Real Housewives of Orange County… Dumb, Dumber and Icky

Tamra is on her way to pick up Vicki for their ‘just us girls’ vacay to Cabo… before Vicki gets in the limo she says that this trip is a ‘courtship for our (Tamra and Vicki’s) friendship’ and that Tamra needs to ‘court’ her.  While in the limo, Vicki immediately reads emails and takes phone calls, which bugs the hell out of Tamra, so Tamra gets Vicki off the phone by calling her… oh, Tamra, you should know that you never mess with workin’ Vicki and Vicki is pissed…

Who is this?  It’s me, Tamra.  Are you calling to buy insurance or file a claim, Tamra?  No, Vicki, it’s ME, Tamra…

Dumb and dumber meet for drinks… Gretchen tells Alexis how hesitant she is to marry again.  Alexis tells Gretchen that she needs to calm down re marriage and then says that she and Blimbo could get divorced, and if they do divorce, God is forgiving and you just move forward with your life.   Wow… Alexis can twist that Bible stuff to fit her agenda nicely.  Gretchen suggests that she should not marry because she doesn’t make good choices in men, but Alexis feels that because there is no ‘lease agreement’ mentioned in the Bible, Gretchen should marry Slade.  When Alexis says crap like this, there should be a psychiatric nurse standing by to administer electric shock therapy immediately… or just some bystander with a bare electric cord to zap her a few times.

On to Vicki and Tamra surverying their penthouse suite at the resort in Cabo and the ‘woo-hoos’ start.  Vicki reminds Tamra that she has to behave because they’re in another country… well, props to Vicki that she knows Mexico is a country.  Out comes the tequila for shots, and neither Tamra nor Vicki know the proper procedure for tequila shots… they spend at least ten minutes between variations of sucking lime, shot of tequila and licking salt.  They just can’t figure it out… but they don’t give up… Vicki NEVER gives up, ’cause this is a work problem and Vicki loves to work and loves to solve problems… Vicki doesn’t care if it takes her 37 bottles of tequila, 4 boxes of salt and a bushel of limes, Vicki will WORK to get this right…

Credit: BravoCome on, Tamra, we gotta nail this combination before we hit the bar… I don’t want to look like a total idiot… think of this as a work project…

This time I’ll lick quick and then count to three before I suck the lime… damn!  It’s still not right…  keep goin’, Tamra… Tamra?  Hey, you camera people, check her pulse, ’cause I can’t move and I gotta keep workin’ on this…

Alexis stops by to see the designer who is making wearable dresses from Alexis’ sketches, which obviously her twins drew.  (Camera Tamra pops in and is skeptical about Alexis’ career choice:  ‘you don’t just wake up and decide to become a dress designer!’) Alexis is tired of shopping for clothes that she has to have tailored to her liking before she wears them… she chops off sleeves, shortens the hem, cuts the neckline… after which she donates the leftover pieces to her local thrift shop because she like to help people less fortunate than her… and if the less fortunate can even carry around maybe a tattered cuff from her castoff, that person would be grateful and it would make her happy, too.     Duh… Winning!

Jimbo… is this one better for taking the kids to that new 24-hour daycare?  Yeah, they said it’s 24-hours, so we’ll have two hours all to ourselves every day…

Peggy is asked to participate in a documentary about her experience with postparum depression, which lasted for three years with her first child, London.  So, what does she do? Peggy gets pregnant again with Capri and the postpartum depression worsens.  Peggy says that her depression has lightened because she took a brew made by Micah’s mother:  massive doses of bee pollen, syrup of elk horn and she wore a wool band that was soaked with tears of cattle collected before being led to the meatpacking plant.

I’m on fertility drugs right now… Micah’s mother says that to conquer postpartum depression you must experience it over and over…

Tamra and Vicki got the tequila shot combo as close as possible and they need to eat, so off to dinner.  Vicki wants Tamra’s undying friendship, so she wants Tamra to enter into a friendship commitment by having Tamra write how she feels about Vicki and what their friendship means to her and then read the document to Vicki the next day.   Tamra really just wants to eat dinner, drink and have fun, but she agrees to Vicki’s request and says that Vicki wants her to ‘work for it’.  Uh, yeah, Tamra… that’s what Vicki’s all about… work, work, work.  You didn’t think that your vacay with Vicki wasn’t going to have work involved, did you?

On to Gretchen meeting her father for lunch… the first two-minutes being cringe-worthy as Grethen’s father says to the waitress, ‘Oh, your name is Sam… is that with an S&M?’ and ‘do you have any drinks with pretty flowers in them, like the pretty flower on your t-shirt?’  Shivers…

The subject of Slade comes up and daddy asks Gretch if she and Slade are on the marriage path.  Gretchen explains that she wants to have kids, but does not necessarily want to marry Slade.  Daddy ‘jokingly’ says that if Slade were to ask him for Gretchen’s hand, he wouldn’t give it to him…

Daddy don’t like you, Slade… but I’ll draw up a one-year lease agreement and Daddy will just have to put up with you for a year…

Back at the resort, Vicki and Tamra are lounging poolside and Vicki reluctantly explains the state of her marriage to Donn, which basically could be a lot better.  Tamra tells Vicki that she and Eddie are having fun sex… funny sex and even more funnier sex… all the time.  Tamra just melts when she looks at her Eddie and lets Vicki know that she and Eddie had sex for five hours while listening to Lady Gaga… what Lady Gaga CD were they listening to???  Vicki is freakin’ out when Tamra brings up the subject of vaginal rejuvination.  Geez, Vicki, what’s the damn big deal…do you not read anything other than insurance riders???

Camera Peggy says that before London was born, her girlfriends asked her what Micah would be giving her as a ‘push present;’ after claiming that she didn’t know what a ‘push present’ was, she informed Micah that a suitable ‘push present’ would be a Bentley. (Peggy appearing in HWs Court:  So, Peggy… you are claiming that you have never heard, knew about or researched the term ‘push present’ before your girlfriend mentioned that particular phrase?  Well, the girlfriend to whom you referred, said that you knew quite well the meaning and the only reason you got pregnant was to get a Bentley from Micah… isn’t that true???  NO! It IS true, right Peggy?  NO, NO… oh, I don’t know… I still got postpartum depression, leave me alone.)

Peggy, Micah and their totally pretentiously named adorably-named girls, London, 3 and Capri, 1, are off to a resort in Palm Springs for a little family vacation and they are installed in the Presidential Suite… not the US Presidential Suite, their suite is for the President of Netflix… but Peggy and Micah are impressed.

Peggy and Micah take the kids to their reserved pool cabana.  Micah takes London in the pool and little Capri stays with the ‘best mother in the whole wide world,’ Peggy.  For some unknown reason, there was a framed photo near little Capri, on which she nicked her finger.  Peggy looked over at Capri, saw blood and began yelling for Micah, who was still in the pool with London.  Has Peggy never been around little kids?  Did she keep three-year-old London strapped down and hidden in her clothes closet until now?   Peggy’s reaction to seeing droplets of blood on Capri was excessively exagerrated.  Capri isn’t crying in pain or screaming her head off, which is a sure sign that your child has accidentally hurt themself…  little one-year-old Capri was happily playing with her toes and staring at clouds while Peggy is next to hysterical at the sight of blood.  Peggy insists that Micah take her to a hospital, which Micah does.  At the hospital, Micah is told that Capri’s injury is nothing to worry about and no stitches are needed.  After Micah leaves with Capri, the nurse tells her colleagues about this and wins the weekly award for the ‘most overreaction to a boo-boo’ story.

Micah… London has a life vest on… just drop her and get over here, now!  Capri has to be life-flighted to a trauma center, now!

Back to Vicki and Tamra’s amazing Mexican vacation… Vicki and Tamra are socializing in the pool and Tamra decides to roll like the ‘Cabonians’ and hops up on the swimming pool bar to experience body shots.  Vicki is mortified as tequila is trickled on Tamra’s stomach and then licked by a bikini-wearing bar patron.

It’s their last night in Cabo… Vicki and Tamra are relaxing on their balcony and Vicki asks Tamra to read the friendship vows that Vicki asked Tamra to write. Tamra says that between sunbathing and being in a drunken stupor, she didn’t have time to actually write vows, but comes up with some bulls*** and Vicki eats it up.   Awww… Vicki has totally forgiven Tamra and all is well in Tamra-Vicki-land.  Phew… one more item Vicki can cross off her work ‘to do’ list.

Vicki, you will never have tire tracks on your back from me and I love you more than I love the smell of Eddie’s wine breath…

NOTE: Peggy is beyond the point where she can call what she’s experiencing ‘postpartum depression.’  Peggy needs to see an actual medical doctor, not an aura-reading natural healer.  The average time PPD lasts is a week to a year; after a year it is suggested that PPD can evolve into clinical depression.  Peggy:  get yourself some real help.

11 comments on “Real Housewives of Orange County… Dumb, Dumber and Icky

  1. MS.SH, Good job! Did Cynthia give Vicki this idea of a friend contract. Kim Z. was probably laughing. Oh, Gretchen’s dad was creepy.


  2. LMAO too funny – good read!!! and why is it all the women are bimbo’s and all the men are sleazy or creepy, bravo needs to search for new rocks at a different canyon :-)


  3. Great recap! The Tamra/Vicki thing seems so forced now. Just wait. Tam-duh will screw her over again, probably over the subject of Eddie and how stoopid Tam has been being on camera.


  4. Does anyone else think it is very very dangerous for Peggy to have guns in her home?
    These women..every single one of them..are ridiculously ignorant, trashy and pretentious. I love it, they are so hate-able. Not one comes out unscathed by their semi-celebrity status. Each thinks they are the definitive word on everything from Post Partum Depression to Vaginal Rejuvenation.
    G-d, they’re just awful. Their awfulness is almost becoming boring. But, not quite. They are a little bit above Miami as far as interesting. But, there is not one OC housewife that has any redeeming quality. Andf I do like Lea and Marysol form Miami…as people.


      • She should not have guns and I am not buying her story either. It’s just B.S. Clue to Peggy go to a shrink or tell the truth you didn’t want children and now you have the young stud Micah so he wanted them. What a crock


        • excellent point PG. Maybe thats why she is going the BS holistic route cause she knows if she went to a real doctor.they would not only diagnose her as certifiable but possibly commit her involuntarily and once that happens… bye bye guns


  5. Yeah-the guns are a big no no!
    I’m too lazy to blog, so I’ll just post this little snip of info. here. And yeah, speaking of info-as-in infomercials, Peggy is a professional infomercial hostess! I wonder if Bravo gets a cut of the profit from the holograms? I am so NOT-buying the depression story. Notice the BS comments on the Bravo-Blogs? God help Bravo if any genuinely sick/or suicidal people take her FAKE advice. I looked-up her hubby in Melissa-Data People-Finder, and I got this result:

    Possible Employment / Business Associations:



  6. Pingback: Real Housewives of Orange County… Dumb, Dumber and Icky | STOOPID … | Daily Reality Dose

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