’s married to Hermy, the guy who owns the magazine in which Peter was featured;  however, she does have connections to the modeling/fashion industry, but she is just trying to support her son who really had a tough time after his shoulder injury from playing American football, which led him to almost being completely paralyzed, which would have caused the tough American football players to possibly call him sissy names if he dared to return to the field after his near-fatal shoulder injury.Peter has gone through so much in his life already (uh…again, Peter is 17), but Alexia is there simply to put a guiding hand on his shattered shoulder and broken life and lead him into the fabulous, wonderous world of modeling by going with Peter to a modeling agency where he receives a two-year modeling contract on the spot.   To further extend Alexia’s screen time, she  reads Peter a letter at Peter’s high school graduation dinner, which is so long and boring and Alexia’s voice is so grating, that one by one, the party guests force themselves to go to sleep to escape Alexia’s droning narrative. This thinly veiled infomercial to showcase Peter’s ‘acting’ abilites (Alexia Peter has decided that he would like to take the next step and get into the acting biz, too…) completes the 1/2 hour filler that bloated this super-sized final episode of RHOM.

Larsa is having a party for charity and has invited friends to buy spring fashions by a local designer.  Larsa is scared that Adriana is going to spoil the shopping by bringing up Crispy Rice’s gala crashing, just like she did at her meatball-making luncheon.If you can keep your mouths shut about Crispy, you will all get signed up for the ‘meatball-a-month’ club… exclusive club, very exclusive…

Camera Crispy gives the background on Lea:  Miami is not her hometown… Lea’s from Texas and her family and circle of friends is in Texas.  In Miami, Lea is known as Roy Black’s wife… she’s with him at all the social events and that is how Lea became known in all of Crispy’s social circle here in Miami… and that’s Crispy’s story.

Miami is MY town, bitch Lea!

Crispy, honey… all of Miami knows that I’ve been the Mayor of Miami for 19 years… Oh, sorry, I forgot you don’t read…

Camera Lea says that being around Crispy is just like being anywhere… anywhere sub-par, less intelligent people gather.   The gala-crashing incident did not come from Lea’s camp and she’s forgotten about it. Lea’s there to support Larsa and buy some local designer-fake-alligator bags…As the Mayor of Miami, I understand that I will always have constituents that just can’t grasp certain concepts and Crispy is simply an example of one… I just smile when I see her, ’cause she can’t hold a conversation and thinks that I live in Texas.  ‘scuse me…  Adriana… how many of these fake bags do you want?

Larsa takes a pre-emptive strike against Adriana and brings up Crispy-gate AGAIN. 

Don’t talk about the Crispy-crashin’, Adriana… Uh, Larsa, I totally wasn’t, so thanks for bringing it up again…

Adriana says it was not personal as she has been on the gala board and had to make sure that everything was in order because she was personally in charge of gala-crashers that night.  Lea gave her the cushy job because the gala has never been crashed. Adriana was lounging in her comped room when Crispy decided to break that record by bustin’ in.  Lea told Adriana that her kid’s tuition wasn’t going to be paid if she didn’t personally deliver the invoice to Crispy.  Despite the double electric gates, the seven trained-to-kill pitbulls and the armed guard, Adriana got through to Crispy’s front door and threw the invoice into the cracked front door and hightailed it out of there… yeah, Adriana’s motivation to keep her kid friends with lil RJ Black was very high.  Lea also sent by certified mail an invoice to Adriana for the comped room in which Adriana was lounging when the security breach took place.

Camera Adriana claims that Crispy is jealous of her because when Crispy stands next to Adriana she always comments on how skinny Adriana is and Crispy hates her…  Lea and Adriana leave Larsa’s charity get-together-at-a-designer shopping blitz.

Crispy is so yell-us of me… her clothes would be way too big on me and she jus hates me… I wonder if Frederic likes me…

This invitation will make the other invitations look like trash, especially with the fleur-de-lis design and the wine list… it’s gonna win the prize, I just know it Marysol…

It’s Marysol and Philippe’s turn to host the dinner party and they consider Alexia’s table a worthy opponent… they have to outdo her and proceed to plan…Marysol, we cannot let Alexia walk away with the prize for the best tablescape.   Phillipe, what’s the prize?   Uh, you don’t know what the prize is?… What???  There’s no prize?  Damn…

Marysol, what am I doing here?  You’re a beloved spiritual fixture in Miami.  Oh, I am?  Yes!  And don’t forget, you’re very expensive, too…

Marysol also invites Elsa to the dinner party because she’s the ‘life of the party’ and ‘everyone loves her.’  (Uh…)  Marysol is convinced that Elsa is a spiritual advisor and that many people seek her for advice.

Elsa tells Larsa that she is not psychic, but picks up vibes from people.  Larsa says to Marysol that Elsa is very deep.  Elsa tells Larsa that Larsa is worried about a man, but wants to discuss Larsa’s man issues in private.  Elsa is confident that the man she should worry about is a man, not her sons.   Camera Larsa says that Elsa is crazy.

Crispy and Alexia finally arrive and the party starts… a cooking lesson is involved and everyone puts on their chef coats.  Philippe says that he’s introducing a new type of food… it’s sous vide cooking and it’s the greatest and newest gourmet way to cook! (Where have you been living, Philippe?  ‘Sous vide’ has been around for years… it’s not new at all and the only reason you think it’s gourmet is because it’s now called ‘sous vide, (which means ‘under vacuum’) instead of boil-in-bag. Very gourmand of you, Philippe…)

All the guests were complaining because they were expecting a real cooking lesson, not watching Philippe boil water and then slipping plastic bags into the pot.

The guests are seated and Adriana asks Elsa about her abilities… Elsa says that she’s very expensive… well, here we go… did these producers watch RHOBH?  The only thing missing was an electronic cigarette hangin’ on Elsa’s lip.  Elsa says that Lea doesn’t have any problems; Alexia is very mature emotionally; and says that Adriana needs a man, but since she already has one, Elsa says that she needs another one.

Larsa, joo are emotionally immature. Elsa says that Larsa is emotionally immature, to which Larsa is offended ’cause she thinks that she’s the most stable person there and Larsa feels attacked because she’s ‘younger and cuter’ than everyone there.  Larsa doesn’t believe in psychics or in what Elsa has to say and Elsa says ‘then why did you ask for a reading?’  Good question, Elsa…

Elsa then turns to Crispy… Elsa tells her that she made a huge mistake in her life and Crispy was the responsible one and she could have been happily married, but she screwed it up.  Crispy swears that she didn’t get caught with anyone else, but in the next breath she says that her ex, Glen, came into her house and hit the guy, and all the stories are lies, which everyone knows are not… nice try, Crispy.

Jes, I knew Crispy was lying, but Marysol tol me not to say anythin bad to Crispy when she holding a knife…

Marysol and Elsa are going over the dinner party the night before.  Elsa doesn’t want to talk about it and used a big English word:  redundant.  Elsa slipping in big words makes me wonder what other big words Elsa knows… anyway, Elsa compares herself to a goose with a broken neck (?)… and complained to Marysol that no one said anything interesting or funny last night.  Marysol now thinks that Larsa is an unsavory character and is not someone she wants to associate with.

Mom, Larsa is unsavory.

While giving Marysol a box tied with a ribbon, he says the word ‘foyer’… I like Philippe!  A lot!  Why?  Because finally someone who knows how to pronounce the word ‘foyer’ correctly…. ‘foi-yea’…  thank you, Philippe.

Lea sends an invitation for a white glove and hat luncheon.

At Leas’s house, Alexia and Larsa, Crispy, etc. are waiting for a car… Larsa talks with Marysol about Elsa and Marysol does not get into it with Larsa.  Larsa lets Marysol know that Elsa was totally wrong about her vibes.

Yeah, Marysol, your mother’s not a psychic and she’s not a good vibe-rator either…

They are on their way to lunch and even though it’s her party, Lea has never been there before and they continue on to Paradise Organic Farms.

OK, I don’t know where the place is exactly, but enjoy the air conditioning…  while you can. What’s so funny, Lea?

OMG!  It’s Michelle Bernstein…

OMG!  It’s Michelle Bernstein!  The chef judge who had the deciding vote to kick Antonia off of Top Chef All-Stars and I really dislike her for doing that.

The owner of Paradise Farms offers cocktails and then tells the guests that they will all harvest flowers and while doing so, the owner forces wild clitoria on them.


Here…it’s organic, try it.  Uh, no thanks…


Larsa is pissed.  Crispy is pissed.  Everyone is pissed.  It’s hot and they’re hungry.  They have to work for their lunch and it’s hot, mosquito weather and they need more than a crappy salad even if it was tossed by internationally acclaimed chef Michelle Bernstein.   Wow, Larsa called Marysol’s mother a bitch… and just like her reaction when Lea asked if Philippe was marrying Marysol to get a green card, Marysol is hurt, but hides it well…

The last floating dinner party is over… and RHOM now sinks down to the bottom of the Bravo ocean… along with those DC HWs.

Lea:  make sure Sparkle is OK…


Oh yeah, after all of her whining about Frederic, Adriana finally brings up the subject of making their relationship legal… Frederic says ‘yes, whenever you want…’

NOTE to Elaine Lancaster:  It was probably a good thing that you weren’t a part of this…

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2 comments on “The Real Housewives of Miami Recap… The Floating Dinner Party

  1. I hope they are done. It was pure drudgery sitting through all six or seven episodes. But, I continued to watch, as I enjoy the housewives…some of the housewives. I think I dislike, more than like.

  2. I am certainly glad to know I am not the only who didnt apperciate the Miami ladies. I dont know if it was so unbelievable-phony? Most of those women are out of touch of reality (not all of them just the majority). I just didnt enjoy the show and I ususally look forward to each episode of the other franchises, except DC (actually I quit watching and just started reading the re-caps).

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